Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

Just leave. I wish it was that easy. I appreciate all the comments but some are making me feel really stupid and I’m not finding it too helpful right now.

Im sorry you’re finding it difficult to leave. I understand it’s not easy, but it really is the only safe advice we can give you. 💛

It will take time. You can do it, bit by bit.

In the meantime you need to stop the joint counselling and pursue your own individual counselling, stop doing childcare for him, and stop allowing him to come over so much and definitely don't allow him to intrude on your plans with your children or family.

I am sorry, it was not my intention to make you feel bad. 😔

Five years ago I left my husband after being together over 25 years. It took me very long time to accept that we had problems, and years to work up a courage to leave. At that point we had three kids and our lives were tightly woven together.

I know it is never easy to leave, but it is better to leave now, in the early stages of relationship, then later. Trust me. Best of luck to you OP.

Thank you x

Yup, little niggles almost from the start and I ignored them. I too thought it was me, but looking back, it was all him. It was a power play in motion and I should have paid more attention. I didn't realise how bad it was until I was out and had help from Women's Aid.

That's the thing with abuse, it can be very subtle, but if you are constantly questioning yourself and thinking it's you - it isn't. You don't need a 'big' reason to leave. Any abuse is reason enough to leave. The thing with abuse is that it will always escalate, so whilst you may have doubts that's it is 'not enough' reason, it most certainly will be in a couple of years.

Don't waste any more of your life with him. It's only been 18 months and you're already in therapy, that's pretty wild when you step back and look at it rationally.

He'll put a lot of pressure on you to change your mind, especially when he realises he's lost control of you. He doesn't have your best interests to heart. It is all about him and what he wants and needs from you. Hold firm.

Nobody thinks you’re stupid, we know how hard it is. We’re just concerned that you’re vulnerable to him getting his claws in deeper and deeper.

op, you have been on my mind a lot tonight.
i know you must be unbelievably lonely when your ex has the kids. And part of this man’s control will be to make you feel like you can’t live without him.
but you are only 36. You have a good job (please don’t quit this for his money) and 4 beautiful children. You are a catch. Once you get rid of him, you will make room for someone lovely who treats you right. It takes on average 7 times to leave an abuser. You’re taking the baby steps and that is amazing.
quitting a trauma bond is like quitting drugs. It’s not easy. But people quit heroin and stay clean. You can leave this guy and you will look back in 5 years and want to cuddle yourself for being in such a bad place and putting up with it for so long. 💛

If you have no ties to him like you say, your mindset of not wanting to "be alone" is the only thing stopping you.

Nobody is here to try to make you feel stupid, but you do need to open your eyes and focus on yourself.

Does your couples therapist think his behaviour is abusive or controlling? He sounds extremely clingy and a bit anxious. What are the comments made on your clothes? Are they designed to make you feel ashamed? To get you to change what you wear? I would say this is an unhealthy relationship rather than an abusive one. People can change to an extent but his baseline of anxious attachment and general anxiety probably won't change. If you are only 18 mths in I would just bail.

She said his behaviour was controlling. If I wear something different he’ll say “you don’t usually wear that to work” or stuff like that. Which isn’t horrendous I know

He booked the week off whilst your family came down to keep your mind on him worried how he would be around your family. He’s like a dog guarding his bone, You couldn’t fully relax and be yourself with them and kept a careful eye on him in case he took offence to anything they did or said. It was a deliberate ploy to keep you off kilter and put you off being with your family as you knew there would be an outburst from him at some point.
You having flashbacks, feeling sick and unable to concentrate is your body telling you to run, this is your gut feeling trying hard to keep you safe. Your mind is in conflict with your body trying to make up reasons why you should stay but he is an expert at mind games so go with your gut. Your body reacts to wolves in sheep’s clothing even if our minds try to override it.

I don’t think your stupid @xsunnysideupx the red flags are obvious to me because I don’t have any hopes or feelings invested in him. I see through his behaviour so clearly because my mind and body isn’t in direct conflict and I’m hoping my words and those that have been in your shoes can help keep you and your children safe from harm.

Please stop minimising his dreadful behaviour.

Controlling is abusive - it's not either/or

I can't believe you have only been with him for 1.5 years and are needing a therapist!
Get rid. Or be like my brother 30 yrs down the line.

You're definitely NOT stupid, OP. Neither are the millions of women who get trapped into horribly toxic relationships with men that drain them of their life force. Look at Tina Turner, Mariah Carey, Cassie Ventura, FKA twigs...

In fact, I read recently that women who are very competent and driven, objectively extremely successful in their careers, type A people - they may be MORE likely to stay trapped in relationships with toxic abusive men because they're used to solving difficult problems and think the same strategies will solve their marital problems.

But that's not how these things work: you can't change a toxic man into a non-toxic man because only HE can do that. And even if he tries to change because otherwise she will leave, the changes will only be skin deep, performative, and they will disappear the second he thinks he's got her under control again.

You're not stupid, OP. You're just stuck.

You're on the right track, though. You identified that you are trauma-bonded, and you are. Addressing THAT will set you free.

Stop the couples counselling immediately. The hard rule is NOT to go to couples counselling with an abuser because they will just weaponise what they learn in those sessions to flimflam, confuse, and trap you further. It's called therapy abuse. Major domestic-violence and ethics bodies state that when abuse is present, couples counseling is not appropriate and may be actively dangerous to the victim.

Individual counselling would help you get past the trauma bond.

OP, in that case, I would ditch this relationship and do individual therapy yourself.

If you feel ‘any relationship is better than no relationship’ then of course you will end up in bad relationships!

This couples therapy is actually showing him new ways to control you - and appearing ‘nicer’ and more reasonable is one of them. He knows now what behaviour to perform to keep you ‘his’.

Abusive men often ‘love bomb’. They have nice periods… to make her stay.

Trying to make a bad relationship, with a bad partner, somehow tolerable , is a route to misery.

18 months in, love and trust should be building, becoming each others rock, finding new and wonderful things about each other. You feeling this uncomfortable, and resorting to couples counselling to keep the relationship going should not be necessary.

Bail out now, rescue yourself, invest in therapy just for YOU.

No need to panic!

He's paying £40 a week for couples therapy. Much better deal than wrap-around care for his kids!

He's being controlling at best. Abusers don't need to leave bruises to be abusive op. When your counsellor asked if you felt safe with him you said no, s in physically safe. Every one of your posts screams that you don't feel emotionally safe - you're not free to spend time how you want, or with who you want, you have to consider him and his DC before you make your own plans. He doesn't let you make decisions about your present and your future and refuses to allow you to break up with him? That's not what a loving relationship is op.

I love the analogy of a little bit of shit - would you dring a cup of tea if it had a little bit of shit in? No? Then why would you be desperately trying to salvage a relationship that has a significant amount of shit in it?

This is not a good relationship. You know this. Walk away.

Any couple that thinks counselling or therapy is the answer to their troubles are wasting their time and money.

I don’t think they are, with a good therapist, but in this scenario, where the OP is so terrified of being single that she’ll do anything to save her newish, controlling relationship even though it’s obviously making her unhappy and frightened, she absolutely shouldn’t be in couples therapy, and the therapist in question should not have accepted a couple where coercive control is going on, or continued once s/he realised it was present.

When people say "just leave" they don't mean it's easy. Leaving can be very hard. Sometimes leaving is not even safe and women in dangeroys situations have to make complicated plans just to get out.

What they mean is that there isn't a "right" way to leave or a "wrong" way to leave. Whatever you do is OK as long as you do leave. You may have to face pain and loneliness, you may have to leave important things behind. At least at this stage you don't have children together and you are not financially entangled with him so you still have many more options.

"Just leave" means "just leave in whatever way you can". "Just leave" means "it's OK to leave even if it hurts him, he is not your responsibility". "Just leave" means "it's OK to leave even if other people blame you for leaving, it's not their life to live." "Just leave" means "you really can leave him and then find a better way to deal with loneliness than sticking with another controlling/ useless/ abusive man."

"Just leave" doesn't mean leaving is meant to be easy or painless. It just means that you can do it and that however you manage to do it will be good enough.

op

What did yoy learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. All this needs to be addressed by you in therapy on your own because 3 bad relationships to date will certainly become 4 and 5.

This manipulative abuser a mere 18 months in now has you in joint therapy (this must cease immediately)and looking after his kids as well as your own. He targeted you deliberately to abuse you. He sensed how lonely you are and honed in on that for his own ends. Abusers are not nasty all the time but what this person shows you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

What do you want to teach your 4 children about relationships and what are they learning here from you?. Do read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Excellent post, @AmaryllisNightAndDay. OP, absolutely no one thinks leaving is easy or straightforward. But your relationship is damaging and is frightening you and making you miserable, and you admit yourself that you stay only because you panic at the idea of being single. .

It’s never easy to leave but you have no ties financially to this man. That makes it a bit easier. The main problems to address in you are your trauma bond and inherent loneliness. All that keeps you with him but relationships should never be putting you in therapy sessions.

I would also think your elder children in particular are more aware than you realise about what is going on at home. They certainly see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to this man.