Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

Staying with someone becuse you feel bad is not a good reason.

If you being so uncertain is causing him anxiety, that is totally reasonale. And if he posted on here we would all tell him that if his partner (you) is making him feel anxious and unsafe then his best bet is to leave her (you). So really, him just going on and on about it and how unfair it is is not helpful either.

Unfortunately, this man may well have anxiety, but that doesn't justify his behaviour. I also think it's very worrying that his ex has supposedly just walke dout on the kids and he's not prioritising them. I have to wonder WHY she just walked out - it's very unusual for a woman to do that. IS she a "crazy ex"?

He’s just sent me an 8 minute voice note - I’ve not listened to it all. But he said basically he’s fed up of me playing the victim because I’m not one. And his behaviour wasn’t controlling

Just ignore it.
I know that's easy for me to say but you need to disengage.

So your fears were entirely correct, OP. Whatever he was doing in the period since you started couples therapy was just a temporary blip/cover up/aberration in his controlling behaviour, which, crucially, he does not acknowledge.

You know what you need to do, difficult though it may feel.

He treats you well but you want couples therapy for controlling behaviour, why can’t you read what you’re typing. Leave. He’s JUST A GUY. there’s BILLIONS OF THEM.

https://dremmakatz.substack.com/

another really good author for you op

So he thinks it is up to him to define how you feel in this relationship?

You don't need his permission to feel what you feel, and if he doesn't agree, or doesn't listen to your feelings you don't have to justify yourself.

And your brother agrees with you - so this man is clearly not the expert and only arbiter of his behaviour and how others 'ought' to feel about it.

You are not stupid, OP, please don't blame yourself. You have been brave in addressing what you know is not right. Controlling behaviour is subtle, (as well as less subtle examples) it creeps up on you, and is designed to rob you of your trust in your own feelings and decisions.

You have the strength and clarity to rescue yourself. You have a loving and supportive family.

It doesn't sound as if you live together - which is a head start!

Sending 8 min voicemails is unhinged - he's just ranting away at what is wrong with YOU in his opinion - delete.

He said he won’t accept that I’m a victim in this. He said he will not carry the label a controller. He said I had a voice in all of it and he never told me what I can and can’t do.

Oh fuck. That is exactly what I’m dealing with at the minute. Most of the list. It’s been 10 years. They don’t change.

he was never going to.
it doesn’t matter what he thinks if you leave the relationship and block him. You know your truth that’s all that matters.

Sending hugs. And hope you are ok, has it been throughout?

18 month into a new relationship, you should both be still feeling like your partner walks on water - that each other is the funniest, cleverest, kindest person you ever met, that life has never been better, that even when bad things happen, their support and comfort makes it better.

They should not be the problem, the source of your concern.

Get out asap.

He hasn't held his hands up though, he's told you he doesn't think he's controlling and said not to 'throw words like abuse around'.

Thank you so much, and hugs to you too. I’ve tried to leave quite a few times, probably once a year, and I’m begged not to and behaviour DOES change immediately afterwards. But it always creeps back every single time. Until I snap again, rinse and repeat. Currently in a honeymoon phase now telling myself I won’t tolerate it again. But I feel it in my bones that if I’m made to feel I owe this man my existence and every waking moment again, I will leave and never look back. I’m 32 so hope to still have some of my 30s left at that point.

My life changed the day that I realised that it didn’t matter what he thought. I could walk away and live my life and was happy that he thought I was making a terrible decision and had got him all wrong.
6 years down the line ( we have children) he still tries it on and I do some times fall into the trap of arguing but honestly the best thing I learned to do was not engage and remember that what I think is what I think and how I feel is how I feel and he doesn’t have to agree.

100% this
All the joint counselling does is give him further insight into how to abuse and control you with some keywords that he will use to convince you that hes not abusive
Listen to your instincts @xsunnysideupx
Get out

Great, even more reason why if he thinks all this, then he should leave you anyway.

OP, do not get bogged down in looking for closure or accountability or for him to acknowledge your feelings. It will not happen. He thinks he is the victim, you are the baddie ,and nothing you say will change that.

Rather, take this entire eexperiene as a clear sign that this relationship was not mean tto be.

Well that demonstrates nicely that he has not changed at all. He says he is not controlling, but is telling you exactly what are are and are not allowed to think. He is not going to change. He might be able to keep up the act in the short term, sometimes, to keep you on side, but that message alone tells you everything you need to know.

As someone who was previously in a controlling relationship, I do not think he will be able to change. If he were to change, it would be through individual counselling that he decided he wanted because he wants to address and overcome his insecurities.

I recognise similar behaviours from my relationship, and I would honestly advise you to leave. I can’t explain how much it wears you down over time and how anxious it will make you feel - nothing will ever be good enough and you’ll genuinely start to feel like you’re going crazy.

He might not be a bad person (my ex isn’t), but it doesn’t make the behaviour right and their insecurities are not our problems to solve.

Also, when you’re only 1.5 years into a relationship, it’s a red flag that you’re even needing couples counselling; you should barely be out of the honeymoon phase.

Where I am, joint therapy doesn't happen when there's abuse going on and if the therapist realizes that one partner is coercively controlling the other, they'll stop joint therapy and recommend individual. It's done that way because the therapy is not useful. The controlling partner is not honest and will find out things they can use to control their partner more or use against them down the road and they might harm their partner of their partner disclosed certain info. They also will not see both members of a couple for individual therapy.

Stop couples therapy. It's harmful. You've been validated that he's controlling. This is where you go to individual therapy and you might want to look at trauma informed therapy.

As you've seen, he didn't change in a mere 2 months of therapy, he just learned more of what you want and to mask better. His mask just slipped. He's so controlling he's telling you how to feel and he's gaslighting you while he does it.

Stop being his nanny. He needs childcare, not to use you so he can work a certain schedule. You have 4 kids to raise and they are watching and learning how to live their lives from you.

Hard things can be worth doing. My mom left my dad when she had no job and no support and broke the cycle of abuse she had been in and I will always give her respect for that.

You don't have to list points like that for your feelings to be valid. It also doesn't have to be labelled as 'abuse' or 'coercive control' for it to be an unhealthy relationship for you.

Just think - you're only a year and a half in, and you're already in couple's therapy. What does that tell you OP? What would you think listening to someone else telling you that?

You're not compatible OP, and that's a good enough reason to not be together. It doesn't mean it'll change if you go to therapy, fyi.If you have a bad feeling about him, if you have alarm bells ringing, listen to them. You don't have to logic your way out of that.

So he can control the narrative, so he can manage and manipulate you.

this is part of the abuse

" I also think it's very worrying that his ex has supposedly just walke dout on the kids and he's not prioritising them. I have to wonder WHY she just walked out - it's very unusual for a woman to do that. IS she a "crazy ex"?"

Yes, what's with the ex wife?

She just walked out on her kids? Sounds weird.

I was actually going to say this, but I wasn’t sure if I was thinking that it only applied to domestic violence, as I know that any reputable counsellor won’t work with couples where this is happening, but I think you’re right.

Either this counsellor is borderline unethical or the OP and the “D” P aren’t being entirely truthful about the situation. Either way, counselling won’t work. It’s like trying to fix a broken leg with a plaster.