Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

This thread grows more shocking with every update. No longer he doesn't want to lose his nanny with a fanny. What a loser this man is.

That good in between episodes of emotional abuse and him bring extremely controlling is what's called intermittent reinforcement. You grow dependent on those good bits, you want that high, and will do more and more to get that, and he uses that to exert more control.

This isn't a healthy or supportive relationship and it's past time to exit.

Thanks so much!

And you can use your time alone to build up your own interests, to strengthen yourself maybe with some individual counselling, and to gradually build up some proper local friendships. So that in time you wont have to feel lonely whether you are with or without a partner.

This has been since October last year. We were only together 7 months when the kids mum walked out on them and he was in crisis with what to do. So I stepped in and helped but in doing so have neglected myself. My kids haven’t suffered because it’s been when they’ve been with their dad.

You should absolutely not be needing couples counselling after just over a year. This relationship is NOT worth saving.

There's a lot of stuff - here's a start. I think you are right - he worked out how men abuse women and get away with it, then makes use of what he learned.

To give a very nerdy simile, he's like Saruman studying the One Ring.

cryingoutforjustice.blog/2025/02/04/ive-updated-my-post-lundy-bancroft-is-a-predator/

And that's why I link to the free PDF as available through the Archive. I don't know the truth of the allegations, but the material itself is worthwhile.

But is he having any talks with you, that make you think oh he GETS it? He sees it now? Therapy isn’t about the therapist saying something and therefore validating what you felt all along. HE is only a possibility for you if you believe he sees/gets/has had his eyes open about his behaviour.

it sounds like he’s just making efforts to behave, but he is telling you that he hears you but does not agree.

it doesn’t sound like he is showing any self awareness. What do you think?

Your only 18 months in. Red flags everywhere. End this relationship.

I feel like he has, he’s held his hands up to it all. He said it spiralled when the kids mum left them as he suddenly felt a need to control everything - diaries etc. but I did noticed signs before this. I’m just scared of wasting years of my life with the wrong person

Along with watching the podcast with Lundy Bancroft, you should also take the time to read (or listen to) his book "Why does he do that?" It's free

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/2up

You seem to feel very guilty about your resistance to his awful behaviour. You should know that guilting is a KEY weapon of controlling men. Check out Chapter 3 "The Abusive Mentality".

It shows how the controlling man routinely deflects criticism back onto the partner so she ends up apologising for things she didn’t do or apologising for her resistance to his shit behaviour. Over time, the woman's "burden of guilt" keeps growing.

Add in constant pressure, emotional blackmail, DARVO, lovebombing, and the sheer RELENTLESSNESS of it - it's psychological warfare, OP.

The controller has finally got the woman when she stops actively resisting. And it doesn't stop there. He'll keep hammering and hammering and she'll get smaller and smaller until she's just a shell.

You're still resisting - brava to you! Keep resisting, and get him out of your life.

Going back to your original question - can he change? My answer, like that of pretty much every PP here, is that there is NO CHANCE - ZERO - that he has changed or will be able to sustain his so-called changes.

And btw, he's still abusing you with his guilting, so he hasn't changed at all, OP.

Oh so he says it's all his ex-wfe's fault? Right. And you saw signs of controlling behaviour even before she left so you know he is just trying to kid himself, amd you, and the counsellor.

I’m just scared of wasting years of my life with the wrong person

A justifiable fear. He has "wrong person" written all over him.

My DH is devoted to me. Apart from his kids, there is nobody else he would rather spend time with. But you know what happens when I arrange time away from him with friends? Absolutely nothing. And you know who looks after his kids during his time? Him. The most I do without him present is watch one of them for 20 minutes or so if the others want to do something and I happen to be home and available. I drove one of them home for him once because he was really ill. In 6 years.
He will not stop being controlling for long because he doesn't even accept he is controlling.

Yes, this is how it should be. I feel like I am at the top of his list for anything, even before his kids. If I’m doing something with my kids or family he’ll swap having them (with their kids grandparents) so he can be with me and my family. I told him I wished he’d put his kids before me

Does this feel flattering to you? Or controlling?

controlling. My parents were coming over from France for the week, my brother and his wife and baby from Ireland, to stay with me at my house. He told me he’d booked the week off work to be here with us all. I told him I was so confused because he struggles with large groups of people and busy households. And to put himself in that position felt so strange to me. He also rearranged having his kids for the week and they were with grandparents

Read your OP. He absolutely does not treat you well.

After only 18 months you should cut your losses. This will absolutely not get better.

Tell you what op I will NEVER have a relationship that needs therapy to function ever again. Absolute waste of time and energy. Find someone that’s not that bloody difficult!

You don’t have any compelling reason to stay with this man, and plenty to finish with him - not least that you have your DC to think about.

The behaviours he has listed are all really alarming. They will resume as soon as the therapy concludes, they will get worse over time, and it will be harder to leave the more entangled you get.

Please, please seek individual support to recognise that your ‘addiction’ to him is a function of his coercion.

I hope you didn't let this manipulative weirdo impose himself on your family for a week?

Do you really think your kids want to spend so much time with this man you've only been with for a year and a half?

Do you think your family want to spend a week this weirdo they don't know?

He doesn't even accept that he's controlling

And he's moaning now about how your need for space is unfair on him. so he's still trying manipulate and control you.

Just end it. I bet your children will be relieved.

A year and a half? Why would you want to stay with an abuser after such a short relationship?

You should not do therapy with an abuser.

his insecurities/behaviour is the issue. He needs to have some therapy to deal with that. It’s not your issue.

You should be keeping yourself safe. And that means ending the relationship. Your body is already telling you that you don’t feel safe around him.

I wouldn't feel guilty - the second you split up he'll be onto his next victim to look after his children.

There’s your answer. He feels no remorse and is still guilt-tripping you.

You should end this.

How old are you? Honestly with this many problems 18 months in I’d bin him off and find someone more compatible. The first two years are usually the honeymoon period, if it’s already going wrong it’s not it.

A relationship should be fun, not difficult. Marriage can become difficult when you have different parenting styles, money problems, each other’s families and elderly parents that need taking care of.

You have none of these external pressures, it’s early days and you are still struggling. This is not the right relationship for you. Men don’t change and you can’t fix them.