Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

This should be the honeymoon period and you're already in counseling for severe control issues.

He can put on a front for a few months. That's how he sucked you in to begin with. Two months of couples counseling has shown him what you want and the behaviours he has to put on. It hasn't made deep changes, just superficial. Those will drop when he feels his control is threatened.

Why would you want a relationship with a man so controlling he's trying to interfere with you co-parenting with your child's father?

Why are you doing his parenting? Does he do the same with your kids?

He has watched them a couple of times. But my work means I can work around my children. His job is more difficult

You need individual therapy to work out why you are willing to put up with this.
It's absolutely shocking to read

I'm due to look after his kids whilst he works at the weekend and I can’t help but think he’s panicking about me not being around to do that.

His parenting is not your problem. So you're also being used as his nanny.

Yes I realise this x

That is how it feels sometimes..

You "feeling unsure" is the appropriate feeling. You've only been together 18 months and you're already in couples therapy? That in itself says this relationship is not right. Starting couples therapy after 18 months together is like trying to put lipstick on a pig.

There are men who would say "bloody hell, I had no idea my behaviour could feel like abuse to someone else. I need to do something about that pronto because I don't ever want to be that guy". Those men might be salvageable. But your partner's first response was that YOU need to be careful about "throwing words about". Him saying that when you genuinely felt abused is not "bigging up" your confidence. It's the opposite. It is him undermining your confidence in your own feelings and responses. He is warning you not to say or even think such things about him.

The question you need to be asking yourself is not "how do I get a therapist to fix this relationship"? It's "why am I so afraid of ending it?" and then "why did I get embroiled into trying to fix up a bad relationship like this one"?

Just dump him, OP.

You don't need a 'good reason' to end a relationship. This guy has huge numbers of red flags and is clearly controlling and self centred. You don't need to look after his kids this weekend, and having told him you needed space his reaction is to insist that you are 'not being fair' to him.

Who cares if he thinks you are 'fair' or not? Text him back to say on further thought you've decided that you no longer wish to be with him and you are done. Then block.

You don't need to apologise, justify or explain. It's enough that you've had enough of his past (and present) behaviour and pp are right - he won't change. He doesn't think he's the problem.

Damn right he's panicking about looking after his kids! I can't believe you'd do that when you work full time and have 4 of your own!

I'd message right now and say you're no longer available for childcare, his reaction will show you how he sees you.

I suppose it’s because the good is so good. In previous relationships they’ve never wanted to spend time with me. So the fact he wants to spend time with me and plan weekends away and nice days out, appeals to me. My parents live abroad, I have friends but they’re all so busy with their lives. I have my children but am alone the other week. I guess I’m really lonely sometimes

I think because he agreed to therapy, and has been paying £80 per two weeks showed me he acknowledged his behaviour. The fact is I can’t shake the past even though the present has been great

Even serial killers love their mothers

ffs woman, you’ve been with this guy 18m and you’re in therapy!

RUN! FUCKING RUN!

im a veteran of an abusive controlling relationship and it never ever ever EVER gets better.

think about it, if I was your friend and something you did upset me once and I told you, you’d never do it again, would you?

he knows he’s behaving in a way that’s harmful because he’s being told this over and over and it’s not changed

he is choosing to do this. It will only get worse cut your losses now!

That good is fake.

that good gets less and less until there’s nothing left

there will be nothing left of you either by that time.

Red flags all over everything you've said about him. I'd also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft.

It's easy to pretend for a couple of months. He's just trying to reel you back in, and the recent comments show he doesn't respect you or value your relationship.

He is obviously capable of change so why didn't he change when you first raised the issue of being unhappy? If he really wanted to change, he would admit his faults and totally take full responsibility for being controlling.

You are unfortunately damaging your children by showing them that this is what romantic relationships look like.

I'd get out ASAP and do something like The Freedom Programme to help you avoid future abusive relationships.

"I guess I’m really lonely sometimes"

The answer to loneliness isn't to put you and your child in a situation where you're being abused. The answer is to seek out healthy relationships with others.

I have messaged about the freedom programme after I heard back from an officer from a Clare’s law application. I’m waiting for their response, guessing they’re looking at locations close to me

OP, this guy is using you, he has behaved and is STILL behaving in a really controlling manipulative way, and he doesn't think any of his atrocious behaviour and attitudes are wrong.

There is NOTHING to save here.

I know you're lonely but it is obvious you're slipping down a slippery slope into a really really horrible relationship and your own rational brain is SCREAMING at you to save you.

Listen to yourself, OP.

Your OWN brain is telling you this is not right.

It's because the present is a front and you're waiting for it to fall away, and return to what it was like. You know this will happen. You're paying for a therapist to sit with you both weekly like they've got a magic wand to turn him into a different person.

What you've experienced is real. He feels entitled to whatever he's getting from you and has manipulated the status quo, and your loneliness to his benefit. I would be in touch with him this evening and say that you won't be able to look after his children this weekend, this is a perfectly reasonable thing to say in reality, regardless of how he tries to frame it otherwise.

You can end this. You can, and you will be so stunned looking back that it even happened. This isn't your fault, he is manipulating you due to beliefs that he has picked up from his family, and wider society and he feels entitled to. This is less to do with you than you think, he will find someone else to do it to before long. Let him.

Don't blame yourself, but don't questions yourself. Don't let him replace your reality with his version of it. If it was easy to leave then the thousands and millions of reasonable, clever, women with their shit together otherwise wouldn't have fallen down the same hole and become stuck.

You can do it online too before an in person program.

Thanks so much

No.

Oh I searched for my local area and it just gave me an email to book a place, still awaiting a response. But thank you

Here you go it's £14, and you can do it online while waiting for the in person sessions. Throw yourself into shaking him off OP, honestly, occupy your mind with podcasts, there's loads that are helpful around this, ready that Lundy Bancroft book, apparently he's a wrong un but if it helps you get a bit of clarity on the situation, he's welcome to his 20p royalty from downloading it.

It's a fucking epidemic OP.

I’m due to look after his kids whilst he works at the weekend and I can’t help but think he’s panicking about me not being around to do that.

18 months in and you are doing his childcare? He's left his kids with you and he is not even there?

He is being nice to you and paying for couples therapy because he thinks it will get him what he wants from you. And you stick with him because as long as he gets what he wants he is super nice to you. But that's not how life works. As soon as he didn't get what he wanted he started guilt-tripping you. So this is still about him controlling you. And if guilt-tripping you stops working then his behaviour will escalate. I'm sorry but this doesn't get better.