Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

Never ever try therapy with someone who is abusing you in any way shape or form. And he is abusing you - it doesn't have to be with his fists to count.

Walk away. There is no happy ending, he's just on his best behaviour so he can show off to your therapist.

This sounds so mean but I keep thinking if I push him away far enough then he’ll end it and I won’t feel riddled with guilt. I know that’s so cowardly. I feel so guilty because he knows I’m so torn on what to do and feel like he’s left dangling and that’s not fair on him. I just wish I had the guts, we had so many things booked and planned together which makes it even harder

I really enjoyed his book, but it turns out he is a wrong 'un.

I think it's unlikely he'll allow that - I really recommend you talk to a therapist who specialises in coercive control, or talk to either of the following. Owning your decision will give you power.

https://womanstrust.org.uk/

https://www.victims-first.org.uk/get-involved/x/coercive-control/

Not shocked - he seemed to understand abusers far too well.
whats the tea?

He won't let you go without a fight, OP. He's spent a lot of time and effort into positioning you where you feel obligated to him. And you need professional help to break free of that.

Please talk to Women's aid. You need support for you on your own.

If you're thinking like that then your relationship is already over.

There's nothing to feel guilty about. He treated you badly and you no longer feel happy in this relationship.

Don't let him move in with you, it will get worse.

My heart sunk reading your post @xsunnysideupx. Don't do this to yourself. They can't change. They can make you think they've changed. So you stay. You'll be deeper in and won't be able to extract yourself without further damage. Cut your losses now. I stayed in an abusive marriage for over 25 years. Hope dies and you die a little bit every day you stay.

Leave now. Be single and learn how to build boundaries and know your worth. Cherish yourself first, then expect that from any potential partner.

I’m going to say no. The most controlling people I know have been doing therapy for years without addressing their issues at all. They are probably deeply controlling in the therapy too as they are in all of their relationships.

In order to change there needs to be a massive internal paradigm shift. That is completely an inside journey.

Did you question all the time whether it was that bad? Because even now I’m thinking, is it? I know it must be frustrating for the reader to hear me and it must be so obvious but I don’t know. The bullet points I used? That’s just a snippet, but are they enough to leave?

I phoned him today to tell him I need space on my own. And all I got was voice notes explaining how it’s really hard for him and not fair for him with me pulling him in and out. (I feel guilty for that). He said he’s done nothing wrong in 3 months and I should look at the positives instead of all the negatives

Brace yourself to be devalued at some point, usually when you move in together/get married/have a child and all of this will go out of the window.

You feel like you're in an abusive relationship. That in itself is enough. However your couples therapist (couples therapy isn't for relationships where there is any abuse present) has suggested there is coercive control.

I feel almost addicted to him

Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? will open your eyes, should you want clarity. You can google it and download an e-version to your phone if you don't want a physical version around to be found.

He will be presenting the "good" version of himself in the therapy room, not the problematic behaviours, and you'll be bearing in mind his abusive behaviour when you consider what comes out of your mouth. Couples therapy works when both parties are open to change. He can't change unless he can accept his behaviour is abusive, so in short, no, you're driving towards the edge of a cliff while you stay in this relationship. Stop the couples therapy, start individual therapy, and get yourself clear eyed about what you're dealing with and why.

You can look at whatever you choose to. Download and read Lundy Bancroft tonight, it will make this all a hell of a lot easier to navigate, I promise you.

I’ve been listening to a podcast with Lundy Bancroft as a guest and found it really useful. Thank you

OP, no, therapy will not work. And a good therapist will not recommend this either. The way your current partner is orchestrating your life is just the beginning of how he truly feels things should run so he has a smooth life. And your relationship is so young too, and how you are now reacting, which are normal reactions, is concerning.

It will not change the relationship dynamics either, he may show some "improvement but you will find out later that is all done to reel you in firmly, then he will revert back to his demands. With you one day feeling so small, so anxious and you will have nothing left of who you were prior to meeting your partner.

I know. I spent 16 months under police protection in a woman´s shelter in Buckinghamshire. I never knew what coercive control was, and that is one of the things your partner is doing to you, I took the freedom program and educated myself on manipulation and why I was an easy target.

Do your son a favor and show him what a healthy relationship is like, as what he may be influenced by now is not the greatest. Leave this man. You are trauma bonded, not in love, and your partner is probably seeing you for the things you are providing for him.

I’ve been married 20yrs and to the world he has always played the nice guy and the pro victim. It’s never his fault and it’s always about how he feels. He says he’s deeply caring and empathetic, in reality that’s what he likes to believe and is far from it. It took 20yrs for me to realise what was going on. I should have gotten out 8yrs ago when he started blaming my perimenopause for his failures in his own life, and accused me of being a narcissist. He’s totally delusional and next week I’m filing for divorce. Been keeping a calm environment for daughter to finish her 11+ exams. Can’t wait to finally be free.

They don’t change and will maintain they’re not doing anything wrong. Get out before you completely get stuck in that web. They only get worse with age.

just seen your update on you asking for space and how he reacted.

Please know a good man, individual, would respect that request and not make you feel guilty. He lacks all accountability by making you feel unreasonable for asking this. He is manipulating you OP. He has hijacked your brain into thinking he is kind, and does things for you, then confuses you by saying stuff like this. So take if from all the posters on here who are saying the same thing, he is messing with your emotions and confusing you by being "nice then making you feel guilty for wanting to look after yourself, that is exactly it, he does not want you to figure him out. He does NOT want you to figure him out.

Sorry you’re going through this. I’m 36, and he has questioned about my hormones and whether I might even be premenopause and this is why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. He wants praise for how he’s behaved the last couple of months but I can’t shake the past hurt. It comes as flashbacks and a feeling of sickness. I work for myself and getting through the day is so tough.

Thank you, he told me he’d done what I asked and gave me 24 hours of space without calls or messages. We usually see each other on a Thursday so I phoned to say I didn’t feel any different and still need to be on my own so I can think clearly. But that’s when his tone changed and he was saying it wasn’t fair on him. I’m due to look after his kids whilst he works at the weekend and I can’t help but think he’s panicking about me not being around to do that.

You've only been together 18 months and you're already having therapy. To try to get him to acknowledge and correct behaviour that he doesn't think he's doing and doesn't believe is a problem.

He might look as though he's changing, but I suspect he's just dialling down the behaviours until you shut up about them. If he doesn't know it's a problem, how the hell can he put it right?

You're looking after his kids?!!

we both have individual therapy plus we go to couples therapy due to my controlling behaviour. It’s really hard and you both need to be really committed to the relationship. It also is slow progress.

Yes, their mum walked out on them last year and so hes had them more. But this was part of the problem, he’d schedule me looking after his children (who I care for deeply) but almost without asking. I have four children of my own to look after although it’s one week off/on with their dad. He’d get me to sit down with him and write in my diary when I’d be at his every other week to look after his children and do school runs - I went along with it at first because I didn’t want to offend him. When I told him I was getting busier with work and might not be able to do it all the time he told me he’d pay me for the money I lose working which is £150 per day. He said he didn’t need me to be there for the kids as has parents who can help but wanted me there so he could see me.

Thank you, how long have you both been in therapy for? It’s nice to hear from the other side view. Do you see it working long term?