Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

[xsunnysideupx]

I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, and we are currently doing couples therapy. I gave him this as an ultimatum for our relationship to be saved and saw it being the only way forward. We’ve been doing therapy for about 2 months now and I can honestly say that things have improved and he’s not stepped a foot wrong since.
The problem is, I’m still feeling unsure. I have flashbacks and feel sick and I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I don’t know if I can forgive but I don’t want to leave with regret in the chance it might have worked and he might have changed. Some of the behaviour I have had was;

• feeling suffocated in our relationship, he wanted to spend all his time with me.
• having issues with talking to my sons dad, he said the only issue was because he believed my sons dad had abused me.
• threatening to leave when I wanted to meet up with my ex’s friends (we had mutual friends)
• planning my time around him, adding dates in my diary on when he wanted me at his etc.
• commenting on clothes I was wearing for bed.
• giving me time allocations on when I could pet my cat as he was allergic.
• calling me in the morning if I hadn’t messaged to ask if I was ok as I’d not messaged him yet and questioning how much time I had spare to message him.
• not respecting my need for space when asked.

I realise when I write it down that it seems alarming, but I’m struggling as I haven’t witnessed any of this behaviour since seeking help. My main question is, has anyone experienced their partner changing for good. I feel almost addicted to him, which sounds crazy in itself.

My love, I’ll tell you what my therapist told me when I was fresh out of the abusive relationship and navigating a new relationship

“it doesn’t have to be abuse for you to end it.”

”if it’s not working for you, you can end it”

you won’t believe the number of sessions he repeated that until it sunk in….

quit the joint therapy, bin this bloke and go back into therapy to un do the harm he’s already done to you.

every second you’re in this is a second you’re going to have to repair. The longer you stay, the longer it’s going to take until you’re safe mentally and psychologically

freedom programme is an excellent idea, I did it in person, it helps

there is no such thing as a golden bullet to fix this. I did private therapy, I did group therapy for victims of DV, I did the freedom programme and I read loads of books.

IDGOF tbh if Lundy Bancroft is an abuser, his book IS illuminating and DOES show us the creatures we’re dealing with. He has insight

my private therapist did work with a project to help abusers. I wanted to hire him specifically because he would know what I was dealing with

I also thought that maybe my experience could give him insight to try to make a difference and educate these abusers in some way so that even one woman wouldn’t have to face abuse in her relationship.

my love, please listen, whatever it takes, however hard it is, you have to end it. The sooner the better

I know how much you’re going to kick yourself for not having done it sooner than yesterday, and it’s an awful feeling, but there is absolutely no way this relationship will give you what you need, there is no chance at all he will ever be a good man.

He is not a good person. End of.
What’s the background to the ex wife walking out? Very unusual for a mum to walk, would be interesting to get her side.

And OP, when I went back to read your posts, I found evidence that he's just performing change: it's insincere, and it's temporary -

"He wants praise for how he’s behaved the last couple of months"

If he genuinely changed because he realised he was upsetting you and wrecking the relationship, he wouldn't want praise. He'd be watching himself and be feeling glad that he's able to stop himself from upsetting you. You know, like normal people do.

You also said "because he agreed to therapy, and has been paying £80 per two weeks showed me he acknowledged his behaviour."

The going to therapy and paying for it is also extremely performative.

And in any case, the way he's behaving now - that insanely long DARVO voice note that

• overrode your boundary asking for space
• blames you
• paints him as YOUR victim
• shifts responsibility for the consequences of his shitty behaviour back onto you
• centres himself over your hurt
• and worst of all dictates how you should feel (=gaslighting)

is just a continuation of his abusive ways.

Going back to your original question: Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy?

This man has NOT changed AT ALL, OP.

oP, for heavens sake, get real and get rid

8pages of woman wisdom and you are still prevaricating

Can controlling behaviour in a relationship genuinely change through couples therapy? No.

The only valid response to any controlling behaviour in a relationship is to leave. Do not engage in the where and whys.

This chap is showing you who he is and how he conducts himself. This relationship is only 18 months old, when most people are still on their best behaviour. So this is the best it is going to get!

Controlling behaviour is entirely incompatible with a happy warm safe loving relationship. The relationship you are in is not happy warm safe loving.

What is the reason you want to remain in this relationship? Loneliness is definitely not a reason to stay with someone who means to severely harm you emotionally. You should want better than this for yourself.

Please save yourself a lot of heartache and possible danger...

I've been single for seven years now. I like it. It is certainly much better than being with a shitlord.

You need and female friends, not an abusive boyfriend.

He doesn't have to tell you not to wear something for his overt scrutiny to slowly limit what you wear.

The comment tells you that he's watching you, learning your patterns, and alert to you deviating from them. He's actively looking for signs that you are cheating or having lunch with a friend, and a nice outfit is one of those signs. He knows that women use clothes as part of making ourselves feel good and he's chipping away at your ability to use clothes that way.

FFS I'm autistic and hence really suck at subtexts, yet I can see this, so it must be visible from space to your therapist.

I don't know how "a pet" went missing from before "and female friends", but it did. CatOfHate was the love of my life who showed me how love should feel.

In what ways did he coerce you? I mean, partners can ask for unreasonable things. Demand, even (and it's up to us to say no, if it's unreasonable). But coercion is something qualitatively different. I would agree with your partner in just one respect, it is a big word to use (as is abuse) and you need to be sure before you use it, because it has consequences. I'm not defending him at all, I'm just saying he may be garden-variety-crap-partner with some insecurities as opposed to someone's who's actually abusive, dangerous and controlling in a classic sense. It could simply be the case that he's a bit anxious, and you're a bit avoidant, which creates a pursue-and-distance dynamic.
I don't know - I've never met you - I'm just saying maybe slow down with the ultimate verdict, if he has genuinely engaged with the therapy.

I second this. You are flogging a dead horse.

He’s not engaged at all with the therapy and has indeed gone on to use DARVO (deny attach reverse victim offender) against you.

Maybe you should read "Why does he do that?" as well.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It's irresponsible to tell a woman that she's imagining being coercively controlled.

That’s how I’m feeling right now. Is that I’m imagining it. My head already feels crazy. I watched “I am Nicola” today on channel 4 and it made me feel physically sick as that’s how it was for me pretty much all the way through apart from his outbursts, he never had outbursts x

@SecretsAndLies77

Such utter nonsense. Why on earth are you trying to make the op second guess her own judgement? it's exactly what her partner is doing to her. You're justifying this man's abusive behaviour towards her.

She feels controlled by him. He books weeks off work to spend time with her children and visiting family without asking her. He questions her outfits. she feels smothered by his attention. He has ignored her requests for space and continues to contact her. to name just some of his controlling and manipulative behaviours.

An actual therapist who has seen them both agrees this man is controlling.

as opposed to someone's who's actually abusive, dangerous and controlling in a classic sense

Abuse isn't just physical. You do know this right?

And what's being controlling in a 'classic sense'?

You're just an apologist for abusers.

Yet.

If you need couples therapy 18 months in it’s doomed.