Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

Have you fact checked this because (being charitable about your partner's intentions) I don't think it's correct.

No that's absolutely not correct. No court would order him to pay for a child who is not his own and who already has a father paying child support.

I think he just doesn’t want to get married and he’s using it an excuse. Throw this one away and find someone who wants to get married. Sorry x

I think unless you were wanting to have further children then you'd be mad to marry him anyway.
I dont know in what scenario he'd have responsibility officially ie what he is referring to. Especially as your ex is already sharing responsibility here

Your child have special needs has nothing to do with any kind of maintenance. Step fathers are not able to be taken to court for maintenance full stop he is using this as a reason not to marry you full stop.

I’d be chucking him back for a comment like that.

Well he sounds like a dick. Surely you’d want him to love both you and your Ds and be part of your family - for him to say at this point he never wants to be financially responsible for Ds makes me feel he sees Ds as separate to his relationship to you, and that’s not good when your Ds is only 9 and will need you for a long time yet, especially with autism. Red flags all round I think.

This is what I said. He says he has looked into it and he thinks this is correct as Ds has special needs.
I have been looking into it myself and I can't find how he has come to this conclusion.

He's saying it because he doesn't want to marry you.

Your son is very vulnerable and you need to be extremely careful who you let into his home. Six months is not taking it slow.

As it's almost impossible to get the court to actually get bio dads to do the bare minimum, it seems unlikely to me that a step father, in a divorce, would be liable for child maintenance.

It IS true that if you get married, assets etc would be split and yes, there might well be a situation where if, for example, he owns a house and you and DS move in adn then you get divorced, you would be entitled to at least 50% of the house. I could even see that th ecourt might agree that you'd be entitled to more on the basis tha tyou have to look after Ds (altough I wouldn't take my vague idea that MIGHT be possible as anything more than just a vague possibility). So from that perspective, he isn't necessarily wrong if he watns to protect assets etc.

If you do move in then, and don't get married, please do make sure that you are both adequately protected. Basic rule of thumb should be that both parties should benefit in similar ways. eg you move into his house, he has a nice asset, an dyou are helping towards some of the upkeep/costs but you are also saving vs renting in your old place which you can then use to put aside money to save for you and your ds long term

I appreciate the replies and I would be lieing if I said that none of this points haven't already crossed my mind.
I am a little annoyed that I was honest from the get go that I had a child and he chose to accept this and continue.

He’s not as keen on you as you are on him.

Myself and my Ds' father both agreed that 6 months was a good time period before meeting him. And vice versa if my ex was to start a relationship.

That's very worrying for your son.

I don’t think this will be a popular opinion on here, but I really believe that if you want to marry someone with children you need to take on their children as you own to at least a certain extent. I’ve seen many blended families fail and many succeed, and the ones that succeed are almost without exception the ones where the step parent has a bond with the step children - not necessarily to the level of literally loving them as their own, but some level of love and bond. Tbh if you can create a family unit with a young step child involved and then actively not want to support your step child in the event of family breakdown, I think you’re not quite wired up right in the head.

You deserve someone who sees you as the package that you realistically are, and wants to start a little family with you both. Your son deserves people who want to be in his life.

Sorry, I am on his side, even if he is legally wrong. If I divorced now, I would never marry anyone with a child, autistic or not.
If you want to get married, find someone else. But also, it's only been a year!

Oh also fwiw though I do think that 6 months is a bit soon for introducing children, especially for a child with additional needs.

Does he make you feel you shoold be grateful you have him ?
When I met now dh I had dc.. he said he felt very privileged to have been welcomed into our lives.
If he can't embrace your precious ds kick him to the kerb op

“I am a little annoyed that I was honest from the get go that I had a child and he chose to accept this and continue.”

Has your DP been married before? It’s certainly not unknown for people to want to be in a relationship, but not want to be married. What do you want, OP? You said your DS and DP have a good relationship - it sounds to me as though he is afraid of being landed with the responsibility of your DS. Whether or not you continue this relationship rather depends on how important it is to you to be married. It sounds as though your DP is happy with the status quo. He has not been dishonest, OP - I doubt you asked him on your first date whether or not his intentions were honourable! What I take from this is that he is happy as things are, and you are all bent out of shape because of what he has said - but in fact, he has been honest to you, OP: he is saying that he is not prepared to take on the responsibility for your DS.

How long has he been staying over at yours?

I think 6 months is a good amount of time. I did similar.
However we did wait 5 years before moving in together

Or it could be he's a bit of a cunt.

I was just thinking this because the OP says they were only introduced 6 months ago, and yet he's staying over frequently.

A bit too fast for everyone involved I think.

Like others I honestly think he's chatting nonsense, it would only be a factor if he legally adopted him and that clearly isn't going to happen, firstly because your DS has what sounds like a perfectly present father of his own.

I would be very, very careful @Coffeeandtv86 , a year isn't much and already there is a stumbling block like this, which he's basically dreamed up. Very bad vibes here.

Yes I do appreciate he was honest.

He has never been married before but was burnt by an ex who kicked him out of the home and left him with nothing.
I can understand that he wants to be careful.
I am in absolutely no rush for him moving in right away or even marrying any time soon but I am 40 now and we discuss the future as I sure a lot of people do in relationships.