Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

I think to give DP the benefit of the doubt your DP has confused the position he would be if he adopted your son ather than just step parenting.

If you did marry and subsequently divorce then the needs of your child would be still relevant consideration in terms of sorting out the clean break, your needs for housing, etc. but unless he were to adopt and your son':s father were to give up his parental rights, then DP wouldn't be liable for child maintenance for a child than isn't his legal responsibility..

Sorry op, it’s not about DS.
He don’t want to marry you and be tied down.

I think it might be about division of assets, eg you might argue for a greater share of the assets/family home as you have to house your child and he doesn’t have one, even if only he paid for the home

He’s a time waster. Don’t waste any more on him.

Well he is being up front. You need to believe him - he is showing you who he is right now.
that enables you to make decisions. If there is no talk of a future / marriage then he probably shouldn’t be moving in, or being considered a step dad as he steady made clear he doesvt want that responsibility. Many men find it hard to accept another mans child. Treat it for what it is - a relationship with you and separately to your son, that may be fir the best as it enabler a line of separation which protects your son and means he has 70 percent of his mums time. So all good.

I think I’d be more cautious of a guy who promised the moon on a stick and sold you a future he had no intention of delivering on.

having previously attempted to blend a family I honesty think This is the better arrangement. Best of luck to you all x

Actually I have heard of it, the children were classed as 'children of the family'.

But these children had no contact with their biological father and their mother received no maintenance for them.

Another but, he had, while married to their mother treated them as his children, the children used his surname and called him 'Dad'.

He came in to the life of these children when they were about 2 and 3 years old.

The second case I have heard about was someone who married a woman with a child, he then adopted the child so when he and his wife split he had to pay maintenance because it was his child.

@Coffeeandtv86

Kindly, OP, this.

A lot to think about.

Personally I think a year is too short a time to be considering marriage and his lack of enthusiasm and excuses is a red flag to me!

6 months is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to introduce a new partner to your child. Do you suggest she sneaks around seeing him for years then one day bam “this is your new step dad, we’ve been together 5 years btw”?! Well done for being sensible about it OP, lots of people are not

I don’t think this will end well though OP. It’s not true what he says about financial responsibility if you get married, but that isn’t the point. The fact he’s thinking like this shows he’s never going to want to properly commit to you because of your son. He’s always going to have one foot out the door. It’s also not fair on your son to move in with someone who doesn’t want to have any kind of parental role towards him. That might be ok if he was a bit older, but he’s only 9, he likely will see him as a parental figure. If your partner rejects this your son’s going to end up feeling rejected. I’d get out while you can, the longer you stay the harder it’s going to be to leave.

Wow I don't know what you have to come ask for our opinions. Asking "shall I continue with this relationship or not" when obviously you shouldn't! He is an asshole. At least he had told you his intentions. Now you know

He doesn’t even have to be a step dad if he doesn’t want to.

If he lives with you and has moved in that is precisely what he will have become. He will be more than a friend. More than a lodger. Romantically involved with you. Therefore connected to you and by default, your son. He will be living with him, talking to him, sharing life with him.

Your a good mum my step daughter has an autistic son he’s 16 but has never had a lasting relationship because most men can’t handle the responsibility of her son. Your partner hasn’t run for the hills so he must like you and except your child so why marry you dont need a ring and piece of paper to love someone

Stepfathers don't even have the right to pick up kids from school without proof of legal Parental Responsibility... (I think you can nominate them as an adult but some schools won't accept this).

As far as I'm aware, if he doesn't legally adopt your DS or take on Parental Responsibility then he has no obligations to your DS. It's really sad that this is what he's focusing on though. If want to be married to a man who loved me AND my son because I wouldn't ever want to have to choose between them.

It always used to be the case that a step father had legal responsibility for the children if his wife died. That was a hang over from earlier times but I’m not sure the law has been updated. Your DP is right to be cautious if this is a deal breaker for him.
Having said that, I’d be very cautious of a man that was already, at this stage in a relationship, making excuses for not marrying you.

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle.
I respect his honesty, and I don't see it as a negative, on the other hand I think he has been thinking hard about what it would mean to marry you and be a step dad to your son, and he knows what he is and is not prepared to do.
Some of that may change as time goes on and relationships grow, but I wouldn't count on it.

I know several families with older kids/young adults that will need support for their whole lives. They may never be able to live independently, and even when they do, they still need a lot of care. Eg my friend's brother was in a supported living situation (he is autistic) and it has fallen apart, and he is back living at home age 30, and they currently can't find a new living context for him, and parents are getting pretty elderly, they cannot continue to care for very many years. His care has dominated their lives. And he is pretty independent, doesn't need 24/7 supervision at all, has a job etc, but needs support.

It is a huge thing to take on, supporting a child who will/may need care well beyond 18. It is not to be taken lightly, and he may well be asked to contribute to the costs. I think it shows an awareness of these issues and that he has taken them seriously for him to say he doesn't want to be part of that.

Your ds has a mother and father who are responsible for him. You partner is happy to be a part of his life, and yours, but does not want that responsibility, and I think that is fair enough.

You might find that cold, or unattractive. That is up to you. I think it is honest, and shows some understanding of the situation.
(I have an autistic DC and 2 autistic nephews, so I get it)

There was a post about a lady whose husbands ex wife died and the teenage daughter then came to live with them so there might be a scenario of the father died then you would have the son full time etc so maybe it’s that ? Ultimately it’s not nice knowing he doesn’t fully accept your son and his love for you has this limitation , at least you know now and not when you have married

Omg why are you still together. Sounds like a right -anker.

And I don't put anyone before my child.
I may not have done things ppl (especially on here, as I know a lot post nastiness just to make themselves feel better) agree with but everyone is different.
I have not done anything that neglects my ds best interests or anything like that. I do the best I can.

That's not for you to judge, OP hasn't asked for your opinion on that particuoar issue.

Its only if he adopts.

This ^

He’s being clear. He doesn’t want to marry you, and he doesn’t care for your son. He isn’t interested in forming a relationship with him. Your boyfriend is worried he will be left holding the baby so to speak, and that is his biggest concern.

This is not a man to have in your son’s life. He will resent any funds spent on your son.

You sound like a great mum.

Your DP wouldn’t be legally responsible as your DS has a father. I guess he’s worried about something happening to both of you.

Maybe in his mind he would find it morally more difficult to not be responsible for your DS if you were married.

It’s a difficult one. Yes he has been honest, but I think I would feel quite miffed if I was you, and I would feel like he wasn’t all in.

Do you own your own home?

If you do, definitely don’t get married!!

He doesn’t want to marry you and is using this an excuse. I’d end things . You have no future.