Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

I think to give DP the benefit of the doubt your DP has confused the position he would be if he adopted your son ather than just step parenting.

If you did marry and subsequently divorce then the needs of your child would be still relevant consideration in terms of sorting out the clean break, your needs for housing, etc. but unless he were to adopt and your son':s father were to give up his parental rights, then DP wouldn't be liable for child maintenance for a child than isn't his legal responsibility..

Sorry op, it’s not about DS.
He don’t want to marry you and be tied down.

I think it might be about division of assets, eg you might argue for a greater share of the assets/family home as you have to house your child and he doesn’t have one, even if only he paid for the home

He’s a time waster. Don’t waste any more on him.

Well he is being up front. You need to believe him - he is showing you who he is right now.
that enables you to make decisions. If there is no talk of a future / marriage then he probably shouldn’t be moving in, or being considered a step dad as he steady made clear he doesvt want that responsibility. Many men find it hard to accept another mans child. Treat it for what it is - a relationship with you and separately to your son, that may be fir the best as it enabler a line of separation which protects your son and means he has 70 percent of his mums time. So all good.

I think I’d be more cautious of a guy who promised the moon on a stick and sold you a future he had no intention of delivering on.

having previously attempted to blend a family I honesty think This is the better arrangement. Best of luck to you all x

Actually I have heard of it, the children were classed as 'children of the family'.

But these children had no contact with their biological father and their mother received no maintenance for them.

Another but, he had, while married to their mother treated them as his children, the children used his surname and called him 'Dad'.

He came in to the life of these children when they were about 2 and 3 years old.

The second case I have heard about was someone who married a woman with a child, he then adopted the child so when he and his wife split he had to pay maintenance because it was his child.

@Coffeeandtv86

Kindly, OP, this.

A lot to think about.

Personally I think a year is too short a time to be considering marriage and his lack of enthusiasm and excuses is a red flag to me!

6 months is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to introduce a new partner to your child. Do you suggest she sneaks around seeing him for years then one day bam “this is your new step dad, we’ve been together 5 years btw”?! Well done for being sensible about it OP, lots of people are not

I don’t think this will end well though OP. It’s not true what he says about financial responsibility if you get married, but that isn’t the point. The fact he’s thinking like this shows he’s never going to want to properly commit to you because of your son. He’s always going to have one foot out the door. It’s also not fair on your son to move in with someone who doesn’t want to have any kind of parental role towards him. That might be ok if he was a bit older, but he’s only 9, he likely will see him as a parental figure. If your partner rejects this your son’s going to end up feeling rejected. I’d get out while you can, the longer you stay the harder it’s going to be to leave.

Wow I don't know what you have to come ask for our opinions. Asking "shall I continue with this relationship or not" when obviously you shouldn't! He is an asshole. At least he had told you his intentions. Now you know