Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

I find this so strange. If I divorced now- unlikely but you never know- and dated someone else with kids, I would say exactly that. "I don't want to be either financially or emotionally responsible for any children but my own." They can take it or leave it. I would also never live with any man ever again.
This man already made clear he never wants children. That includes OP's existing child.

I’d be very careful. If your dc has autism, then he could need much more support than a NT person - potentially up to age 35 let’s say. I wouldn’t want a resentful partner in the mix.

It’s so surprising that your relationship even got off the ground considering his stance .
Surely there’s no prospect of cohabitating or marrying anyway because he doesn’t want kids.

DP's priority is his wallet, not the precious family he's found in you and DS.

He doesn't want kids, he's entitled to prioritise his own money and why would he see the OP's family as 'precious' to him?

I agree, they should split up as they just want different things from life.

The story about your father is probably the nicest thing I have ever read on this site. Shows there really are some good men out there! Thank you for sharing this.

I'm glad to see you are not yet thinking of moving in together @Coffeeandtv86. I think, if you like him, you should just stay as you are until your son is grown up.

Full disclosure: I would never move in with someone, would never get married, and would never take on someone else's child as my own. I need space and peace. So you may take my "advice" with a pinch of salt.

unless he adopts your DS i cant see how this is true.....

So he thinks he would have to pay you child maintenance, and your dc dad would be paying it too.
Anyway, don't move in together
He doesn't want to live with your son

When somebody shows you who they are believe them.

Playing devils advocate, if you married your partner and your son’s father and you were to die your partner would be legally responsible for your son in his role as step father following your marriage.

He is being honest with his position so it is up to you whether proceed with the relationship or decide that you have reached a natural end.

He wants zero responsibility towards your child, won’t even risk it. Which I actually think is fine, he doesn’t have children and definitely doesn’t want them. You just have to decide if thats ok for you OP.

I think getting married or even just moving in with to a man you have known for such a short time is a very bad idea. If you have a son it is an even worse idea. If you have a child with autism it is a terrible idea. There are endless threads on here from women who have made that particular mistake.
Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend for what it is.
He is being honest with you. Believe him.
Keep your home, your finances, your assets and your son separate.

I wouldn't want to get married in his position, and I can't see that it's especially in the interests of the op to get married since she has a son from a previous relationship.
I'd say your expectations are incompatible.

My priority is certainly my own wallet, as I have my own kids and do not want to take on any more. If that makes me selfish, that's fine. No one else's kids are "precious" to me.

Baffling how spending your own money is bad now.

In rare circumstances it can happen. But it’s far more common in very specific circumstances - so for example if his job involved lots of travel and you gave up yours to travel with him. That kind of joint decision could see the family courts treat the child as a child of the marriage.

It could also have an impact on financial settlements in a divorce. You could be entitled to more than 50% because you have a child to house. your son having additional needs could be relevant in that circumstance.

Don’t be so nasty. Six months is a perfectly normal window.

Ask him to send you the link to his "research".

I don't think that specific concern is true, but it seems like a good sign that you should enjoy this relationship as is and not rush in the moving in together while your DS is a child.
Your boyfriend doesn't want to be a parent or even play a parental role, which is absolutely fine.
But you can't live as a family.

It must be hurtful. I think men and women should live separately. However, I can’t help thinking your bloke is keeping his opinions free. You should do the same and keep your independence.

He sounds like he's been truthful and has just said up front that he doesn't want to be morally, legally or financially liable for your DS. And I don't think he's a bad person for that. It's hard having any child with SEN, especially when they're not biologically yours.

However I would be very wary of ever living together now he has expressed that. He's kind of drawn out a boundary for him. If you're happy to continue the way that you are, then things are fine. If you want commitment, then maybe you need to rethink this before you get even more involved.

Just to add in - the way current rules are , if your DS wanted to go to university and your partner was living with you then that counts towards household income- married or not- and may affect what what loan you can get

I’m guessing this household income(not marriage ) might affect entitlement to other things as well

Get him to show you his sources.

maybe part of the issue is he is moving in with women all the time. He should get his own home.

Had you been keen to get married before he said this

He has never been married before but was burnt by an ex who kicked him out of the home and left him with nothing.

cock lodger alert! He wants to move in but not be a husband or a father? He's only interested in the sex and accomodation OP - wisen up and get rid!

Op I was coming to say exactly this. Appareciate uni may not happen or is a long time away, but we had to take this into consideration.

I became estranged from my father as a teenager and my mum found a new partner. He moved in but kept his official address as his previous one (with his mum) so that his income wasn’t considered when assessing my uni loan and grants. Because the truth was that he didn’t contribute financially towards me at all. He may have split bills with my mum but the mortgage was in her name and he shared the car she owned. So do consider future impacts.

That’s pretty gutting OP. When you’re building a future to have marriage be taken off the table indefinitely must feel rejecting and hurtful.
Children of the marriage in a divorce situation can include considering needs of step children. Not sure if that extends to maintenance but may include greater share for you as have a disabled child.
It’s a shame he didn’t discuss his worries instead of just deciding himself that you’ll never to able to commit fully.
Try not to do anything rash until you get your head and heart round it. He may change his mind one day or may not but you don’t need to do anything except process for now.