Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

Yeah, if he was keen that wouldn’t be an obstacle. He’s telling you he isn’t that keen but he wants you to push the button so he can tell himself it wasn’t him.
If you really want to carry on seeing him you need to accept he will only ever be a boyfriend and in fact he may block the route to someone who accepts you and your son as a unit.
I have some experience and knowledge of this but I was the one who didn’t want to rush in to things as also have autistic son. So they met after one year and it was another year before he stayed over (on the sofa). It was 10 years before we moved in together and we got married 4 years ago because of inheritance tax issues amongst other things.
He may just feel rushed. One year is no time. And frankly staying over at yours will not prepare him for the coalface of parenting autism.
Even my decent, kind, empathic husband was genuinely surprised at how much he didn’t see when he only stayed over.
why would he though? Frankly unless you have lived with autism it’s hard to fully get how pervasive it is.

Luckily I knew he was a goodun which is why I proposed to him in the end.

Take a step back. Treat him
as a boyfriend with no future and see how you feel about it before you make any more judgements about the situation. Good luck.

A court, when finalising the financial order after a divorce absolutely can make an order for the step dad to pay maintenance for the step child, adopted or not. This is not via the government CMS scheme which could not ask him to pay. So he is correct. So why not enjoy his company as you now do and don’t look for more. Don’t have him move in.

On one hand, I wonder why you would want to marry if you’re not having children. Unless you’re very religious, there doesn’t seem much point.

On the other hand, I wonder why he would get into a relationship with someone who has a young child if he isn’t prepared to be a parent. You come as a package.

That’s a bit of a red flag by itself really. Unless it was a home he owned half of or was on the rental contract for then he was just staying there as a guest as that is all co habitation really is unless there is some shared paperwork. The fact that he thinks she owed him anything shows just how loose his grasp of the law really is.

His partiality right, but its very situational. Courts can make a step parent pay financial support for a partner’s vulnerable child after separation. It is rare but there are UK cases where this has happened. UK law allows this when the step parent has clearly acted as a parent and the child has become dependent on them. It’s even more likely where the child has disabilities, autism, ADHD or special needs. However, the criteria for such decisions is very high. This is likely where a step father lived with the child, made decisions, provided care and presented himself as a parent. The courts may treat the child as a “child of the family” and order ongoing financial provision. It’s not automatic, but it does happen and strong evidence is required. The aim is to protect the child from harm where support is discontinued.

Has he a disdainful attitude about your son I'd be reticent in involving this man into your child's life,

How has he been disdainful?

I didn't say he was I asked is he.

Sorry, misread.

OP I do not know you nor do I know your partner, but from what you shared with us it seems that you two are having a great time together, and that is perfect. However, it seems that long term, you may want different things. While this does not have to be a reason to break a relationship, it is definitely something to think about. Him not wanting to marry or take responsibility for your child, in my eyes, does not make him a bad person. Like a lot of posters pointed out, he is being honest with you, early on and that is a good thing. He is giving you a chance to decide weather or not you want to invest yourself in this relationship.

I am sure you will do the right thing.

What is a child living at home - an u18 or someone aged 22 who has come back from uni? What if the household budget is used to support them as well?

Ignore those idiots (probably jealous) who criticise. They are totally missing the point - there is a huge difference between not wanting kids and being in a blended family. And like anyone sensible he is taking precautions so he doesnt get screwed if things change.

I am sure if I asked on here (as a man) about me moving in with GF and marriage, and she has kids and I could be entitled to what she has (if we split/die) and her and her kids end up worse off - I would be called a cocklodger and worse.

When you get together at this stage in life, you need to protect what you have. How would these people feel if their mum/dad remarried and ended up having to contribute to the other persons family and now being financially worse off?

you sound like you are a great parent, he sounds sensible, dont let these people posting nasty things cloud you.