Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

250 replies

Coffeeandtv86 · Today 11:40

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Polipocket60 · Today 13:09

You haven't known him long enough or been dating long enough to marry him.

Your child comes 1st. How old is he?

MsPrufrockk · Today 13:10

Coffeeandtv86 · Today 12:40

Can I just say that just because marriage has been talked about, I have no plans to do it anytime soon.
It just came up in conversation. We are not even planning to move in together yet.

Now you see him for who he really is and you can end the relationship. A year is nothing, really, in the grand scheme of things.

Hopefully your son isn't too attached to him, that's the reason I don't introduce my son to anyone I'm dating in at least the first year.

sittingonabeach · Today 13:11

Financially if you got married and then split would you be worse off. If you are not planning to have more DC do you need to get married. Maybe he is thinking that if you married and then split the financial split might be skewed more to you as your DC has special needs

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · Today 13:12

Comeondoreen · Today 11:52

I don’t think this will be a popular opinion on here, but I really believe that if you want to marry someone with children you need to take on their children as you own to at least a certain extent. I’ve seen many blended families fail and many succeed, and the ones that succeed are almost without exception the ones where the step parent has a bond with the step children - not necessarily to the level of literally loving them as their own, but some level of love and bond. Tbh if you can create a family unit with a young step child involved and then actively not want to support your step child in the event of family breakdown, I think you’re not quite wired up right in the head.

You deserve someone who sees you as the package that you realistically are, and wants to start a little family with you both. Your son deserves people who want to be in his life.

This.
He doesn't love your Son to think so coldly like this.
He may be even more calculating than this - if he outlives you, you have a Son that you will of course make sure inherits from you.

Keep your son as Next of Kin and don't marry.

SirenScream · Today 13:12

This man is letting you know in plain terms that he doesn't want to take any responsibility for your son. It's perfectly fine for him to feel like that but I think you would be foolish to cohabit with him.

Original poster
Coffeeandtv86 · Today 13:13

hafig · Today 12:26

Hey OP, ignore the comments about your personal time line, what works for you is your business.

I just came on to ask, is marriage a deal breaker for you?

Thank you.

No. Not an absolute deal breaker. I would have liked to, but as I said to DP. Its not be all and end all.
I am happy with the way things are right now. We both have our own places and independence.

OP posts:
OsfameronTanamoril · Today 13:14

Coffeeandtv86 · Today 13:13

Thank you.

No. Not an absolute deal breaker. I would have liked to, but as I said to DP. Its not be all and end all.
I am happy with the way things are right now. We both have our own places and independence.

Show quote history

You are best carrying on as you are. Don't let him move in.

Sally3490 · Today 13:15

I wonder if he means adult social care which as far as I know is means tested ? Eg if your son is living with you when he's over 18, I believe adult social care means test to determine how much support they would pay for. Is it possible this would include the whole house income ?

76evie · Today 13:17

sparrownetsuke · Today 11:43

No that's absolutely not correct. No court would order him to pay for a child who is not his own and who already has a father paying child support.

I can only speak for the UK but no court would order him to pay for a child that was not his, regardless of whether the child had a father paying. The only exception would be if he legally adopted the child.

liveforsummer · Today 13:17

Coffeeandtv86 · Today 12:40

Can I just say that just because marriage has been talked about, I have no plans to do it anytime soon.
It just came up in conversation. We are not even planning to move in together yet.

That makes his concern even more baffling. He’ll be 16 in just over 6 years so if it’s the distant future you’re discussing, Ds will be an adult. Not to mention it’s nonsense anyway. CMS can’t even get many biological dads to pay for their dc, they’ve not go the time and resources to start with step parents as well not that it’s even a thing anyway

Flintgranet · Today 13:20

OP, sorry if I missed this, do you own your home?

TonyDancer · Today 13:23

Any man who referred to my son in that way would be blocked and deleted. I couldn’t move forward with the relationship knowing he felt like that. Kids come first not some fairytale romance that clearly doesn’t exist.

Jerrybalanitis · Today 13:26

At least he is honest. I wouldnt take on a child with Autism either. Sorry but it would be a deal breaker for me.

grinandslothit · Today 13:27

What are his finances like? Do you either of you own your own home?

I don't think he was particularly honest as he would have said he wasn't interested in marriage from the start

AshaK · Today 13:28

Is your child likely to need support for the rest of his life?

TeeBee · Today 13:28

sesquipedalian · Today 11:54

“I am a little annoyed that I was honest from the get go that I had a child and he chose to accept this and continue.”

Has your DP been married before? It’s certainly not unknown for people to want to be in a relationship, but not want to be married. What do you want, OP? You said your DS and DP have a good relationship - it sounds to me as though he is afraid of being landed with the responsibility of your DS. Whether or not you continue this relationship rather depends on how important it is to you to be married. It sounds as though your DP is happy with the status quo. He has not been dishonest, OP - I doubt you asked him on your first date whether or not his intentions were honourable! What I take from this is that he is happy as things are, and you are all bent out of shape because of what he has said - but in fact, he has been honest to you, OP: he is saying that he is not prepared to take on the responsibility for your DS.

Edited

Totally agree with this. Just two people who want two different things.

Kulwinder54 · Today 13:33

How can you expect someone to commit to/love a child that is not theirs after only 1 year?? You are living in fantasy land. Bringing up marriage is too much too soon, and naturally he is going for a very cautious approach. Maybe if you had been dating for 5-10 years and then brought up the subject he could be more positive towards marriage.

Your priority really should be your son, and keep this guy at arms length as a live-out boyfriend for the next few years.

AshaK · Today 13:34

76evie · Today 13:17

I can only speak for the UK but no court would order him to pay for a child that was not his, regardless of whether the child had a father paying. The only exception would be if he legally adopted the child.

Show quote history

No court would order him to pay maintenance, BUT if the split, it may order a higher percentage of assets go to the person who has higher housing needs and/or can’t work as much due to caring responsibilities.

I didn’t marry my ex partly because he had three kids from his first marriage, and I had more assets.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · Today 13:36

Cms can not go after a step parent for maintenance but a court can order it for a 'child of the family'. It's unlikely in this situation but it is a possibility in some.

Partner says he would not marry me because of my son
LondonLass2026 · Today 13:37

daisyydaisyy · Today 11:43

I think he just doesn’t want to get married and he’s using it an excuse. Throw this one away and find someone who wants to get married. Sorry x

These are my exact thoughts too.

I think everyone knows that your partner wouldn't be legally responsible, op. Your boy has a father of his own.

I'm not sure how much longer I'd be able to continue with someone who spoke to me like that.

Your poor son.

Dependsoncontext · Today 13:43

Comeondoreen · Today 11:52

I don’t think this will be a popular opinion on here, but I really believe that if you want to marry someone with children you need to take on their children as you own to at least a certain extent. I’ve seen many blended families fail and many succeed, and the ones that succeed are almost without exception the ones where the step parent has a bond with the step children - not necessarily to the level of literally loving them as their own, but some level of love and bond. Tbh if you can create a family unit with a young step child involved and then actively not want to support your step child in the event of family breakdown, I think you’re not quite wired up right in the head.

You deserve someone who sees you as the package that you realistically are, and wants to start a little family with you both. Your son deserves people who want to be in his life.

I think that too.

PinkyFlamingo · Today 13:44

Coffeeandtv86 · Today 11:45

This is what I said. He says he has looked into it and he thinks this is correct as Ds has special needs.
I have been looking into it myself and I can't find how he has come to this conclusion.

Because he's making it up that's why.

Contain4 · Today 13:44

I do have DC but I still wouldn’t marry a partner especially with young DCs or DCs with additional needs that require extra care.

I want to protect myself financially and I dont want to be responsible for a child that I didn’t ask for.

I do think this relationship has been rushed, especially when you have a child, however I do think him being this honest is a massive green flag and I would think more highly of him for this (many men would just pretend to want to do it one day but never actually happen).

Happyjoe · Today 13:45

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · Today 11:46

He's saying it because he doesn't want to marry you.

Your son is very vulnerable and you need to be extremely careful who you let into his home. Six months is not taking it slow.

Show quote history

My neighbour, after 3 weeks has now her boyfriend and 4 year old staying over. 6 months seems almost sensible!

Purplecatshopaholic · Today 13:47

This is an excuse op. He doesn’t want to marry you. Whether that matters to you is the thing, it sounds like it does, in which case a conversation would be a good idea.