Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

The only thing I can think of that might impact him in a divorce would be that a court might favour your right to remain in a shared property during a separation period while that property was on the market for sale, due to a resident dependent having a disability? Beyond that there would be under no legal or financial obligation that he would acquire upon your marriage and no rights (eg of inheritance etc) that your DS would gain through your legal union. YOU gain more rights (pension entitlement, rights upon his death to his share of the marital home unless he has a will leaving it elsewhere, possible entitlement to half the home regardless of whether you are on the title deeds or have what share you have contributed to it via deposits or mortgage payments).

I think this is just an excuse not to get married? As it stands, if you absolutely do not want to have children together, there really is no reason to get married? You can jointly own a home/share a mortgage; you can name each other as recipients of a pension and other assets in a will.

That aside, as the parent of two children who are AuDHD, I’d be walking away from him given his attitude towards your child.

DP sounds a right knob. Kids first, and he's looking for an excuse not to marry. I would be concerned , in your shoes, we would get married then he would find more and more reasons to pack my son off to his father esp as he gets older.
I have autistic sons and it was challenging when I married someone who changed his attitude towards them after marriage. I divorced him as soon as I was legally able to.

He did say he doesn't want children so can't be too much of a surprise..

Sorry, as you must know by now, no he isn't legally responsible financially. Either talk to him about that and see what he says or accept you're not going to get married in the future (I presume you weren't planning on getting married already) or what level of relationship you want. People live quite happily for years without a wedding ring, just make sure your assets are sorted out.

What a poor excuse. Frankly, OP, you know the answer - he is looking for a better option, whilst pretending to be your 'partner'. It happens a lot. Those men 'don't want to have children', 'don't want to ever get married' and use women, whilst all the time being on the look out for 'the one'. And when they find 'the one', they are married with kids within a short period of time. I mean, how many films like that have there been? And stupid audiences go 'awww, so romantic.' Aye, shagging one woman until meeting 'the one' - so bloody romantic. Not. Drop this one - he is one of them, I am sure.

He doesn't want kids, as you said. He's thought about the future with you, and doesn't like the idea of a step child and the responsibility, even if it's only a distant responsibility and not the same as being an actual dad. He would never have to pay maintenance for a child that wasn't his but he could lose assets to you in a divorce? He needs to date women who also don't have, or want, kids really.

He doesn't love your Son to think so coldly like this.

Why in God's name would he love a child he's only known 6 months, and only ever sees when he's seeing the child's mother?

It'd be bloody creepy if he did declare he loves him.

None of what he is saying is true.
Ridiculous.
He sounds like an idiot.

I think his saying he lost everything to a previous partner is concerning too..why would that be true?

My love, @Coffeeandtv86

He’s not a DP, he’s a boyfriend. You’ve known him a year, he’s totally unknown to you in real terms as anyone is capable of pretending to be whoever they want you to believe they are for a good couple of years.

in a lot older than you, I did online dating for a good 5 years on and off and the ONE thing I learned was that it’s not even a relationship until at least a year. Before then you (or he) can walk away for whatever reason.

hes creating a situation where either you feel inferior because he won’t marry you, or your DS is one that is impeding your future. He’s coming between your DS and you.

youve reached the point where it’s now time to evaluate if there’s a future with this man.

there isn’t.

so end it amicably now, and move on.

he’s not your Mr Right. He’s not The One. In fact he’s blocking The One from finding you, so clear out the barrier to your future now.

don’t ever give up hope or faith in yourself, this is a learning experience, you’ve learned things along the way, now that lesson has ended and the new lesson is about to start. You won’t learn or gain anything more from this bloke.

dont ever future fake yourself again. Boyfriend, not DP. If a bloke you’re seeing wants that title, he’d better fucking earn it.

oh and please… a favour? It’s NEVER Myself and DP, it’s DP and I, or Me and my kids etc etc.

throw this one back, you’ll all be happier for it.

Run for the hills. This is not a nice man. Saying he won’t ever marry you because of your son is very hurtful. 💐

OP this is a ridiculous conversation to be having so soon in a relationship. Of course he doesn’t love your son and want to be a stepdad. He’s only known him 6 months! Any man who says they love their girlfriend's kids after 6 months is lying. And this thread proves why a man might choose to lie in this situation, because of the grief he’d get otherwise!

It’s perfectly possible that in a few years he will love your son, and will welcome the chance to be his stepdad.

The 2 of you have made the mistake of discussing something that shouldn’t have been raised for at least a couple more years.

You don't have a partner. You have a boyfriend who seems fine with moving in as long as he doesn't have to contribute financially. Not really fair on your son to inflict someone upon him who sees him as a burden. Men who don't want children have no business dating single mums.

You do need to ask him where hes got his information from on the maintenance issue. He seems to be looking on the negative side. Discuss with him thoroughly and calmly before chucking him.

Sounds to me like someone has been whispering in his ear information that is not correct.

Again, I’ve got more experience in this, you don’t ever know anyone as a potential partner until you’re in a relationship with them

knowing OF them is totally irrelevant.

this guys in the relationship with you for convenience/regular sex/ego boost.

hes not even mentally ready for a relationship either

horrible man. Why on earth would you want to marry someone who didn't want you because of your child?

A stepparent is not legally tied to or responsible for the child because of marriage SEN or not. Only way that happens is adoption or a court order stating stepparent has parental responsibility.

A deceased parent who hasn't made any provision in their will for a child/adult child with additional needs can have their will challenged to make provision in very limited circumstances. I wonder if this is something your boyfriend has got his tits in a twist about? It's totally irrelevant to his situation anyway and it just sounds like a poor excuse which is without basis.

How would getting married to this man benefit you? How would it benefit your ds?

Marriage is a legal contract, and the terms and conditions would likely not benefit either you or ds, over you and your boyfriend just carrying on as you are.

He's realised that you are never likely to be able to be independent of your son as in he will likely need your support in some way forever. And if he marries you he is tied to that. Its a no from me

Marriage is very important to the lower earner which historically has been women due to child rearing. If a couple want children together they should marry if they don’t I do not always see a reason unless it’s to do with inheritance tax.

I think he is being brutally honest, I would never have even casually dated anyone with children.

Do either of you have a very good pension?

I am always head over heart though.

Understand you shouldn't base decisions on AI but a quick check suggests that step parents can be held financially responsbile for step child under some (but not all) circumstances.

He probably realised that having a child with autism adds some extra responsibility, it’s a bit different to having a NT child. Marriage will put more expectation on him to be a family unit with you and DS whereas he doesn’t want this. He wants to be more casual and carefree. Nothing wrong with that either but he knew you got DS and should have understood that your child wouldn’t disappear.
I would think carefully about the relationship.

He could he refering to this:

Oh the crazy mean ex as an excuse to only do what he wants to do.

You are walking into a situation that is all about him, his comforts.

Staying over twice a week, being fed, home comforts.
Prepared to move in but nothing more?

Typical selfish arse thinks he has a desperate single parent to take advantage of.

Rethink this. There is nothing in this relationship or arrangement for you or your son.