Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

i think he's thinking of America. From what i know in some US states. in this scenario the step dad would be liable for costs but the law is different in the UK.

I would consider - is marriage important to you? Also, his thought process seems a blunt but at the same time he's only known your son for say 6 months? i would say it's not enough time to build a proper bond where you'd be happy to be financially responsible for a child. As horrid as it is for what he's said, I see his side. Maybe with time his view point would change. Although legally he'd never be put down for child maintenance.

He wouldn't have to pay maintenance for your child.

Surely marriage is not on the cards anyway if he doesn't want to be a stepfather.

Nope, it happens in the UK - google “child of the family”.

I'd be very upset about this and would feel like ending the relationship.

from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children.

And you pursued a relationship with him anyway, when you have a child. Your relationship never had a chance of being what you're wanting. He doesn't want any kids.

He could be correct that a divorce would cost him more.

Before you move him in, you had better think very hard about the legislation that is being proposed about live in partners and their rights to assets after living together for what, 3 years.

I think in this relationship if you continue with it you have to accept he doesn't want marriage. Saying he might be responsible for your DS when he already has a Mum and a Dad is an excuse. When DH proposed to me I already had an 8 year old, and a 16 and 18 year old. He had no DC. I told him if he married me he'd become a stepdad to my DC and to be sure he understood we came as a package deal. My DD was at uni but the 2 boys lived with me and I wanted to be sure he knew what he was getting into. We married and he's been a brilliant Stepdad. He actually said he was gaining a family with no need to go through the nappy stage and sleepless nights.

I believe he would need to formally adopt DS when he married you in order to have to pay.

Hey OP, ignore the comments about your personal time line, what works for you is your business.

I just came on to ask, is marriage a deal breaker for you?

If you are in it for the long haul, can you wait until your DS is an adult before you marry?

His reasoning is completely bizarre, did you ask him where he got that information from?

If marriage is important to you and he doesn't want it then he probably isn't the right partner for you.

He’s either misinformed or lying to you. Impossible for us to know which. But maybe he’s trying clumsily (or cruelly) to put the breaks on the speed you’re trying to push this relationship at. Six months isn’t that long to wait to introduce a child without additional needs. It’s very quick to introduce a child with autism. You’ve been together around a year and you’re already wanting to move in and get married.

And you’ve told your partner “he doesn’t even have to be a step dad if he doesn’t want to”- what does that mean? If you live together and are married, he will be step dad and have to have some kind of relationship with your son. What are you saying he can opt out of?

It sounds like you’re trying to move inappropriately quickly and are willing to sacrifice your child’s emotional needs to keep this man.

He would cease to be my partner approx 5mins after that comment.

@outerspacepotato makes and excellent point actually.

Why would you want a man who doesn't want kids, to be your kid's step-father?

If that really is the reason go to a solicitor and get it in writing that he will never be responsible for your son. Get the true legal position and if necessary get some sort of legal agreement drawn up. If that doesn't convince him or he won't do it you have your answer.

I think it’s really sad for you, but I actually think it’s better he’s honest and has been honest from the start. Having a child changes things and even more so a child with ASD. Do you think your child’s ability to live independently in future will be impacted by his ASD?
I have 2 children with autism and I think they will be ok independent wise but will likely always need more support from and be prone to mental health issues.
i love them but honestly would not have chosen this and wouldn’t blame someone else without that blood link for not wanting to take it on.

If he's rich, and supports you and your child, and then you divorce, my understanding is that he wouldn't need to pay maintenance, but the fact he'd been financially supporting his step son, could be a factor in what payout you receive (if you'd been a blended family unit and got used to a certain lifestyle and been together for many years). I think he's being very cautious, and why not be.. I certainly am.

Can I just say that just because marriage has been talked about, I have no plans to do it anytime soon.
It just came up in conversation. We are not even planning to move in together yet.

The responsibility for your son line is a red herring.

He does not want to marry you. This is his boundary.

You have 4 options:

1. Dump him because marriage is that important to you.
2. Let him move in and accept that you will always be partners, not spouses.
3. Convince yourself that he will change his mind, let him move in, and be constantly disappointed that you’re not moving the needle on the marriage topic.
4. Carry on forever in separate households.

Hes saying he doesnt want to be financially responsible for your son and hes right hes not his child, why do you want to get married unless you are looking for a man to keep you and pay for you, he said he didnt want children yet you continued

Why not just carry on as you are?
He clearly does not want to live with you or do any more for your DS than he is doing. That does not make him a cunt, whatever other posters have said.

OP, stop focusing on the child maintenance.

What matters is your DP (and I use the term very loosely) saying out loud that he doesn't want to be responsible for your DS. DS will always be the most precious treasure in your life. Therefore, how can you allow this man into your and your DS's life? Imagine having to explain this f*cked up thinking to your DS (if he were able to understand), that 'DP wouldn't marry into our family because he doesn't want to pay for you.' DP's priority is his wallet, not the precious family he's found in you and DS. Bin him off yesterday.

Agreed, it just makes him honest.

If OP researches and proves he wouldn't have to pay (if that's indeed the case), then she can ask him again.

And if he still says no then that's that.

If you married your partner and then divorced him, or if you died before him, then the new husband might be entitled to some of your money/assets/pension/house, potentially to the detriment of your son. I would be very wary.

Say he moves in with you when your son is 10. Your ex dies sometime in the next few years. Your son lives with you and your partner, then when your son is 13. You die.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who would just dump your son because he doesn't want the responsibility?

Or conversely, will he expect you to dump your son and prioritise him as soon as your son turns 18 because it's 'his time' now?

Who are you going to choose? Do you think it's ok to be put in a position where he even poses the question?

Or is this merely a selfish man who just wants to get his end away and doesn't want responsibility and commitment? Do you want to waste your time on that in the hope he might change his mind in the future?

Cut your losses. You don't share the same hopes and dreams for the future. You don't share the same priorities. You don't value the same things. He sees your son as a nuisance who gets in the way. He doesn't see your son as an essential part of your life.

Bin him.