Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

There's clearly a mismatch in expectations.You want to marry and live with him, and have him love your son like his own. He doesn't want to do these things. I don't think he's a cunt for that.

I don't ever want to marry again or live with anyone else, certainly not with their kids.

Since May of this year he did one night a week but it can be up to twice a week sometimes.

I think its great he gets on with your son so well. I also like the fact hes honest and direct.

If you want to get married tho, you need to clarify the facts and then see what he says from there.

Once married the child can be considered a child of the family and could be liable for maintenance but it's unlikely. Particularly because he has an active father already.

Well, clearly he does not want to do more than that.

So you introduced your son to him when you'd known him 6 months. And he started sleeping over at yours when? There and then?

I think that's absolutely fine, responsible, and it is not the issue at hand so don't worry about it x

If you marry then later divorce your ds might be treated as a 'child of the family' and in that sense become relevant in seperating your finances / assets as your partner says. All those rushing to poo poo his concern are incorrect.
Doesn't mean all the other comments about him are incorrect!

I think a year is nothing.

And honestly talking about marriage at this point when you have a 9 year old kid (SN or not) is bonkers.

In the UK? I assumed UK but didn't check.

If you feel marriage is that important, then in due course, you should figure out how to do that an dput legal things in place to ensure that he is protected int he case of a divorce.

However, what rings alarm bells for me is the fact that he claims he was left with nothing when his ex kicked him out and he was left with nothing? How did that work? It's very rare unless he was living in her house, rent free. In which case, no , he wasn't kicked ou twith nothing. he was kicked out and expected to actually pay his way going forward.

If you were to move in together, hav eyou discussed what that would look like financially? Because if he thinks that he can just move into your house because you're already paying plus it's "fair" you keep paying because there are 2 of you and 1 of him.... then he's not a keeper anyway.

I have known him longer than that, we were friends previous to us starting a relationship.

He doesn't have to be a bad man or a bastard, he's just not all in. That's all. This isn't it for him, so you need to think about what you want and what's best for your child. It's not fair to him really to mess him about with insecure attachments.

I will say that my father married my mother with two small children in tow and loved them as his own along with the three more that came along. She was clear they came as a package and he was all in from the start. He loves us all as his children and now grandchildren with no distinction (financial or otherwise) between us and I am grateful to him for setting this example and creating such a secure bond between me and my siblings. Our mother died a long time ago but our family is still together.

It's absolutely possible for this to work. But everyone has to properly want it to work and it doesn't sound like he does.

Thank you. I know people have different ways of doing this, but this is the decision myself and my Ds' father came to.

So 4 months and you're talking about him becoming your son's step-father???

He doesn't want to marry you, OP. So sorry this is happening.

Yes but your son .... how long after HE was introduced to this bloke did he have him sleeping in his house at night?

Not really. My Ds is happy and looked after and not in any danger whatsoever.
I have know my DP longer than what we have been in a relationship for.

I agree - two things stand out to me

1 - you marry, then divorce in 5 years, would he get out what he as put in as your needs will be greater (with a child) so he could lose out then
2 - general costs - how will it work for things like food bills, clothes etc.. for your son. Is he expected to pay towards that? So would the food bill be 50/50 or would you pay a bit more.

I totally get the first point - if it was the other way round most on here would be advising to protect themselves. Second point is less clear - in principle why should I pay towards someone else's child. If I asked my GF to move in and I had a kid, I would not expect them to pay towards them

He wasn't sleeping straight away from meeting my Ds. He would come over for an evening and we would do days out with my Ds.

I might also fact check the "girlfriend kicked him out and left him with nothing" because if he was living in her place why did he not have savings?

What he is essentially saying is he rejects your son and doesn’t accept him in his life

This is a thing, certainly in England as DH was told exactly that when he divorced his previous wife with a child that wasn’t biological his. It ‘can’ affect the financial settlement of a divorce because ultimately the courts want to make sure any needs of a child of the family is catered for.

Just because it has been talked about, doesn't mean its going to be something that has to be done right away. I have no plans of him even moving in right now so it would have been way way down the line.

Actually he’s not wrong, while CMS can’t force a step parent to pay maintenance, a family court CAN order a step parent to pay financial support as part of a divorce if the stepchild was treated as a "child of the family"; obviously it depends on circumstances but your child having SEN would be relevant.