DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Cocklodger. Get rid

Oh Op… this middle aged man moved in with you with bugger all assets to his name. That should have been your warning

All the money you’re wasting on him…. Could be going to your only child’s future

It’s easier to throw back in your face the “emasculating” comments than actually listen to your opinion and consider changing his behaviour. On top of being a cocklodger he’s also costing you MORE in office fees because he would find you having people in YOUR house instrusive. What a joker.

He’s onto a great thing, he won’t let it go lightly. I admire you for recognising it and taking steps to sort it out.

Bluntly, he needs to move out. You have a cocklodger and things won’t get better.

oh God, HOW do women end up with these dire excuses for men?

please dump him. Why would you risk your financial security supporting him?

He objects to YOU taking on extra work in YOUR house to make up for the fact that he pays very little to live in it?

He won't work for anyone else? Wow. 😨

Beggars can't be chosers.
He is living on easy street with you isn't he?
He will never change unless he has to. 💯
He would soon change his tune if he was no longer living with you.

Time for a come to Jesus meeting and see if this is what you really want OP....

@BeLimeTiger

There is no reason whatsoever to live with a man you don't have DC with. What if you had refused to live with him? would he still be in his own house working as he needed to pay the bills, but no, of course he gave up work as he could sponge off you. You can have a relationship without ever living together you know.

Exactly!

I wouldn’t be moving a middle aged man in to my mortgage free property who was coming to the table with nothing financially

and the Op has a child. All this money spent on him could go to her child!

come on Op!!

Tell him you both are no longer financially compatible and he has to move out. He can go and be self employed somewhere else.

This isn’t what I want. The thought of 6 more weeks of this fills me with dread, let alone six more years. He had the opportunity to use his (not insignificant) savings to build some security for himself and he’s done the opposite.

What does he do all day?

Is he working about 12 hours a day on building up his new business - and showing you the developmental stages as proof? New businesses typically take 3 years before they show profit, so it can be a difficult time, but he should have a proper business plan and realistic financial forecast.

If he isn't earning or working or contributing fairly to the cost of your home, but is demanding you don't bring clients back to the home you pay for, what exactly is he contributing to your life?

I suggest you ask him to move out. that will show whether you have a relationship of a cocklodger.

It would definitely be the end for me. It's completely irresponsible of him to state that he'll never work for someone else if he is not making a decent living being self-employed!

If I were you, I'd be telling him to move out. He needs to stand on his own two feet and support himself. You know the old mumsnet saying - he's a cocklodger!

so no one with DC should ever move in with someone else? Jeez

I think the poster means there is nothing keeping you in the same house if there aren't shared children.

Not when they’re middle aged and being sweet FA to the table Op.

He works on his business at home (I don’t doubt that he’s worked on this) and recently started doing a bit of minimum wage work where he can choose his hours. He had a couple of small contracts but no paid work from his business since March

Surely if you move him out, you can do your office hours in YOUR OWN HOME (why the fuck he thinks he has a say I don’t know 🙄) and you’d be better off?

Tell him you want him to move out and go back to dating, you’re starting to feel like him mum and you don’t want to “emasculate” him anymore. If he lives by himself he can be a REAL man, rather than sponging off a woman; twat.

Bloody hell… so you’ve been subbing him.

What is he like with your son?

Did you go on holiday with him this summer? If so… who paid?!

Well firstly, if he would find you seeing clients at home intrusive, he is welcome to leave as you have a business to run. You absolutely should not incur the cost of a rental due to him. If he hates it that much, HE can pay the office rental.
I would recommend asking him to move out as him living there is not working out for you. You can also point out you will be seeing clients at home which you know will be a problem for him so it is in his best interests. Give him 1 month’s notice. Suggest you are together but living apart until he is ready to buy a place together - which is code for never given how he is running his finances.
Unfortunately, I am reasonably sure when you are no longer subsidising him indefinitely, he will see no future in the relationship. I hope I am wrong. However that is still no reason to let yourself get taken advantage of.

Then its a hobby and needs to be done in evenings and weekends only, whilst he works paid during the week. Do look at the real costs of housing him and nake sure he is paying a genuine fair share

I couldn't respect a man who has made it to middle age with no assets. This isn't working for you; it's ok to call it quits.