DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Get rid of him before the laws change to make him eligible for half of whatever you've got if he's lived with you for over 3 years. Its also clear hes taking you for a mug and Hes using you

I wonder if he'd have decided to think about going self employed if he'd not had somebody to provide him with some where to live? Much too convenient for somebody without much drive.
As you say, it's a massive red flag. Unless he's prepared to rethink his plans I don't see much future for you, sadly. Must be daunting for you to think about telling him this though.

Why won’t he get another employed role? It’s all very well saying ‘he doesn’t want to work for anyone again’, but in that case you need to go back on your word if your business is a pipe dream.

Maybe you could tell him that it's best he finds somewhere else to rent while he still has the money to do so (he must have some money if he's still contributing - it's coming from somewhere, either savings or earnings). Because if he's living on savings, what will happen when those run out?

Best he finds himself somewhere and works on 'starting his business' with all the spare time he will have when he's living alone.

Alarming that you are considering renting an office at further cost to you while he is in your home, that you pay for! While he “works” but does not earn. Op of course people can live together but was there any need? He has made your life financially harder and more stressful. These men should come with a warning. Never live with someone who does not have their own home of some kind! He sounds way too comfortable.

He needs to go Op. There are mutterings about partners being entitled to property/assets in the event of a split. Labour want to introduce this. Don’t risk him having a claim on your property and hence taking away any inheritance for your dc.

Oh OP I feel for you!
A surprising number of men do "lose" highly paid corporate jobs once they've move in with financially stable women - you see it on here all the time. And then use the opportunity to live the dream...
I think your instincts are right.
Start by having your clients at your home - you worked hard for that house, why on earth should you have to rent an additional space?

Shame as you probably like him a lot .
But your financial imbalance and his attitude towards this is to big an issue to ignore . You will resent him , he says he feels emasculated. News flash , guys who pretend that they are self employed when they earn no money are not considered very macho are they . Just another cocklodging loser . Emasculate that .

Why does he get to dictate what you can and can't do in the home that you are paying for?

I think a serious evaluation of what this relationship brings for you is required

What you do is tell him emphatically if he can work from home on his business that is making zero income, you can most definitely use the home you own to pursue paid employment. No discussion, done deal. Of that makes him uncomfortable, he can go off and get a job outside of the house, then it will have no impact on him anyway. If you are sure the relationship is over, why are you even entertaining his veto? Making him uncomfortable can work in your favour.

You have been targeted.
These men don't suddenly turn into loser users.
They see a soft mark and take their chance.
It is as simple as that.

He will try and guilt you and make you feel unreasonable.

You have a child and you have a loser.
They often target single parents.
God knows MN is full of such tales.

You need to get your exams as a priority.

Immediately after it, you take to the police and get their advice on getting him out.

You tell him he needs to leave and you have been in touch with the police.

Only the lowest scum target a single parent.

It is so unbelievable that you would rent space, costing you money, because this loser doesn't want clients in YOUR home.

Where is your self respect that you would allow this?

The comment about you having clients in YOUR OWN HOME, come on....how did you let that comment go?

Well a lot has been “let go” so I guess this is just added to the list

If you even think this is a possibility about a boyfriend - even if he suddenly secures a very well paying job and offer you loads of money - say no and get him out.

But it IS financially disadvantaging you....

And now it would seem gone down the drain.

I think you need to tell him that you will not be renting office space. And that you will be seeing clients in your own home and he will need to find somewhere else to work. It does not make any sense you’ve got pay out to rent office space because of his preferences, it is a shame that you have lost respect for him but you sound like you have a very sensible head on you and you will look after yourself and do the right thing. Good luck.

I think you need to tell him that you will not be renting office space. And that you will be seeing clients in your own home and he will need to find somewhere else to work. It does not make any sense you’ve got pay out to rent office space because of his preferences, it is a shame that you have lost respect for him but you sound like you have a very sensible head on you and you will look after yourself and do the right thing. Good luck.

Do you have proof of these 'savings'?

Oh no, he's a hobosexual. He either gets a job or you get rid.

Where he goes and what he does after you split is none of your concern. You don't owe him anything. It's over. You're done. Goodbye.

Focus on your exams and start planning your future.

Wish him luck with his never-going-to-be-employed-again dream and tell him remember to leave his keys.

He has an asset, he has bagged a sugar mummy/golden goose (aka @BeLimeTiger)

I think you've made your mind up to end it, I think you would be right. It's also a good lesson for your son to see you refuse to be mooched off

What’s he like with your son?

You know what you need to do.