DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

@bigboykittyIt’s so hard to grieve a future you thought you were going to have.
Take care of yourself x

Still no word from him @BeLimeTiger ? I wonder if the one person in the world who likes him (his one friend) is getting sick of him yet.

Did any of your friends or family like him?

Since you knew him he went NC with his family? Why?

She doesn’t seem delighted to me, more confused by why he would mow the lawn, or just stating a fact. It seems like you’re projecting a bit.

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, OP. Good luck!

DH tried to pull the self employed thing some years ago after losing his job. At the time we had three children, ages 2-10. 🙄 I eventually had to boot him out of the house until he came to his senses, which he did, but if we hadn’t been married and the father of our children I don’t think I’d have accepted him back. What is it with men thinking they’re going to be the next Jeff Bezos or something??

What’s the marriage like now?

Mostly fine. It was 8 years ago or so now and we’ll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in a few weeks, so we’d had over a decade of marriage before he lost his mind (as I think of it). It was an awful time and there are some lingering effects. For instance, venting about your job to your spouse is a normal thing, but if he does it I get nervous because in the back of my mind I think “what if he quits or something and we’re back where we were” but then we talk about it and it’s okay.

And he has remained in steady employment throughout?

I think he’d been no contact with his mum at various points during his adulthood. They’d been trying to patch things up when we met. He had a difficult childhood and described her as being emotionally unavailable and prone to rages. They had an argument one day and days of ignoring each other turned to weeks and then years.

I asked for a forwarding address for his mail (I also applied for my single person council tax discount and the form wanted a forwarding address for him). He said he didn’t have one yet. There was no other conversation.

I feel really heartbroken today and I don’t really know why. It’s not like we’d really hang out much on Saturdays as I’d be busy with DC’s sports and he’d do his own thing.

He enjoyed the company of one of my oldest friends and her DH. Her impression was that he was kind and good fun. Family initially thought the same, but saw a different side to him over the last year or so. He made snide remarks to my sister last time she stayed and it was awful. She’s very successful and has a lifestyle that matches with that.

He made snide remarks to my sister last time she stayed and it was awful.

He would have been out on his ear

Isn't it scary how long they can keep up the image when it suits them, and how fast they drop it when there's no benefit to them any more.

We’re incredibly close and it broke my heart. It felt like he was baiting her, which he denied of course!

He sounds jealous of her lifestyle.
You are WELL RID. 💯
@BeLimeTiger

Oh yes. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he weren’t; last time traumatized me. He’s changed jobs in that time but had the new employment secured before he left the first.

The more you post, the more I can’t believe this limped on for so long

I feel really heartbroken today and I don’t really know why. It’s not like we’d really hang out much on Saturdays as I’d be busy with DC’s sports and he’d do his own thing.

I think sometimes it's just hard not to be part of "a couple" - seems everyone else is all coupled up and very few relationships are all bad...you'll remember the good times with him.
Reading back your posts on this thread will help.

A relative had a similar form for the council tax, just say you don’t know as you’ve separated. Then send it back to get your discount pronto!

They wanted ‘proof’ that he moved out so I sent a screenshot of his message telling me ‘the keys are on the table. I will respond in due course’ . Every time I’m feeling a bit wobbly I just read parts of this thread. Thank you all, it really helps! X

Hi OP!

How is your Sunday going?
I find that when feeling down or crap, certain things help, such as;
A walk in the fresh air 😌
A hot bubble bath 🛀
Reading a good book 🤓
A hearty meal - Sunday toast for example! 😋
Or even a cleaning spree while listening to 90s tunes 😆

Whatever makes you feel a bit brighter.

I hope you have a lovely Sunday
@BeLimeTiger 💕

A hearty meal of Sunday Toast 🤣 Wondering what you’re spreading on that toast…

2 weeks is perfectly fine as long as he behaves himself in that time and doesn’t make the atmosphere in the house horrible or life difficult at all. If he does he has 24 hours to get out from there.
not your problem where he goes and if he has to rent a room in a house share then that’s his problem

I meant Sunday roast 😆 🤣 😂
Silly autocorrect 🤣

@BeLimeTiger

Just think back to him making your sister feel shit

or the failed relationship counselling

or the fact your son didn’t seem even slightly sad that the man he’d had to share his home and mum with had suddenly buggered off

and that is not even factoring in his pathetic finances

I've just split up with my partner and he moved out on Friday after weeks of moving out his stuff crap. He won't tell me where he has moved to and frankly I don't care. Apart from my house being a lot tidier and cleaner and I now have full use of the bathroom cabinets and wardrobes I don't have any written proof. I wonder if the Council would accept before and after photos?

Like the OP’s proof - you don’t have one single
message to indicate that the relationship is over?