DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

No paid work since March is insane.

His "business" sounds like an ego trip. At your expense.

Yes, perhaps you should think him as ‘unemployed’ , not ‘self-employed’.

Oh OP he's awful. Chuck him back asap. He's no catch.

So why isnt he the one renting the office if he is the one that has the issue? This is your home and your business, no way would I be paying out an additional cost to cater to someone else.

But it sounds like there are larger issues in the relationship too.

It doesn't appear to be at her expense given he's paying his way.

Sounds like he's unemployed not self-employed. Getting back into normal office work becomes a lot harder in your 50s. Pension provision won't be a priority if no income coming in. He needs to do an urgent turnaround, or if it's serious problems going forward.

I’m not financially disadvantaged living with him but I think I will be if I stay with him long term.

We had the ‘I think it’s time to find proper employment’ conversation yesterday and he emphatically said that he will never work for someone else again. That was the death nail for me

Tell him you love him and want to be with him but that the promise was a mortgage together and that that isnt happening, for a start you need 3 years accounts earning good money, say he needs to move out as you are finding money tough and want to work from home but that you can stay together but not live together...i think as others have said he wont be at all happy, he feels you are shrinking his balls he needs to get out of your house and start being an adult......and in answer to your question if women stopped moving men into their homes when they have children yes there would be far less upset children

Sorry OP this situation is not going to improve.

He's not willing to work for someone else and working for himself isn't generating any income so nothing will change.

Not sure he has the gumption to tell you what you can and can't do for WORK in your own home!

He's much too cosy. You saw and opportunity for you to build a life together. He saw an opportunity to give up his job and let you take the stress.

Sorry you are here but you've got to take your life back.

Yes

You live together why are you both paying half of everything? A token amount in rent and half the utilities - can I come and live with you

I think you might have a problem getting rid of him as he has no proof of regular income to secure a rental.

Do not rent an extra office - see your clients in your house.

get rid of him

Yes, it would be for me. I presumed he said that as the beginning of his business venture, not now.

I would make him homeless within a matter of milliseconds.

Surely he'll have no choice but to work for someone else when you split up.
What will you do if the shock of a suggested split makes him get a job OP?
That would put you in a position of wondering if he's clinging onto you or "his" home.

So he is doing some work for the minimum wage … then he IS presumably ok to work for someone else? He’s not even being true to his principles!

you know what you need to do, OP.

So timeline
2 years not living together
3 years him living with you
18 months of it he hasn’t had a proper job and has been cock lodging off of you

job hasn’t got him any earned income in 18months

that’s not a job thats a hobby

If he’s paying you rent (you’re profiting off him) and half the bills then he’s contributing just fine so I don’t see an issue there.

The issue is that it doesn’t look like it could continue for long and you’ll have a cocklodger before long. Even if he did continue to, it doesn’t seem you’ll be happy as the idea was to merge finances and buy property together which is never going to happen. You’ll never be happy with him best to get rid.

Jesus god get rid. The audacity to say you can’t see clients in your own house, why are you putting up with this?

If he wants to be less emasculated he can go hunting in the rental market

I’m worried about this. I don’t think he’s going to say ‘fair enough, I understand where you’re coming from’ and quietly make his own arrangements. I’ve got professional exams coming up in a week so I need to stay focused on that

You have brought a total user loser into your home with a child in it.
Of course he saw you coming.

Telling you that you can't have clients in your own home?

Wake up please and see what everyone reading this can.

Of course he thinks you are a soft touch.

Why would you have such a loser around your child living off you.

You are his pension plan🙄.
Get him out of your home.
See your clients in your house, and protect your money for your child.

Get rid before it’s too late

I think once your exams are over then you need to get legal advice. Does he have family or friends he can go and stay with?

(He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) Oh would he ?He would find it intrusive for you to see paying clients in a house that you own? tough shit for him.

(and he made a comment about what good value it is.} well he will know all about good value won't he ."{He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.}
Well if he doesn't want to be offended and emasculated ,then he can contribute more ,move out, not comment on you seeing clients at home . There are Quite a few options available to him.
what the actual fuck - she fucking fucker.