DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Sadly he's a taker.
I would write your wish that he leaves your property in a letter.
Give him 14 days
Hopefully he has some funds left to rent somewhere.
My cousin had a partner wait 10 years before they spilt and demand 50% of everything.
You have your child to think of
There is no point in living with anyone unless you're married ( I suspect you were). If they genuinely have money they'll protect their selves. You should do the same.

Fwiw my BFF went on a date last week and the next time they spoke he asked for a loan!. He obviously clocked her car, jewellery and business address.

Not your problem OP. He will have to stay with friends or family won’t he?

Get your exams out of the way then get the locks changed.

This

He needs to go. He has started cocklodging. I wont allow any man in my house. It always ends up like this. As soon as they move in they want to start a micro brewery or something ridiculous.
He also has no right to tell you not to work in YOUR HOUSE. I cant believe you alloed this and rented officd space.
He needs to start earning your respect not sponging off you and laying down rules.

While OP is not in a great situation, nevertheless your statement is huge - totally black and white. There are many reasons for people who don't have DC to live together - such as love and wanting to spend all their time together, wake up in the same bed every morning, etc. You're stating your opinion as though it's some kind of fact. Opinions are not facts.

STBXH did this to me, I ended up funding our family out of savings for 4 years before I finally left. I then found out he’d racked up stonking credit card bill.

First comment nails it. Cocklodger, get rid.

You are perfectly within your rights to issue an ultimatum. He hasn't worked for 18 months, his business idea is either a dud or he hasn't tried hard enough, yet he is deluded enough to think he shouldn't have to work for anyone else. Either he gets a job or he moves out. The icing on the cake is that he resents your clients being in the house, which pays your mortgage and keeps a roof over his idle head.

(By far not an important point but just fyi it’s “death knell” rather than nail — or obviously “final nail [in the coffin])

So, you need to pay more to get and office to see your clients, because he has an issue with you doing it in your house?

Concentrate on studying for your exams this week, and put this out of your head for now.

As soon as your exams are finished, give him 2 weeks notice to move out. Him not having a salary for rent affordability is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You are under no legal obligation to have him live in your home. You are ending the relationship, and therefore, he must leave. Call the police to remove him if it comes to it.

He wouldn't have been able to attempt to "live his dream", had you not provided him with inexpensive living accommodation. Quite how he has the audacity to tell you not to have your clients come to your home, costing you money on rent elsewhere, well, he's got more front than Brighton.

yes, you have given him a chance to 'try his dream of self employment' and it has failed. If he had been renting privately he probably would not have had that opportunity, but its either a dud or a hobby. No clients at all since March is not a good omen, and some minimum wage work is only a possibility because he is still being subsidised by you.
Time to play self employed in his own house, as others say, you dont want to be burdened when his pot runs dry - at least now he may have the funds to cover a rental - or the law changes for cohabiting couples. Everything you have worked for is for you and your son.

It can be bloody hard work getting these men out, once they're in.
I think, now I'm divorced, I'll never live with another man again. Dating, maybe, in time. But it's just so relaxing not having a man about the place.
Get your exams done first OP. Expect him to guilt trip you horrifically. Or you could give him an ultimatum - he gets paid employment, or he moves out. But you'll have to be strong - you are not being unreasonable.

Oh OP you know he’s a manipulative piss taking loser!

Just tell him to pack his bag and go!

I would tell him the relationship has run its course as you clearly have different visions of life and you'd like him to move out by X date.

It is your house. If you want to use a room as an office to generate extra income then that is your right. He has no place even to comment on it. He has clearly made himself all too comfortable at your expense. Cancel the office space and tell him since poor Mr Sensitive finds the prospect of your work intruding on his living space too triggering then he can give you back his front door key and close it quietly behind him as he leaves.

If he objects to you having clients in your house, then he can go and rent a bl..dy office…

OP it is a good thing he paid you rent as I think that shows he was a renter - as opposed to a partner only because the law will soon be that a partner who has lived in ones house for 2 years has the right to make a legal claim on it. See a solicitor re. this matter and find proof of his rent payments. He is already acting like he owns the house.

@BeLimeTiger So what is “the something big”? Do you honestly believe this? If he’s got savings he can rent somewhere maybe - but an income check will cause problems! He needs to get a job and rent a place. You have been duped!

Even if I walked into an amazing job tomorrow the fact would remain that I would never trust him financially again. I’ve never been married and spent decades creating stability for myself. I’m just so disappointed, it was all looking so promising for the first 3.5 years

Agreed

We had the ‘I think it’s time to find proper employment’ conversation yesterday and he emphatically said that he will never work for someone else again. That was the death nail for me

He needs to earn some money, it worries me that he doesn’t understand that

He is completely unreasonable to say you cannot have clients to visit you in your own house.

See clients in YOUR house, don't waste money on rent, tell him if it's intrusive he can go out when they're there - maybe looking for a job?

He's a leech. Dump.

Sorry you're going through this. Some options to consider -

Look in to beneficial interest and get a lodger agreement in place and/or ask him to move out.

If you have any plans to sell and move anyway, tell him you're moving and start doing viewings / get estate agents round. Then let him know he needs to find somewhere to live because you don't want to live with him. Either at all or until he has a job.

I find that at the point of needing an ultimatum, it's over anyway.

OP, I have a few friends with younger sisters like you, professional, home owning women who somehow ended up with fxxking user losers living off them.

They wouldn't be told.
And on it went for years, until final the women cracked, OR they upped and left for a younger bet.
Every one of those women had a chancer claim made on their house.
They had fixed doors...maintenance.
They had hung a shelf...added fixtures and fittings.
Fixed a loo, 5 minute job, ....plumbing works.

Each of those women paid 30-50k to get rid of these losers.
Their excellent solicitors told them to do it as they would end up paying it in fees.

If you were my friend I would be terrified for you now.

Toughen up and get real before this ends up biting you in the arse.