DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

This. It's your home you can have as many clients visit you in your house as you want. If he objects show him the door.

I've lived with someone who is financially stupid (sorry there's no other word for it!) and made irresponsible choices because of it. I'm the complete opposite and I found it worrying and stressful. He wanted to be self-employed, but he had zero business acronym at all, and it was a disaster. I got accused of 'not being supportive'. Well, no I'm not going to support ridiculous and stupid decisions!

Your partner isn't running a business. If he hasn't had a paid contract since March, he's running a failing business, that's now nothing more than a hobby. Any savings your partner has will be running out, which is what he's presumably being using to 'pay his way'. Once those savings are gone, he'll have zero money to 'pay his way', and you'll be paying everything 100%.

If your partner isn't prepared to find paid employment, and yes, that means working for someone else, then you need to call time on the relationship. As it stands, with no means to financially support himself, he's going to struggle to move out (unless he can stay with a family member).

Don't rent office space. Why on earth should you do that?! It's your home and your clients, therefore you can see them where you like. Don't waste yet more money to appease your partner.

See this is why you should date people in your income bracket.

He's nothing but a cocklodger. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

@BeLimeTigerMy DH went self employed at 27. My DD1 at 26. The key is that they both had qualifications and skills that are in demand. DH had to get clients but his expertise and ability meant he could. I think if your partner is not invoicing for work, in truth, he doesn’t have a business. What on earth is he working at? Making contacts? What line of business is he pursuing? This matters a great deal.

Plus, my DH would always go back to being employed if that was necessary. Unlike your partner, we had a mortgage and always needed money! It drives you to be successful. Your partner doesn’t seem driven and, frankly, should get a job that pays! I’d be beginning to wonder why his former employer released him. However no one with no money coming in should refuse to be employed.

You don’t think he’ll leave if you ask him to?

This. Definitely a cocklodger taking you for a mug!

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live

This doesnt scream 'I want to spend the rest of my life with him' 🤦‍♀️

I find that everything seems to be on his terms. His work, his not wanting your clients in the house. His feelings when you voice your concerns.

Am all for going self-employed, I did it myself for over 20 years but normally someone works while setting up clients etc, even if part time for security. What's he going to do when his savings are gone and he can no longer afford to pay you rent?

Sorry OP, he needs to buck up his ideas. A year of this is more than kind of you and have the clients in your home if you so wish.

@BeLimeTiger Yes I agree with the quoted post above re: legal advice. I know there is no marriage - but I am not sure about the rules about establishing rights to residence or a share of the house, if contributions to living have been paid by the non-home owner partner, in the event of a split??

Do your exams. Then end the relationship and tell him to move out.

I'd do this with a strong friend in the house with you

THEN CHANGE THE LOCKS

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

Don’t do this, it’s your house, ffs!! What a CF!

This block has I'm a cock lodger in neon lights hanging over his head. He's taking you for a prize mug OP.

If he had been living in his own home with bills to pay, I doubt very much he would have attempted to run his own business rather than immediately trying to find another job. Maybe he might have still been trying to start a business on the side - but in the meantime until it met with success - he'd have continued working for someone.

But because he's freeloading off of you - he just decided to take advantage and screw around with a basically non earning business. It's disgusting. Stop allowing it. He needs to get a job immediately and contribute financially in a meaningful way or he moves out.

He's a dead weight cocklodger and you're looking at paying more of your hard earned money for office space to work because Mr Cocklodger finds your clients in the home intrusive.

You're financially incompatible and he's become a financial drain.

If his self employment isn't bringing in enough income to support him, it's not a business, it's a hobby and you're now supporting him when you have an actual 10 year old to support.

He needs to leave. He will never pull his weight.

You seem to have decided that you’re done. It’s the right decision OP.

Has he got someone he can go to immediately? A parent or a friend, for example? Not that it’s your problem any more, but you don’t want him hanging about awkwardly and unhappily at your house with you and your son whilst he looks for a place (and takes his time!)

@BeLimeTiger Yes, I had a similar experience many years ago OP. Not exactly the same and I don't want to go into details. But you need to get rid of him before he ruins you. It won't be long before he persuades you to remortgage your house or something like that. He's a lodger so he has no legal rights. Please see the light before he ruins you and your child's life.

This has been the easiest LTB I have read.
In the immortal words of mumsnetters everywhere...

LEAVE THE BASTARD 💥

Sorry but fuck that!!!
You say he doesn't like you hosting clients on your own house!?!?!?!? - tell him to get out today

Who the fuck does he think he is to tell you what you can do in your own home? He has wasted no time in getting his feet under the table! He is draining your resources and costing you money. It is only going to get worse.

He needs to move out.

It would be cheaper for you for him to rent somewhere to live

Has he got aprivate pension coming OP? Or are you his pension plan?

The thing is, he's renaged on the deal hasn't he? The deal was you were going to purchase a property together. Now he's saying that he won't work for someone else which means at least 3 years before he can get a mortgage except he WONT get a mortgage because he isn't earning.

I'd remind him of the deal you had, give him an ultimatum. 2 months to get back in employment or move out.

NO!!!!! Unless he is WORKING AND PAYING HIS WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How dare he dictate to you want you do in YOUR home! If you want to see clients privately in your house then absolutely do that. Don't be wasting half your profits on rent ffs.
Oh and unless he starts contributing properly to the household, he can find somewhere else to live. You are enabling his lax attitude to finances by supporting his half hearted (failed) attempt at being SE. If he didn't have you he would have no choice but to pull his finger out and get a decent paying job.
Sorry OP but unless he has a serious change of attitude, throw this one back.....

I hope you iron cast paperwork protecting your home so he can claim a share of it. Especially given he’s been paying ‘rent’

Then tell him to leave. Please. Before he tries to get money off you when he has none