DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

it was a complete shock when mine unexpectedly moved out, but I think it dragging on for weeks would’ve been far worse. My sympathies are with you! Just find a message that shows that it’s over a screenshot it. Even if it’s an unanswered one that says something like ‘you moved out on Friday and I’m not sure where you’ve gone so would you like me to forward your post to your mum?’

This lady on Facebook posts some really great stuff to help you get over heartbreak.

https://www.facebook.com/jillianturecki

It's ups and downs at the start but you'll feel so much better soon limetiger

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@TroysMammy whilst councils can ask for evidence, there is no obligation on you to provide formal evidence if you do not have any. They can establish the situation through asking you reasonable questions. So you can push back if you don't have proof.

Has your son said anything about this? Opened up? Even if just to say he’s happy / sad?

After all this man has been in his life for years, lived in his home, he’s been on holiday with him, shared Christmas and birthdays with him etc etc and yet there’s about two mentions of your son in the entire thread….

Thanks for the info @BeLimeTiger and @ReadingSoManyThreads I have just checked my phone messages and there is a long one mentioning moving out and it also says that I am the loveliest, funniest and most beautiful woman he'd ever met so I'm more than happy for the council to have that one 😀

DS has such a close relationship with me and his dad and his main concern was that the dogs could stay together. To be honest we didn’t do much of the blended family stuff and only went on a couple of holidays together over the last 5 years. I did camping holidays and weekend breaks just me and DS most of the time. Ex liked having time to himself and didn’t really want to come with us. He was friendly towards DS, but there was no real emotional connection there. It always bothered me a bit, but I thought ex was just giving us space because DS is with his dad for half the week, so our time together is special

I think he just enjoyed having your free house to himself. The lengths these men will go to just to live for free off of someone else. Utter scumbags.

I bet you son is so so happy he’s gone. To be living with a man he has no emotional connection to but having to share his home with must have been not great for him.

@BeLimeTiger

I feel really heartbroken today and I don’t really know why.

It's the death of the dream. You had a dream of what your life was going to be going forward. He's smashed that dream and now it's gone. So remember that it's the loss of the dream you mourn, not the loss of the man.

There will be new and better dreams for you and DS, trust me. And you have the strength and determination to make those dreams come true.

Remember "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think". (AA Milne)

I bet it’s going hell to leather on the interviews now!

I’m so sorry it’s horrible for you, but his continued behaviour says you traded away a lifetime of gaslighting — definitely the right thing.