DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

I paid for the accommodation, he paid for flights and car hire. I paid for our last holiday and I said that if he wanted to come he’d need to pay his way. I know lots of MN people wouldn’t agree with this (because we’re in a relationship), but I’ve been clear that his work dream shouldn’t financially disadvantage me

That’s not what that poster meant. You don’t have DC together so you don’t have to live in the same house .

That was probably the very last of any money he had

Editing as I misread post and thought you were married: I would break up.

but I’ve been clear that his work dream shouldn’t financially disadvantage me

well not that clear… given your Op and the situation you find yourself in

Pause
reread the Op

slowly

Yep. I think it’s a massive red flag. It bothered me at the time, but his job and decent savings meant that he could’ve carved out a really good life for himself by now. I’ve lost respect for him so it’s not fair on either of us to stay together

If you threw him out what would he get up to?how would he support himself ?

He has never bought a property
he had multiple children
Op… he saw you coming

What exactly is he working on in his "business"? Is he in some kind of workshop designing a new product or has he spent months writing a new computer program or app? What can YOU see for the months he's spent claiming to work on it??

I suspect, though, he's got nothing to show for all this time he claims to have spent on it. It's probably all nothing but "good intentions" rather than a genuine new business start up.

I'm an accountant and have literally seen dozens, if not hundreds, of "dreamers" who havn't the gumption, ability nor personality to actually start a business, yet go through the motions (worse are those who've taken something like a business studies course who know the theory but not the practice) - lots of time wasted writing plans etc but not actually "doing" anything on the business. Some have managed to burn through tens of thousands (one managed over a hundred thousand) with literally bugger all to show for it by spending on all kinds of software, subscriptions, marketing cons, fancy computers/printers, but no actual end product that they can sell.

He needs to get a job, and then he can work on his "pretend business" in the evenings and weekends as a kind of hobby. There is probably a one in a hundred chance it actually turns into something, but until then, he needs to be a responsible grown up and not sponge off the OP. If he won't do that, then the OP needs to tell him to move out before he drags her down.

Another point re his intention for them to buy a house together - he'll not get a mortgage without a proper job until his business has actually been up and running and showing a profit for 3 years. So OP can forget that plan for, say, 5 years or so, not to mention her partner doesn't have any savings/investments for his half of the deposit etc.

He had a property with his partner before me. They sold it and he had the money in savings

End the relationship and kick him out. He's not the man you met. People change and it's time to move on.

So you’re saying he squirrelled this away. Made a “small” contribution for rent and has now spanked it all and living off you (and your son)

So where are his savings now??

I do find it strange to move in with someone you are romantically involved with before you commit you are building a life with them long term.
That the things you assumed he would do were not discussed. There were not shared plans.

It sounds like as you own the house he doesnt feel the need to worry about money. Longterm do you plan to leave everything to your child? If so then maybe plan ahead . As I bet he has considered how much of your assets he can get or use as the years go on.

No paid work since March? That’s six months. As someone said upthread, that’s a hobby (or retirement) not a business and at your expense.

Is he definitely refusing to get another job? Have you put this to him? Guess he’s used to being a kept man.

It would be outing for me to say, but he was quite high up and known in the field he works in. I’ve seen the website, been aware of meetings he’s had that have come to nothing. He got a couple of small contracts but nothing else after those ended. My friend spoke to him (she works in a similar field) and doesn’t see it taking off. I hope for him it does work out, but I’m done

He hasn’t had a contract since March? He doesn’t have a business. He has a hobby. He should either get a proper job or get out.

Right ok. So… what’s the plan?

If he’s had no business since March his business is failing. Do whatever you feel comfortable with, but no way would I be renting office space because he says it makes him uncomfortable - it’s your house and he’s not bringing much income to the table.

First poster nails it.

I agree with this. I am in a similar situation to you - though my DP works. I don't charge him rent but he does pay half of all bills. I cover all of the home maintenance/upgrades. We will never marry. He has his own house that's rented out - but my house is both of our home. The difference is that we had very frank conversations about the future before he moved in. We have a legal agreement that should we break up without incident then he has a specific timeline in which to move out, that my assets remain mine and his his. We don't have any joint assets and our wills ensure that our individual assets go to our respective children. He's a good man so there was no issue with this.

Massive difference

He is a property owner with a source of rental income!!

Has he continued to contribute rent and pay half the bills since he's been unemployed?