Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

He’s told you what he wants, now it’s time to think about what you want. Don’t rush - spend some time working out what your ideal separated/ divorced lifestyle looks like. Where would you want to live? Don’t rush into anything until you’ve had time to confirm your wants and needs.

If you’re separated, you don’t need to compromise in the same way any more. Of course you need to think of how it affects your children, but you get to live the life you want to live, not what he wants you to do.

personally, I wouldn’t be able to move on if you’re on top of each other. You need freedom from him to meet new people (platonic or romantic) and make new choices without his influence.

This proposed set up would totally fuck up your kids - Daddy going off for weeks/ months to find himself?? Potential girlfriends??? And - joy - you get to keep cleaning the house and doing the childcare. Brilliant wheeze.

To me, and sorry to sound harsh, but it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. He wants to live together yet go off travelling? So basically leaving you to do the daily family and house stuff while he buggers off on his holidays for god knows how long? And maybe you can get back together in a few years? To me, it sounds like he does have someone else or is planning on seeing other people and is keeping you on the back burner if none of it works out. I hope you choose you, OP.

He just wants to live like a single man for a few years but with all the benefits of a wife. If you properly separate he will still have to look after his kids part of the time but if you still live together he can leave the kids with you whilst he lives his single life. Don’t play along and be a side character in his mid life crisis.

He wants to shag around whilst keeping his comfortable home and family life to dip in and out of while he shags his way around the world.

Wanting to have his cake and eat it was my first thought too.

If that's what he wants - has he given any consideration at all to what you want?

100% this. Cake and eat it it too. You look after the kids and keep the home front cosy whilst he travels and has younger girlfriends. Dream on!
Sounds like he's having an absolutely text book mid life crisis.
You should separate properly and make your own life, do not consider his whims, choose what is best for you and your children. What he's proposing will be very confusing for the kids.
You can't move on whilst living in his pockets whilst he does whatever the hell he wants.

So what he wants is for you to organise and run the house keep everything ticking over while he goes on jollys? I don't see how that lifestyle benefits you or his children.

Yes, ‘cake and eat it’ was my immediate response too. He’s taking the piss. He’s trying it on to see what he can get away with. I would laugh loudly and then say ‘no seriously though, we’re obviously not going to live together, so let’s come up with a plan for finances and parenting responsibilities for the future’.

Fuck that. Clean break. Move on. Be happy.

I mean !

Tell him to fuck right off the bat- what a selfish deluded man he is. Texting a 24 year old - I’d have thrown him out by now!

He's taking the piss. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Cake and eat it … my ex seemed rather put out when I met someone else meaning he didn’t have the best of both worlds. Move on, put yourself first and tell him he needs to have the dc 50% of the time because you want a life too

Honestly you should be livid, get back together in a couple of years? When he's finished travelling and shagging about?
He wants to be young again but you can't go back in time. He'll just be a middle aged divorced guy not a young one.

He's spending a lot of time texting a 24 year old woman? And you think it's completely innocent? Really??

What you need to do is get legal advice and start divorce proceedings. Fuck living together or getting back together in a few years time when he's had his fun! Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are getting a divorce, selling the house, splitting the proceeds and that you will not be living with him ever again.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but why are you even entertaining his mad ideas? You need a clean break, for you and the children.

No, no and thrice no. He doesn't get to keep you on ice in case he wants back in once he's done with his travelling about (while you do all the parenting). He doesn't get to share the house where you'll be left to do all the admin, housework etc while he's absent. If he wants to separate then divorce and do it properly. What happens when one of you meets someone else? Bit awkward bringing them back to a house where your ex still lives. Tell him to do one. Sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis.

Wow. What about if you wanted to go off travelling to China and Argentina, the freedom to live a single life while he keeps things ticking over at home, promising to still be there once you’ve got it out of your system. Fuck that.
who is going to be funding this travelling?
who is going to be paying for the running of the house and kids etc whilst he’s off finding himself on his travels.
I’m so sorry OP, that he turned out to be such a man child wanker. I could not take him seriously ever again. As others have said, think about what would work for you.

You’ve described someone who sounds incredibly selfish and self centred.

This is not a reasonable arrangement.

I agree with the clean break. Get advice on your financial position for divorce. Take control of your life. Don’t let him decide what the cake looks like and who gets to eat what.

This absolutely sounds like a mid life crisis. On some level I sympathise, who doesn't want to live two lives and have the benefit of both. But people don't do this, we all make choices and they come with consequences. He is completely self absorbed and misguided. I think you need to make it very clear that it's a black or white choice. If he chooses to leave then he is choosing to permanently leave the relationship. No change of heart allowed. He wont live with his children but can co parent. If he chooses to stay he can't go travelling until kids are raised and absolutely needs to stop texting this girl. I think he needs a bit of therapy to he honest.

I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on.

Whatever you do, do not get swept up into agreeing to any of his selfish batshittery. Keep your grip and be the grown up. If you're separating, separate. See a solicitor. Don't get into debt or jeopardise the security of your and your DC's home for a man who's chasing some mad dream of youth (and some youthful women most likely). I wouldn't even tolerate listening to it any more tbh. Focus on yourself, what you want and how best to get it with minimum pain.

Fucking chancer. Bet he wants his laundry done amd meals provided also ?

Fuck no. Hard no. You separate.

You get as much out of him as you can because … you know, there are three of you … and he does his thing anytime, anywhere as long as it isn’t near your and yours.

Do not sympathise. Do not go gentle into that good night. Do not be kind (jfc, I hate that phrase). As our previous Prime Minister once said “always back Self Interest, at least you know that it’s trying to win”. NotDH is certainly having a go at backing Self Interest. No harm in you doing the same.

I would assume he wants a guilt free affair, so to live separately to pursue other women but have you still do the parenting.

absolutely no. But I would be going out significantly more so he can be default parent. How often is he at the gym? How often do you go out alone?

Quite. Also op do not go easy on finances. He has TOLD you he wants to leave thr country. He plans to leave the kids eith you and will not be expected to provide a penny towards them of he does.