Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

Well, I wouldn't mind being 25 again with no responsibilities either but guess what, I'm in my 50's with young adult children and bills to pay!

Tough luck to him, he's a middle-aged parent and he can't run away from his responsibilities. Don't agree to anything @PrincessCalley, make an appointment with a solicitor and get solid advice on how to achieve the best outcome for your children as they're your priority.

I also think it would be a good idea to gather up all financial information (make copies if you need to) and ask a family member or good friend to store it for you. Same with the children's passports.

I agree his suggestions are ridiculous and all about him. Tell him to leave and find somewhere else to live. You remain in your current home which is less disruption for the children and he pays you child maintence.
Run that idea by him.....

I hope you can talk to someone irl? You must feel so lost. He's so utterly pathetic trying to hang with the young crowd, using snapchat and making delirious plans. Did he forget he's a father of two? One thing if he wants to divorce you but it sounds like he just wants to be young and free again with no responsabilities. Tell him that when your children are adults he can have the freedom he wants but right now he's got fairly young children who need their father.

You need to think about you (and your children) first. Tell him you won't support his new life and you won't be living with him. He needs to support his children financially and emotionally even if you separate. He doesn't have the right to let his kids down.

Nobody else involved but he’s texting his 24 yr old gym buddy? So he wants to free himself up for dating and travel whilst you keep the home and family running? Sounds a great deal as far as he’s concerned. Tell him to gtf.

That sounds like an absolutely cracking deal for him.

He doesn’t have to find the money on his own to buy a house big enough for his children (as you will be buying it with him)

He doesn’t need to figure out how he will fund a mortgage and travelling whilst presumably not having an income, or at least not a full time one (as you will be paying half the mortgage)

He doesn’t have to worry about organising childcare for his children whilst he fucks off on holiday (as you will be doing it. For free.)

And your grand prize for facilitating this life of no responsibility for him? He MIGHT get back together with you. When he has finished shagging around. Whilst you have taken on every scrap of joint responsibility for your home, your family, your lives, to your own detriment, so that he can do whatever the fuck he wants. But he probably won’t get back together with you. He is will probably divorce you. And take half the money and assets that YOU have maintained over god knows how long whilst he splurged your JOINT marital funds on doing vodka shots on a beach in Thailand

Jesus. Just no.

Reading between the lines I reckon he wants to live with the OP so he as a housekeeper to cook and clean for him while he lives a bachelor’s lifestyle with easy access to his children.

Another middle-aged moronic man who would like to live with his children and retain your services as a nanny/housekeeper whilst being emotionally and morally free to fuck around 😂 Honestly, I hope tell him to fuck the fuck off and keep walking.

Agreed
- FOLLOW THE MONEY

And be careful @PrincessCalley He's been thinking about this for some time.
@ByQuaintAzureWasp was onto something there.

How is he financing his extended travel?
Is he presumably giving up work to do this?
He's said sell your mortgage free house... and then given various options.

I think he's planning an equity grab of what ever is left over after the sale.

The buying two houses is just nonsense.. designed to make you think he's
offering a range of options.
He's also decided it would be a good idea to con you into buying a new flat with him - which he could then claw back if there's a divorce, which would allow him to have gained 75% of your house equity. and as all the others have said to keep you there, looking after the kids and allowing him a space at the table when he feels like it.

Your youngest will be 18 in just 7 years time.... do you really want to then face a future of being stuck jsut the two of you in a small flat with this world traveller, who will have run through his share of the house equity, not been in full time employment or paying into his pension and will come home to roost and sponge off you?

If I were in your shoes I'd want to divorce and get my fair share of all the assets, including pension. Maintenance for the Children... and then be free to go off and rebuild my own life with the DC (who will need the support of the parent who cares about them) You are only in your 40s'. You don't have to accept his plans for the rest of your life.

Let him carry on talking about his big plans and quietly find out all the information you need to make your own plans, with legal advice.

Don't let him fleece you as that will also be fleecing your children and their futures.

To reiterate another poster

DIVORCE NOW BEFORE HE PISSES THOUSANDS OF YOUR JOINT ASSETS UP THE WALL

This is really important. If you divorce later after the money is gone, you'll effectively be paying half for his travels.

Is he also willing to support you taking off for weeks on end to Patagonia or the Serengeti? Ask him.

Wow! So he wants to bugger off around the world with his new 20 something mates, take a few Muay Thai lessons and backpack round some tropical islands and have you keeping his bed warm and his kids fed til he decides he wants to go home again.

Not for me. Most probably expecting you to put your life on hold regarding relationships while he enjoys his second chance at being young again?

No, no and no again. He’s having an affair or at the very least wants to pursue one. He wants everything exactly where it’s best to facilitate this new life he thinks he wants and also there as a fallback if it goes tits up.

No

If he wants to split up, off he goes. Get yourself a good solicitor. Don’t let him do this to you and your kids.

Another selfish prick, it’s so depressing.

So he wants you around as cook, cleaner, maid, babysitter, etc. That's all it is. A live-in housekeeper.

I also agree it sounds like he's interested in someone, even if he's not actively seeing anyone yet.

No one can tell you what to do, but we can advise you - tell him where to go!

Agree with pp he wants to shag around while you do the lions share of raising the kids. Then maybe in a few years once he’s had his fun you can get back together so you can take care of him in old age. Do you want to be with a man that treats you in this regard?

Problem with this option is that he can SAY he will do 50% of the childcare etc then bugger off to China never to be heard from again. OP has to prepare for having total responsibility, both financial and practical, for the children.

Sounds like a quick way to put your kids in therapy. Terrible idea.

Cringing for him. Daddy wants to go and explore the world and find himself whilst devastating his kids and wife. When’s your chance to bugger off for months and explore the world and find yourself? Oh wait, you don’t get that chance because he expects you to stay at home and look after his kids whilst he gets to act like he’s 18 years old again. This would be it for me. The end. Don’t give him the chance to think he left you and you’re sat waiting for him. This would be the biggest ick. Leave him.

He’s on cloud cuckoo land and wants to have ALL the cake and eat it too
bluntly
fuck him
file for divorce and separate properly

Mid life crisis.
Get divorce advice asap.
You need to protect yourself, house your children.
He can fxxk off to China and stay there.
You need to get rid of any softness, and focus on the finances and housing you will need for your future without him.

This is not an unusual story.
My friends brother was your twat husband.
Mid life crisis, left his job, fecked off travelling and living in south America for a decade.
Left his lovely wife to work and raise their twin girls.
It was very tough on her.
Two years ago he came back home and has expected to pick up with his birth family.
My friend has zero interest in him, she remained friendly with her SIL.

He has felt an enormous entitlement to his daughters who were initially very curious about him.
Two years on they have neither time nor interest in him.
He actually held fantasies about getting back with his wife now that they are mid 50's, and make a go of things again.

My friend thinks he is batshit delusional and cannot be around him, particularly as he laments all "his girls" being so "unforgiving".

Covert narcissist is my diagnosis.

OP men don't ever leave just to be alone. Sadly, it's close to 0%.
There will be someone and he just wants to have a roof over his head until she's ready for him.

I'm sorry.

This 100 per cent.

He really thinks he's so clever with all these "options" that he can pull the wool over your eyes whilst he finances his new holiday lifestyle.

You need to put a stop to this planned embezzlement asap.

Sounds like his Gap Yah means more to him than being a parent.

His ideas are bloody stupid.
Great for him.
Fucking batshit for everyone else.
Him go travelling for a few years then come back to you?! 🤯

What do you want?
I am hoping it's not to stay with him. He's abrogating responsibility as a parent.
Have a think about what you want. It might be time to get your ducks in a row and get legal advice.
There is no way you sell a mortgage free home without a solid plan going forward

The Snapchat incident doesn't bode well

All these nice (well, not really obv) little things are just ideals and they're used to soften the absolute horror that is divorce and seperation with kids and shared Financials, but they're just fantasy. 99.9% of cases play out very different in reality and you will almost certainly both end up hating each other to the point of not being able to stand the sight of one another. Probably sooner rather than later. And then his ideals will have made everything even harder and more difficult to get out of. Grit your teeth and split properly and completely now.

The audacity of some men honestly. Nothing surprises me. So he wants you to run the house, be there almost like a wife but while he gets to ho amd do what he wants, travel, sleep around etc but then in a few years once hes decided hes ready you can get back together. I would laugh in his face. Absolutely not! Never! Ever!
Get out of this situation OP, its going to be hard, but in the long run you will be so so much better off!

So sorry.

This sounds like a way for him to set himself up for his best possible single life.

You need to agree to only what sets YOU up for YOUR best possible single life, and keep an eye on your finances xxx