Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

Tell him to piss off!

Honestly! Just divorce the idiot.

He wants you to be a housekeeper and mother while he gets to travel the world and have sex with other women without having to commit to them because he has a wife. When he loses his libido or gets tired of his lifestyle, he will come back and you get to be his carer in his old age.
I would go for a divorce. I used to live in South America. He isn't a particularly rare breed.

I mean I think it sounds great..

…for him!

I think the only way to get through to him might be to fight fire with fire and invite round an attractive man to sit in his chair, drink his wine and listen to your ‘travel plans’ one evening.

Or is there an older male role model in his life who can talk some sense into him?

He doesn’t want to do the hard part of parenting and running a house. He wants to be free to travel and shag around. he’d like you all to move into town where he can access women and bars easier. He’ll stay living with you though so you can cook and clean and sort out the kids and he can seem like he’s still an involved parent. When he’s older and you’ve waited on the sidelines (definitely not shagging anyone else) he’ll take you back to look after him in his old age. It’s a very kind and generous offer from him right?

I don’t know why on earth you’re considering moving to town, or caring at all what he wants in any of this? You haven’t said a single thing about what you feel or what you want. Let him go travel if that’s what he wants. He doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and it’s absolute madness you’ve not told him to do one. He’s going to leave the country, and hes going to take as much money as he can get out of this.

You need to be free now to do what you need to do, not be a hotel for some dead weight. Guy is a total loser.

He's a mid 40s dude texting a 24 year old. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He sounds delusional. Is there a mental health history there?

I'd divorce. Your marriage means nothing to him and his delusional ideas sound like they're going to have him spending money he doesn't have and leaving you and the kids up Shit Creek. Get your ducks in order, get copies of everything financial, and get a lawyer consult as to what you're entitled to sooner rather than later.

Poor pet , he’s a bit tired of the parenting slog and wants to have some excitement and travel and he definitely IS having an emotional affair if nothing else

the cheek of him thinking he can hook up with you again

you are being kind to suggest its a mental breakdown

counselling?

Honestly OP, kick his pathetic arse into touch. Get back together later? Wtf. Proper separation including financial, child maintenance from him (how will he pay that when he's swanning round South America on his mid life crisis gap year?

He wants to go off and have fun and shag with no responsibility then come back to you in his dotage so you can look after him.

Wise up and get rid. Then live your best life.

He wants to shag around the world spending his money on himself while you put your life on hold, house keep and take care of the children.Then a few years down the line he expects you take him back and look after him in his dotage What a catch he is!
Tell him what you want and make it happen.

OP, in your shoes I would want to get a divorce, arrange a financial settlement and then make my OWN decisions about where to live. I would NOT want to be financially tied to someone like this who seems to have his head completely in the clouds.

Be firm, OP. Stop entertaining his dreams and delusions and insist on a clean financial break. He's the one that wants to split up after all!

Yep-get out now, divorce to crystallise your half of the assets because he’s going to piss his away. You don’t want him coming back in five years having spent like crazy, and able to make a claim on anything you’ve built and paid for.

What do YOU want? Don't let your husband dictate every aspect of this situation. I'm sorry to say but I suspect there is another woman involved here. No, there may not be an affair, but clearly this woman from the gym is giving your husband attention. She might genuinely like him and is friendly, he could be reading far more into the situation, than there is...he wouldn't be the first man to do this.

Your husband is living in cloud cuckoo land. If he wants to separate, then you separate. None of this half in and half out of the marriage. He either wants to be with you or doesn't. He can't have it both ways. It's not fair on your children or you, no one will know where they stand.

He's having a fucking laugh. He wants you to look after the kids and keep a nice, comfy home ready for him when he's finished shagging his way around exotic countries. Oh yeah, any reasonable woman would agree to that wouldn't they. And don't be so naive about this 24 year old at the gym either. In fact, don't believe a word he says. Divorce is your future OP with everything split evenly. Do it now before he spends his share.

I am sorry you are in this awful situation.

It has to be a clear break ... none of this living together and him dipping in and out on a whim.

He has seen the younger members of the gym leading carefree lives with no responsibilities and wants a piece of the action. Well he can't have it unless he makes a clean break from his current life.

He is sadly immature. What a dreadful disappointment for you.

Top of your priorities must be you and the children. Do not take his needs into account in any way. Simply do what is right for you and the children. Do not let him dictate what happens next.

The reality is that he is married with 2 kids aged 11 and 13. It no longer just about him and his wants but about you and the kids you have together also.
He wants to move into town so he can go drinking and meet other woman especially the 24 year he is texting. He wants to go traveling like he in his 20's and single. Meanwhile you be there do all the childcare, managing the money and be there with open arms when his 24 year old text buddy get sick of him.
I would put money into a bank account in your name only as well. I would not be letting him have access to any savings you put into joint accounts.

He is a selfish f*. I would gather up all your financial documents including both pensions and make an appointment with a good family law solicitor. You need to find out where you and the kids stand if you were to divorce. My feeling is that you're husband wants to separate to live the life of a single man but keep the house and his pension, savings ect.
I also think that you divorce when the kids get older he won't have to give as much money, his pension ect.
Also you currently live in a mortgage free home and he wants to move into town. I would not be taking out a mortgage to move into a house in town with him or to buy 2 house in town. Moving into town could make life easier with teenagers but what couple can afford to buy and run 2 House's.

You need to get good legal advice and get your ducks in a row. Then tell your husband that you have thought about what he said and that you want a divorce. He can move out, find his own place to live and have his children 50% of the time. He can also pay towards the cost of brining them up and with university costs as well.
You deserve better than this waste of space and yes you're kids maybe upset with a divorce. You need to do what's best for you and them now and into the future.

Would it be an option he goes traveling to China or wherever he wants for a few months on his own now, and you consider the future after that. If it’s just a mid life crisis, maybe just having the freedom to do this despite being married with kids might help? Personally I also believe that being married shouldn’t tie anyone in such a way that even extended travels are out of the question, as long as childcare arrangements are agreed on.

if you believe the marriage is over, that yes to buying to houses and expenses will be spilt 50/50 with the kids. Go and find your own happiness, don’t wait for him to realise he has everything… or had everything.

My advice, don’t live with him. My experience, 18 months living with STBXH who I thought would be reasonable. He wasn’t. DS was 18 months away from A Level exams. We didn’t want to disrupt him. So stayed together. Didn’t tell DS but he eventually worked it out as STBXH became more and more twatty. It was horrendous and all the time I covered for him. Unfortunately you simply cannot predict how he will behave

Do you honestly think he just wants to go sightseeing?? He wants to separate, with every freedom that implies, while still keeping OP looking after DC and there for him in future. Unless you believe in one-sided open marriages where the guy gets everything he wants at the expense of his wife and DC, indulging his crisis and letting him go off on his travels with her blessing is untenable.

This

I would absolutely end the marriage now and ask him to move out.

OMFG - he basically wants to go off and live the single life, presumably sleeping with other women throughout, and expects to then get back together with you further down the line??? Is he on glue? What an absolute selfish prick!

Whatever happens, do not continue living with this man, you will never be able to move on. The best thing you can possibly do given the circumstances is go off and live your best life, be completely fabulous while you're at it, have your own fun with new people and leave him in your dust - regretting forever that he let you go. I can't fucking believe the things I read on here sometimes. He is showing you loud and clear that he cares less about you and your children than he does about shagging around and 'finding himself' - another man child who can't see the value of what he already has!

Yep. I’d have his bags packed and ready for him.

I've heard of couples separating but still living together because they can't sell the house yet. But not selling the house and buying a new one together. That makes no sense.

Well I suppose it makes sense to him because he gets to stay mortgage free (unlike buying two smaller houses) so more money for dating and travelling, gets too live in town (easier for dating by any chance?), you are always there for the kids while he pops in and out dating and travelling and I guess you'd do the cooking, cleaning, laundry and household admin. Oh and share the bills.

And he thinks he "might" want to get back together in a few years after he's shagged his way around the world a bit having some space. But it doesn't seem to occur to him that you might not want to sit around waiting.

Fuck that shit. Tell him what's what. Sell house, buy smaller homes, claim CM, separate lives snd finances. If it looks like the kids will live mainly with you make sure you get more than 50% assets in the divorce because if he disappears abroad you might never see any CM.

Absolutely he wants (or is already having) an affair. He wants to leave you so he can have other women but also doesn't want to lose the person who does the housework and childcare. If you live together but are separated, he can be a single man, free to sleep around but also have his unpaid maid/childminder at home.

Don't do this, a world of pain and misery awaits you.