Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

So I was just passing the hall window. He thought we were away but we'd come home and he didn't realise. Hes sitting in his car messaging someone on Snapchat. Didn't realise people in their 40s still use Snapchat. Wonder who hes messaging?

Thanks for all the comments. Im not agreeing to anything for the moment. I feel like im living in the twilight zone.

Mid life crisis. Tell him to f off. He can't have the single life and live with his family.
Some therapy may help him see sense but snap chatting a 24 year old is serious ICK.

I'm really sorry. I think you know what's going on but it's so painful to accept. The longer you bury your head in the sand, the harder it's going to be. But I'm so, so sorry for you, it's an absolutely heartbreaking situation to be in.

Why is he making all of the decisions for your life?

Apart from his demands being unreasonable and unrealistic, he is being cruel to you. He's keeping you dangling on a string, esp with the comment of perhaps getting back together because he knows you love him. It really is cruel.

You're worth much much more than that, he is not taking any of your feelings into account and that won't change going forward, it will probably get worse because giving into his demands, he will push you further because he got away with it.

If he wants a divorce, then give him a divorce and please, dust yourself down and move on. I promise you'll be happier in the long run, just going to be hard for a while. Take care OP.

And this is not a midlife crisis. It's not like he's bought a sports car. He's just having an affair and wants more freedom so he can continue. If you pretend it's a midlife crisis, you might try to help him. He doesn't want your help, he just wants to sleep around. Being sympathetic will only prolong your pain.

Tell him he can absolutely travel to South America and China for half the week! Then it's Daddy duty for the other half! Win, win lol. He's a nutter.

This man is just a bog standard exploitative selfish prick kind of man.

You don't want to be with a man like that, do you? Picking up his pants to facilitate his self-actualisation? Ugh.

What's the point in selling your house to move into town? What's the rationale behind that, buying 2 houses next to each other is also mad. ,I'd be talking to,a solicitor, getting all my paperwork in order, let him fuck off around the world, stay in the house if you want to, he contributes to the maintenance and kids and divorce him. Why did he think you were away?

So you sell the current hoyse. You buy one in town and he lives there. He goes off travelling abd soends £10s of thousands. Comes back. You get divorced, he will be able to claim on your property.

Bugger that, get divorced.

I agree with previous posters. He wants to stil live with you, have his washing done, food provided, while he lives the life of a single man.

Don’t fall for it, and why wait to buy two houses? Take him at his word and separate. Separate means ‘not together’, so take him at his word, and separate.

Do you jointly own the house and finances, don't just leave without legal advice

You’re not passive in this. What do you want? Hopefully not accepting the crumbs this man is offering to throw your way

This.

Hard no. If he wants to separate, he does 50 per cent of the childcare. Separately.

If he takes trips and it means it happens in bulks, maybe he does 4 weeks of the summer holiday to compensate? How does he like that suggestion? Hmm, thought not.

If he wants to fuck off entirely then he pays A LOT financially for his absence

if you can not then I’d strongly advise against it op, myself and dh went through avoiding each other at home, we barely spoke, I’d be upset at times but he was indifferent and we were trying to hide it from the kids who were miserable sensing the tension. It doesn’t give a good example to the kids and you’re literally torturing yourself daily wishing he’d make any show of any sort of affection

This is just vile.

He wants to travel and have fun while you keep house and look after his kids. He will come home to you, like a Comfy pair of slippers when he needs a break, then take off again whenever he fancies.

The disrespect is off the scale.

I don’t actually know how he has suggested this with a straight face.

Fuck him off and take him to the cleaners

@PrincessCalley He has decided that he's in his twenties like his New friends. He basically wants you to be HIS mum as well ; cooking; cleaning, laundry while he lives like a bachelor. Not happening I hope!

As previously mentioned, get your financial ducks in a row, see a good solicitor. He could blow thousands then reappear and claim half of your assets. Sod that. CF.

A Victoria sandwich with a packed lunch.

Kindly, your marriage is over. Contact a solicitor and find out what needs to be done to protect you and the kids. All the best x

He does have someone else OP, or at least is in the process of, or wants. You know this really, you’re in denial, understandably. Forget everything he’s saying for how he wants it to be, he can fuck off with his demands. Think of only yourself and your dc and what is best for you all, not him and what he wants or thinks is best. As others have said, contact a solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling.

You need to think about what is best for you and the kids. He's driving everything with no thought for you or the children. Don't move unless you want to, placating him isn't going to make him change his mind. He wants to have his cake and eat it, live like a single man, and everything that allows, while you take care of his kids. You don't need to placidly go along with everything he wants.

So he wants you to move; he wants to go off travelling but have wifey-not-wifey to come home to, and someone to take care of the kids without the annoyance of going through a divorce/agreeing contact times/actually having to take care of his own DC. OP, just no. Don’t go in for such an arrangement that is doomed from the outset. What’s in it for you, OP, having your DH as some sort of lodger who thinks he can come and go as he will? Will he still expect you to cook and clean and iron for him as well? What happens before your DC leave home if he meets someone else, or you do? Are you both going to be OK with being married to one person and living in the same house with them, while seeing someone else? You, OP, need to decide what you want - but your DH does not seem to understand how marriage works, and what it’s all about, and he certainly doesn’t get to change things all on his terms. You don’t get to take a sabbatical from married life, which is what he seems to want. My advice would be to see a solicitor - you are quite right when you say, “the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me.” The situation needs to be resolved, and as he has, apparently, checked out of your marriage, find out what you need to do next and how you can get the best possible arrangement for yourself and the DC. Someone has to stand up for the DC’s interests, and it’s clearly not him.

This. Absolutely fucking not! Do NOT agree to this.