Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

Ive asked him about the travelling. So its now when the kids are grown up. So sort of a red herring in that who knows if we could do it together or if he wanted to do it alone. So thats off the table for now.

He says its more about me putting my parents ahead of him (we do live very close to them and as a daughter I will definitely admit to them thinking they have more of a say than they should) so I can see his points somewhat.

But he never spoke up and let me know how he felt.

That's not what he told you originally is it? Sounds to me like he is backtracking and blaming something else.

Don't let him gaslight you into thinking your relationship with your parents is to blame. He's the one that decided to split and sprung it on you. You'll need your parents more than ever now, don't let him alienate them. What a tosser.

He's done the math, is backtracking and making out that this was your fault and a plea from him.

Bullshit.
This is all about the math.
Don't be fooled.
He was going when he thought he could.

Your parents being too involved in your life could be a part of it but wouldn't you have known this by now? Presumably there would have been many many fights and tension about them. He wouldn't have just withdrawn and you not have a clue why I don't think. Why wouldn't he have said anything at all? There might be a glimmer of truth but I doubt it's the full story.
Often when someone wants to break up with you for whatever reason they will start pulling at strands and blaming obscure things from way back. Anything rather than be honest. They have to make you the bad guy in some way. He's putting the blame back onto you OP. This is pretty classic stuff. Be wary.

I agree with this. Blaming you for.a him-problem and attempting to cut you off from people who wil have your back and give you advise that undermines what he wants.

He says its more about me putting my parents ahead of him (we do live very close to them and as a daughter I will definitely admit to them thinking they have more of a say than they should) so I can see his points somewhat.

But he never spoke up and let me know how he felt

@PrincessCalley

So, is he trying to backtrack on leaving now by blaming his wanting to leave on your parents?

Be very wary. He may have realized that he wouldn't have the 'nomad life' he wanted and figures he better stick around where he has someone to do the things he would have had to do as a single parent. You want someone who wants to be an equal partner, not someone who wants you to carry their load as well as your own.

Oh OP he’s just sounding worse! He’s backtracking on what he’s said to save face and stop the mess he’s got himself into. He’s gaslighting you. Stay strong, do what you need to do to be able to leave comfortably and fairly, and divorce.

This is gaslighting and misdirection. Many a MNetter here has walked this foggy path, op.

If it wasn't your parents, you could substitute any noun of your (his!) choosing

Men: "You put the baby/your career/yourself/a hobby you did once 7 years ago ahead of me wah wah I fell dick first into a girl at the gym to find myself I need you to wait while I see what my options are poor me I'm having a breakdown"*

*People do have genuine breakdowns. People with genuine breakdowns don't generally have them at the gym with a 24 yo gym buddy on SM.

Very important that OP brings this right back to the original conversation and not allow him to move from it one bit.

"You ended our marriage 6 weeks ago because you want to go to travelling to America or China onnyour own".

When he tries to move it from this keep bring ing it back.
Don't allow him to change his reason because he has kept giving it more thought.

Keep referring back to his ending 6 weeks ago and for travelling.

"Since then you have mentioned other things, but as far as I am concerned our marriage ended 6 weeks ago because you plan on traveling".

It suits him now to move it to some other reason but you can keep it on the travelling.

Make sure you tell people that HE ended the marriage to go travelling.
That he has now said something else is neither here nor there.

He doesn't get to control the narrative.

He has come to the conclusion that staying in a "living together but not together" is a scenario that will suit him best.

He travels, you carry on doing everything.
He's a joke.

Steel your back and be very firm.
HE ended the marriage and go for divorce.

Are your kids girls or boys?

Girls

Then he only needs a two bedroom place - he won't do 50% it's all talk for the maintenance. Don't live with him, it will destroy you.

Did he by any chance put his ideas in writing?

@PrincessCalley

This. With bells on!!

He doesn’t get to yank you about like that.

Make him follow through or he’ll likely yank you about some more later on.

Marian Keyes wrote a novel about this. The man was just looking for freedom to shag other women. Stuff that, get rid and make a good life for yourself.