Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

So he is looking at money.
This is not about the children and whats best for them, but about his finances.
He sounds quite capable of going for 50/50 and then changing things after the divorce where he probably thinks you would just take the children anyway and he gets away with it.

You need to look carefully at what he was saying about travelling, and now saying 50/50 with the children.

He cannot do both.
What has changed?

Most likely the math has changed his mind and he thinks this is his best strategy.

How much does he do and how much has he done for them?

Only recently he wanted to fxxk off travelling, so what is it that has changed, or more likely what has changed his mind.....money and getting as much as he can in any divorce.

Get what he can and dumpbthe kids on you later. Most he'll get caught for is minimum CM.

He will have walked away with half of the assets.

You need to realise that he is so so far ahead of you.

So, he wants 50/50 but also wants to go off travelling, how's that going to work?

Also, as @Silverbirchleaf says, your children are old enough to have a say regarding contact so it's unlikely to happen.

How can he have the kids 50/50 when he plans to do long term travel?

He wants to not pay child support at all while he dumps you with the kids.

Think of him like private equity. He's going to take what he can extract from your marriage and he doesn't care about who that would hurt or his responsibilities or anything. He's gotten legal advice as to how to get the best financial position he can. Monday, you can find out how to maximize your financial position and everything else in a divorce. Your kids are over 10, one's a teen, and a court will listen to at least your older one's wishes. Even if he was an involved parent before, he sounds so volatile and delusional I wouldn't count on him being a good parent now.

He wants to not pay you anything. I’d point out he has to do the 50/50 and do everything for them otherwise you will get it reassessed. If it’s not what the children one it’s pointless anyway.
He also can’t do Sunday to Wednesday and then pop off to South American for 3 days.

Yeah, the 50/50 is all about not paying CMS. He has to explain to the judge how that is going to happen while he travels around the world. Pathetic twat.

10000pc this. Hence the sudden awakening of his fatherhood notions and paternal obligations.

He's had a bit of a Google and realised a chunk would be going out of his salary and ofc he wants a split 50/50 of the time now.

A 50/50 would also have agreed holidays, so id
ask him if he’s giving up the idea of travelling or if 2 weeks each summer is enough.

@PrincessCalley

I agree w/PPs. It's practically 'de rigueur' these days for men to say they want 50/50 when they've never done 50% in their lives. It's all because if it's court ordered then they don't have to pay maintenance. And if they aren't living up to the order you end up going back to court or trying to go through CMS. So when you see your solicitor let them know approximately how much you do and how much he does on a day to day basis. It may be helpful later on.

The US state I live in bases child support on the income of each parent not the amount of time the child spends with each. The basis being that the child shouldn't experience a decrease in their lifestyle due to the parent's divorce. We had a friend who despite it actually being a true 50/50 split, still paid support because his income was much higher than his ex-wife's. It allowed her to continue providing the same standard of living in her home as in their father's home.

Yet another man going through a mid-life crisis...

He sounds like he lives in cuckoo land - does he know my husband by any chance? He is hanging there as well the last year or so.

My lovely husband initially suggested that we get divorced and I keep whatever is in my name while he keeps whatever is in his name (400k vs 1mil). He also suggested that we should keep the house in both names and live together because it makes sense financially and for us to be able to see the children 100% of the time. He didn't like my "hell, no!" so he tried to backtrack and try to work on the relationship, or pretend he does for the last 9 months. Then he wanted to stay married for financial reasons but with him being able to fuck around to satisfy his needs... You can totally imagine what I said to this 😡

Today he got an offer to sell his precious sports car because it finally registered that he will be moving into a flat on a shady part of the town and he doesn't want to park it off street.... I have rejected for the millionth time to cohabitate post divorce; I couldn't care less about his contributions to my living costs. Can't put a price on freedom, can you?!

Sending you a hug and wishing you the best!!

The travelling thing seems to have disappeared now. No mention of it since it was put on the table in his leaving speech.

Oh and when it comes to parenting...I do 95 to 99% of it as it stands. Plus I pay for most of their stuff also. Paying maintenance for them never entered his head until I brought it up. So im assuming you're all correct and this is where the 50/50 came from.

This is where you get your receipts that show clearly his level of involvement, and his lack of contribution to their costs.

You need to get very organised.
Start a text paper trail about his wish to go away travelling.
Ask how he plans to be 50/50.

He has clearly taken advice on how to avoid paying for his children and extracting as much as possible for housing them.

Is it likely that they will consider going with him.

You need to have thought this stuff out.
Get your proof of what you spend.
Have it there for the solicitors appointment.

Ha...are we married to the same person??? That's almost the exact same as what mine wants?! Now that hes realised we can't afford to buy a 2nd property.

I forgot to mention that one of the options he presented to me is keep our current house and buy a second one of the same size and spec that he can live in with each one of us being responsible for our costs/maintenance, etc. This was driven by the fact that he cannot buy me out, and he does not have a good mortgage capacity because he is a contractor.

All these were supposedly suggested because he cares about me and the kids and is thinking about our financial benefits.

From my point of view he just wants to maintain the same standard of living and he wants me to provide flexibility and my maid/childminder services while he focuses on his very important job. He is also very happy for me to keep contributing 50% of our living costs as I have been doing while earning half of what he does for most of our time together (what a mug I have been!)....

He also very recently started doing more with regards to the children, but certainly not 50% because he still doesn't grasp all the mental load. Apparently I had to "delegate" responsibilities to him over the years, and since I didn't, he didn't think that I needed "help". Kids need breakfast, lunch and dinner every day mate; you can't see that?! I am personally looking forward to the 50-50 with the children. It's about time I get a bit of rest once in a while and he sees how much has to be planned and executed on a weekly basis. I have travelled the world with them, at my own expense for years because he couldn't be bothered to join us because of work 😎

So essentially he's had a good lifestyle funded by me, a ton of free time, 1/10th of the responsibilities compared to me (I also have a very demanding full time job!), but he is the one who is going through a mid-life crisis??? Get a grip man....

So what is he proposing in terms of living arrangements then, if you're not going to sell up and buy two places? Rent somewhere or is he still on the cohabiting idea?

This sounds so so similar to my situation!!!

Everything is on pause now. Id say cohabiting is on the cards now that the stark financial reality is dawning on him. However, I dont want him here. So not sure how that will play out

Another poster is on thread 4 about her divorce after her husband decided marriage wasnt for him. He rarely parented their 4 children but wants 50/50 - he's roped his mother in to help on some of his days.
Let me get the link to the most recent thread and then you can read back to the start.
The poster is doing amazingly considering the end of her marriage came out of the blue and her husband wants everything his own way.

Here you go - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5572870-there-we-are-then-part-4-but-episode-278946-probably

Ugh, @PrincessCalley, I'm not surprised that you want him to leave, he's so full of BS. Not a thought about his children's welfare. 😡

Just had a quick look at that thread. I wish I was 5 months on. Ive to go back to work next week now too so that'll be fun. Gotta get my sh1t in order.

If you can go back to her first thread as honestly she was as broken as you are and completely blindsided. He didnt move out for 3 months which just causes unnecessary pain.
But time has healed her and made her stronger.

What shit have you got to get in order?
Can you break everything down into smaller steps so you aren't as overwhelmed?

I like your state's approach.

I bet he only wants the kids to save himself paying child support.

Stay strong. You'll feel better once you get legal advice and can start to plan. If you read the other posters thread she was devastated but is now doing so much better. You've got this x