Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

This is highly likely a mid life crisis.

He thinks he is so clever, moving you all around like chess pieces to best facilitate his plans.

Get divorced quickly before he shafts you financially.
Round up copies of every account, pension etc.,

Do it quickly.
He has been planning this for a while and 100% has his eyes of a new conquest.

Do you think he's having an affair? You might want to get full STI testing if that's a possibility and use protection if you have sex with him.

Joni Mitchell from “Don‘t interrupt the sorrow” - “ Hissing of Summer Lawns” -

He don’t let up the Sorrow
He lie and he cheats
It takes a heart like Mary’s these day when your man gets weak

Isn't it bizarre that the selfish notions of men approaching middle aged don't change at all whatever decade we are in? There's a lot of what he wants and expects in this post and not nearly enough of what you want or need and would like your life to look like without him. He wants the option to come home again when and if his midlife crisis world tour doesn't work out like he wants. That's not how this works. He can have a fair and amicable divorce as he wants but everything else in your life after has nothing to do with him (except children's needs). It would be very unsettling and difficult for you and your children to have this ridiculous manchild drifting in and out of your home on a whim like a 1970s rock star for the rest of your lives, you can survive this and build a happy life without giving in to all these silly demands of his.

OP - get legal advice. While he’s being nice, get together details of wages, savings, house value etc. don’t forget pension pot as well.

I have seen this before, until the new woman is locked in as an option, they want effectively an open marriage. They want to keep the finances intact, the free childcare and flexibility of marriage. But the nice guy act tends to disappear once the new lady is secured.

Speak to a solicitor, work out what you can expect to get. Start divorce proceedings before he books a £20k trip to find himself.

Yeah he’s definitely wanting to follow other options, women as well as travel. But to keep you dangling in case it doesn’t work.

Why on earth would you want to live with him but be separated? What’s in for you apart from it being cheaper to run one house?

Is he thinking you’ll do the cooking and cleaning while he flirts his way round the gym and goes travelling?

what if you want to date again? Bit awkward if you’re still living together. Can’t see another bloke being up for that. So you’re limiting your future if you do this. Plus he might bring a 24yo back and be shagging her in the next bedroom. No thanks.

why would you need 900k for two houses? You must be able to find houses cheaper than 450k each unless you’re in central London?? People downsize when they get divorced. My mum went from a big 4 bed detached to a 2 bed bungalow and my dad ended up in a 2 bed terrace.

Please please get legal advice and divorce him now. Otherwise he will go travelling- paid for out of joint assets, then come back and if you then get divorced you’ve paid half for his travels.
If he can fund travel out of his share of the asset split after divorce then ok he can go and do whatever he wants, seems convenient he wants to do it now while it’s jointly funded and while you’re on hand for childcare doesn’t it?

Ask him how he is going to go travelling if you are as good as separated as he will have 50 50 with the children and you are not his free childcare for his 50% time with his children.

Does he honestly think this is a good idea and that you will agree to it? Bet he’s selling it to you as ‘best for the kids’ when actually it’s ’best for him’.

Next time he mentions it is laugh and say yes in your dreams.

The selfishness of people never ceases to amaze me.
Do not fall for him selling this awful idea to you.

He's done a real number on you hasn't he? So mch good advice on here all saying the same thing. Ignore his delusions and playing around. He doesn't have your best interests at heart so (although it's painful) it's time for you to start focusing on you and your children. If you let him, he'll keep you dangling for years.
Talk to friends / family.
Take some legal advice
Do what you need to do to stop focussing on why he's treatijg you so abysmally and start making plans to get yourself out of all this.

Good luck. You deserve better than this manchild.

Ridiculous and unworkable.

Has he asked what you want?

Travelling indeed!!

When my friend and her husband split, they bought a three storey house and she had a bedroom on the top floor, the kitchen and kids bedrooms where on the middle level and the exhubby had a bedroom and kitchenette on the bottom floor. It meant they both could see the kids / do childcare etc. Worked so well eventually her boyfriend moved in and all were happy but its not for everyone.

If you can agree the marriage is done, if you can both accept new partners, , and if there is no abuse/arguments, and can just treat other with respect, with no ructions from either of you , it can work.

But, it’s hard.

It reminds me of the fantasy that Boris Johnson sold to the mug voters, leaving EU, not having to confirm to standards or pay membership, and keeping all the benefits.

Cakeism is not reality.

He can get a flat. If he’s going to be away so much he doesn’t need much space, not like the children will be staying there much.
I’d get some paperwork together, some legal advice and start getting him to move out.

Weirdly… I am reading Tess, just passed the part of Angel Clare headed
to a new life in SA (Brazil) to escape a moral crisis due to Tess’s confession,
leaving on their wedding night.
He only returns as he has been very ill and his new life came to naught -
too late of course

Not a rare breed at all then, just another morally conflicted, selfish fool

He has had his head turned.

He wants you twiddling your thumbs in limbo , raising his kids and looking after the household in case it doesn't work out and he wants to come back .

File for divorce ASAP.

Okay so I've read all your messages. Firstly we'd need almost 900k because anything new or almost new is around 375k(for a house that needs work) or up to 450k for a new 3/4bed semi d. I live in ROI and id be moving to my local town which is a commuter town for Dublin so house prices are crazy. Honestly id be happy to move. Our house is almost 3000square foot with gardens etc so its a lot of work for one person. Ive been managing it all for a while as he has checked out the last year and I've just had enough. So would be happy to move. But I have asked what happens when the kids move out (go to college etc) this is where the 2 houses come in. I wont move again when it would become just the 2 of us in the house.

In relation to him travelling, I know itll never happen. He wont give up his job so not sure how he could. Also in relation to finances I okay that way. Ive a good job but would have to cut back if I ended up living on my own but should be fine. I've my own pension (both public and private) and we dont share savings etc. Ive no access to his accounts though.

We have to apply for retention for the house due to changing the roof when we built originally. So moving would be at least one year away. No panic.

I dont cook/clean/iron for him. He does that himself and I am just looking after myself and the kids. Im also going in peri menopause so am struggling to keep on top of everything. But ill keep going. Ive no choice. The kids need me.

Play this well. He can burn through is part of the sale and you can have a clean break and build for your sensible future. And as it looks like he’s going to be finding himself for a large part of his future you can say great you take the kids for the majority of the holidays and I’ll take them for the terms time. Make it so you can advance in your career and not be default holiday childcare.

This

He wants to be single with maid and childcare service

Fuck him

What do YOU want?

I'd suggest a clean break, personally.

I think you should shock him into reality. Tell him you are moving into a rented house, he will need to have the kids half the week and seeing a solicitor to arrange dividing assets.
I actually think you should do all these things, take the reins in your life and stop living in limbo but even if you don't want to do it yet he needs the decisions to be taken away from him, he can't decide the future for you both.

I’m in the USA OP. But irregardless of the country I find these truths are global…
of course there’s another woman..real or imagined…his feet will never touch the floor of the jungle he will just swing from branch to branch. He absolutely wants to have sex with other women and he will.

get as much money as you are legally entitled to in the divorce…the first go round in court. Sell split divide whatever. Get as much money as you can. That’s what divorce is…money and children the only two things that matter.

make as clean break as possible. Living near each other blah blah…nope. You get the money you and dc decide where you would like to live you move to this home whilst starting over on your next phase of life.

I would expect his dc to grow distant from him and the relationship to be severely impaired. He’s dumping them too.

"There is definitely noone else involved....... He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls."

He wants to fuck the 24yr old guilt-free, and without the financial impact of divorce. Your DH is a cheating scumbag. Divorce him and properly separate. None of this living together/near each other bullshit he's proposing.

And what makes him think that he can dictate to you how things will be when you're separated? Has he always been this controlling?

Get away from this cunt.

Tell him to fuck off, then tell him to fuck off a bit further. I can't believe you are actually considering this.
He wants a cook and a cleaner and a childminder, while he lives his carefree single life and goes off on a jolly around the world.
Then once he's finished, providing he hasn't had a better offer obviously, he might consider rekindling the marriage while you've been sat waiting for him where you left you!

Good advice!

It’s not all about what he wants - his cake and eat it by the sound of it. You need physical space from this man or he’s just going to keep you dangling. Let him piss off on his travels and in the meantime, build a new life for yourself too. Get legal advice as to your entitlement.