Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

My thoughts are that he wants a live in nanny/housekeeper to take of him and his children free of charge so he can fuck of travelling when he feels like it and screw 20 something year own women without feeling guilty. All this with no additional housing costs to ensure he has the cash to fund this lifestyle.
Sorry you're going through this, please don't let him have his cake and eat it

I think he's trying to hedge his bets/ keep his options open/ have his cake & eat it.
That means that you OP end up with no options/ no cake.
I would humour him & keep him sweet while privately working everything to my advantage

Yep, this.

He’s priceless isn’t he?

So he basically wants to live with his wife and kids but have the freedom to travel at whim and shag other women.

They say God loves a Tryer.

Who plans to break up and then get back together I don’t get it

Please protect your children from him wasting his money overseas. Good lawyer now to figure out what you are owed. Do the child maintenance based on him being in China. Move if you want to and make a fresh start... Do what YOU want. He has no right yo dictate this. X

It’s time for you to wake up. He is already cheating on you. He has probably been playing around for a while. He wants to live the life of a bachelor but he wants you to live the life of a wife. I think he’s being extremely crafty. He is banking on being able to manipulate you because let’s face it he’s done pretty well so far. He’s not worried about the kids at all. Believe me. Quite frankly he sounds like an absolute arse. You MUST get legal advice. You say the house is unmortgaged well you want to keep it. You also need to know exactly what’s in his pension. You want half. He will have to maintain the children and he can also do shared care if he wants to but I will bet money he doesn’t. It’s time to get real, watch what happens when he doesn’t get his own way.

You are making assumptions about what he will and won't do based on the man you thought you knew. He is not that man any more. My XH LIVED for his job, it was part of the reason we divorced. He promptly gave up the job and went to work freelance so he didn't have to pay me any money for the children and I did not see it coming.

Your soon to be XH may well behave in ways you would never have dreamed possible.

Sounds a bit like my dad, had lots of big ideas, this that and the other was going to happen, expensive, no grounding in reality, he was both going to leave my mum and she was going to stay home (working full time as well) and look after the children. Long story short he was having a manic episode. My mum left him for our safety

But WHY would you do this Op?

Why?

If he wants to be single, let him be single.

This is wholly disrespectful of you, tbh. He isn't thinking about the kids as much as he is trying to keep his comforts while doing what he likes. That's how it looks to me.

Fuck. That.

He wants to go off all over the world on his own and single so shagging who he wants whilst you stay home and raise his kids and, when it’s all out of his system and the kids are raised, he wants to just get back together and crack on??

The audacity of men never ceases to amaze me!!

No! indeed you don’t OP - my exh tried that : the idea that I
(or his by then teen children) would want him in our tranquil
home made me feel ill.
he said we can go through the courts and you will go to prison.
I said, We are divorced, we had a Cleanbreak Settlement, you
have been living in Asia, now you are coming back for more ?!

Get off my drive! Never asked to see his children btw.
He met someone soon after and left us alone but it was tricky
for a while with him provocatively walking past our house.
These men are nuts and should not be accommodated,
indulged or pandered to in any way.

Oh op, he's trying to play you like a fiddle. Of course he wants a housekeeper etc. This is awful for you but take control. You say you don't have a mortgage so sell and buy a smaller place and he rents or something. You don't both need 4 bedders.

Living in the same place whilst he chases 24yr olds and shags other women will be torture.

It isn't a mid life crisis, there's no such thing imo it's just he's bored and wants to shag about .

He is being ridiculous and because you likely still love him you are entertaining this. Of course he wants his life to stay as settled as possible where you shoulder all the stress. Time to separate homes I would say, let him worry about how that is paid for, he’s the one that wants to separate.

How cruel, I’m really sorry.

Why would you consider moving and doing as he says, to suit him? No offence OP but you sound incredibly passive in all this. He's got you dancing to his tune, listening to all sorts of madness. Why is he dictating moving to town and in how many houses? Has he always made all the decisions with no input from you? Is he a controlling person?
You need to stop listening to him completely and start thinking only of yourself and children now. He's deluded. He's probably got someone else on the go, in his head or in his bed as they say. He is waiting until it's cemented before he will drop everything like a stone. Don't be blindsided when this happens. People change and turn incredibly nasty when new partners surface.
You should get ahead of this now and make plans now to suit you and your children. Take some control back for yourself. Make decisions for your life. What do you want in your future?

You need to wake up to the fact you two are now separated, and you do not need to think about what he wants or suggests. He chose to be a stranger. You wouldn’t listen to a random person’s advice on where and how you should live. Stop giving it precious headspace and instead focus on what will work for you and your kids. Once away from this walking midlife crisis, you will feel calm and in control again.

Two houses, leisurely sojourns abroad, mistresses? Who does he think he is, some 19th century aristocrat? Tell him to fuck off.

He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart

Oh dear.

What he's asking you for is permission to shag around as he pleases, plus go travelling for weeks on end (will he look after the kids and do the same for you I wonder, if you also want to travel)?? And then, after all that, he wants to reserve you for himself when he's bored of shagging around....until he sees someone who takes his fancy.

There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part

Maybe he's not actively doing anything with another woman, but it would surprise me if no young woman has inspired him.

He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls

As I suspected then. Why the fuck is he texting another woman a lot, who happens to be much younger than him as well eh??? What kind of pushback have you given him over that? Doesn't sound like you have much, but you should. It's a bit too late now though. He's shown himself for who he really is.

You deserve more stability and love than this.

So I was just passing the hall window. He thought we were away but we'd come home and he didn't realise. Hes sitting in his car messaging someone on Snapchat. Didn't realise people in their 40s still use Snapchat. Wonder who hes messaging

They don't really. Snapchat is mainly for late teens / early 20s, and for people who want to cheat.

He's already on his way to becoming a prize idiot. In the end OP, I think you will move on from him and feel the benefits of it, once you've passed your kids being in their mid teens especially.

Cake and eat it comes to mind, think what you want, what happens if either of you meet someone and you live together it would be a nope from me

In reality in the uk he has not obliged to see his kids at all. Even when divorced and even if a judge establishes he gets the kids 50% he can go travelling and no one will ever call him back to his responsibilities. And he won’t have to pay maintenance till the ex wife can prove he is not having them 50% for a long time. So if a man does not want to see his kids, there is really no obligation to do so in the uk. The uk law does not help the part who earns less and the main parent. Not the same in other countries luckily for them.

Oh no sunshine. You walked out on our marriage, you don't get to walk back in when you feel like it. And I'll probably be remarried in a few years anyway. To a proper grown-up.

So you are his back up plan, if none of his shags work out? He thinks you are a doormat.
Im usually all for working things out, but in this case I think not.
Tell him you want no part of the living together, because why would you want a front row seat to your husband snagging around or worse, falling in love. Would you be happy to have overnight guests of his??
Yes you are going to have a smaller house, but im sure you can get something. Time to plan a future without him. Look at areas that would suit you best. Not to be convenient for him.
He is unbelievable, expecting you to hang around.

OP, in Ireland the Legal Aid Board have a really useful mediation service. It is NOT relationship counselling, it’s helping adults BE adult about separation and how to go the right way about it. Maybe ask for an initial call with them to see if it’s helpful to you?

https://www.legalaidboard.ie/our-family-mediation-service/how-we-can-help-you/

It seems to be all about what HE wants.

He is the one who decided to end your marriage and he does not get to dictate what happens next.

Make it clear you are divorcing him, want a clean break and will in no circumstances live with him or let him call the shots.

Then get on with planning for your new life. Make decisions based on what is best for your and your kids, not what your CF of an ex wants.