Why is it seen as “wrong” on MN to want a relationship?

[Sunshine231]

I’ve noticed on threads on here that it is seen as really bad to admit to wanting a relationship. Being happy as a single person seems to be pushed as the holy grail. Why is that? Aren’t human beings biologically wired to be with someone? We are literally programmed to dislike being alone. So why is it so shamed when someone admits that they don’t like being alone?

For context I am not long out of a bad relationship and NOT looking for another relationship, before anyone jumps at me. But I can’t deny that the thought of being single forever doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. Clearly I’m wrong for feeling that way but I don’t feel like it’s a choice and maybe some people just don’t enjoy being single??

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I would’ve thought the overwhelming majority of posters would be in a relationship

Ok so if you’re a victim of abuse you then have to accept that you can never have a relationship again. That seems a bit sad and unfair.

There seems to be 2 camps. Those in these amazing wonderful relationships in which the man is perfect and never does a thing wrong, shares the mental load. Everything is 50:50 and they have never had a cross word between them. And then the others who have been in a bad relationship or multiple bad relationships and are therefore wronged for not being insanely happy to be single… it’s just an observation maybe I’m missing something

Being single (with a cat) is absolutely my holy grail but I know I’m fairly unusual in that. I was over the moon for my sister when she met her second & infinitely better DH after divorcing That Git.

I think what concerns women on here is when women are so desperate to be in relationships that they put up with anything just to avoid being on their own.

I’d say it’s fairly rare that someone would put up with anything “just” to avoid being alone. From personal experience it is often a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes while you’re being abused you cannot see a way out. Sometimes you are brainwashed. Sometimes there are financial constraints, or other practical reasons for staying. Sometimes a person’s mental health is so low that they simply can’t face leaving at that time. I appreciate your perspective though and I am quite jealous. I wish I was one of those people for whom being single with a cat was the holy grail.

Before my divorce 12 years ago I was in a 10 year relationship which got progressively worse. Finally getting up the courage to leave and not go back was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. So yes, I do know.

But once it was properly over I realised how much happier & healthier I was single.

I don't think it is seen as wrong so much, more that people are challenging the idea that it's essential, that it's the be all and end all. The world is still very much built for two - it's considered what everyone should aspire to - and single people are regarded as outliers (failures even). So that's what is being pushed back against. That's not to say it's wrong for you to want a relationship at all, and of course some people are more predisposed to feeling like they really want one than others.

It's more about it not being the best thing for kids to move a new man and his kids in. Not that it's wrong to want a relationship generally.

My opinion is that too many women accept poor behaviour or worse because they feel a failure not being in a relationship.

Single life is better than a bad or abusive one.

I think what people tend to say is along the lines of, "Make sure you're happy in yourself first before you search for a partner." I'd agree with that, but only because of my experience of getting it wrong! My 20s were a disaster, and not in a fun way. I'm now 59 (M) and just about getting the hang of things.

"Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards."

Isn’t that because human beings are not meant to be alone though. In terms of evolution etc., our brains just aren’t wired that way. Is that not why the world is set up for people being a “two”? For me personally thinking about being single forever (and I realise it’s really quite likely that I might have to) feels “abnormal” like I’m pushing myself to want something that in reality feels totally alien. Maybe I just haven’t been single long enough to reach full acceptance. Although I’ve spent prolonged periods of adult life being single (I mean 10 years plus) and I can’t say I ever very much enjoyed it

I’ve been on both sides I was single for years and then had 2 relationships back to back very quickly. I know people judge me, it was a timing thing. I was over one man and got under a new one quite rapidly. For me it wasn’t a fear of being single I just really liked him!

But yes, generally speaking if you don’t know how to make yourself happy it’s a risk you won’t have a happy relationship because if you are looking for someone to fill a gap in your life or compensate for low self esteem, it can lead to making bad choices in a partner and staying in something you shouldn’t. Fear of being alone is very real, in reality it’s not that bad but people put their self worth onto their partner sometimes so feel like they need someone else’s attention to make them feel good about themselves.

Yes I think it’s ok to want a partner but at the same time, know you can survive without one. It’s not as fun or fulfilling for some people but I feel like single life gave me a set of skills and learning about myself I didn’t have before, and that makes me a better partner now

It doesn’t matter what you post on here, the MN narrative is always always to leave him! I’ve noticed this isn’t always the same when a man posts, but I think that happens less.

I agree with you.

I know this sounds contradictory but I feel a level of comfort with being single is vital if you're going to have a healthy relationship. Because otherwise you're at risk of compromising far too easily and getting into an unhealthy level of dependency. So it's not that it's wrong to want a relationship, but if you want it too much that can be problematic.

I know, I posted on here about my partner once when we first got together and I was figuring him out, every single person said dump him. I didn’t but it really messed with me for weeks, I had to come off the app for a while and stop reading stuff and everything got a lot easier and we have a great relationship now that’s going fine

It's not. Most people want to be in a relationship, though understandably, some people who have been in a bad one choose to stay single after.

We might be thinking of different posts - you might be coming across posts by misogynists who think women should never date again as they are "damaged" or some shit like that.

But I think when it comes from a positive place, it's about saying find a place where you are genuinely happy and content to be on your own. Don't look for a relationship to complete you. If you are only miserable single, then it's much too easy to settle for a crap relationship which will ultimately drag you down and cause you more unhappiness in the long run.

OTOH if you start from a stable position where being single is OK and you are happy, then you'll have much higher baseline standards for a relationship and it will be better long term, because you'll only stay with someone who is genuinely an improvement to your life, rather than feeling trapped and miserable because being single would be even worse.

Isn’t that because human beings are not meant to be alone though. In terms of evolution etc., our brains just aren’t wired that way.

Plenty of MNers would say the same about having kids. But for some of us, even if it’s not common, our brains are wired that way. I love spending time with friends & family, but don’t understand how anyone can bear to have someone else living in their home with them. And yet I know most people like it.

I would have thought the whole ‘human beings not meant to be alone’ thing is more in relation to the wider community than just a romantic partner.

We are social creatures, but that social support system can come from immediate family, friends, neighbours etc. not just a partner.

Using evolution as an argument for long term coupledom/monogamy is a stretch. As per evolution humans are probably set up to pair bond for a few years while the babies are young and then move on to new partners. There's a reason people tend to get more sexually excited by a new partner than a long term one.

We are not “literally programmed to dislike being alone “. Who told you that bullshit?

I have been married and divorced twice. Both relationships lasted over ten years each. I know I am far happier living alone than I am living with a romantic partner.

It is just a personal preference. It doesn’t make me a sociopath. I don’t think other people are wrong for enjoying being coupled up.

You seem astounded that other people might be genuinely happy living differently to you. Maybe you should open your mind?

Love your username!

Isn’t that because human beings are not meant to be alone though. In terms of evolution etc., our brains just aren’t wired that way

Single people aren't necessarily alone - they have families and strong friendships - being in a relationship isn't the only way to meet that need.
I agree with whoever said it's pushback against the idea that being single is inferior to having a partner. It's just different, some people enjoy being single (inc. me) and some want a relationship. Neither is better just a matter of preference.