Why is it seen as “wrong” on MN to want a relationship?

[Sunshine231]

I’ve noticed on threads on here that it is seen as really bad to admit to wanting a relationship. Being happy as a single person seems to be pushed as the holy grail. Why is that? Aren’t human beings biologically wired to be with someone? We are literally programmed to dislike being alone. So why is it so shamed when someone admits that they don’t like being alone?

For context I am not long out of a bad relationship and NOT looking for another relationship, before anyone jumps at me. But I can’t deny that the thought of being single forever doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. Clearly I’m wrong for feeling that way but I don’t feel like it’s a choice and maybe some people just don’t enjoy being single??

This sounds very lovely and you sound sensible ))

You’re conflating not being in a relationship with being lonely. I am single but I am not lonely, I don’t think I have ever felt loneliness as in the latter stages of my last relationship . I am an introvert and being in a relationship was comfortable, to the point that I hid in it for a long time. I have been single for coming on two decades and the quality of my platonic relationships has increased exponentially. I love and loved being a single parent

I have been on MN a little shorter than I have been single and I see MN disputing that non platonic relationships are the holy grail, that’s not the same as saying that single is better.

If you hate being single that’s ok but your suggestion that enjoying being single is somehow against nature, is just silly.

Kids, especially teens, never like being uprooted but sometimes, for career or financial or school reasons it's necessary in ways that they cannot always appreciate at the time. But at least they are still with both parents, or their sole parent and moving for reasons that benefit them and the family, not just because one parent is chasing a new relationship which may not even last. That's the difference.

Being lumbered with step parents and step siblings you don't like and didn't ask for can cause lifelong trauma. Especially when you are expected to live with them full time and no-one ever asks how you feel about it. Or if they do, they are only going through the motions of asking, so they can say they were not selfish and approached it 'responsibly.' But actually, they are going to dismiss how you feel as 'silly' and ignore it regardless of how you say you feel. As I said, sometimes it works out fine, but often it doesn't.

My stepsister absolutely adored my dad. Of course she did. He was charming to her. She never knew her real dad . She was crying out for a daddy figure to attach herself to. My dad always had commitment and responsibility issues and was a lousy, flaky, largely absent father in the same way that he was a lousy, flaky, largely absent husband. But he was a charming and persuasive adulterer and I think he applied the same qualities to step-parenting. It was easy to be a great stepdad because it didn't come with much expectation or responsibility, unlike being a real dad.

I swear my stepsister actually had what amounted to a crush on my dad, who came into her life when I was 7 and she was 8. He could do no wrong in her eyes. He was a much better father to her than he ever was to us and she got the best of him. My stepmother made sure of that. To us it always seemed that he treated her like a little princess. My siblings and I saw that and felt it deeply. We had to watch her calling him dad and draping herself all over him, when we only had very sporadic contact and didn't feel comfortable with draping ourselves over him because he always seemed more like a distant uncle than a dad. It didn't feel normal or natural. It damaged us. Our stepsister wasn't all bad, she just had the bad luck to have a grabby, manipulative bitch of a mother who was on the lookout for a meal ticket and got herself 'accidentally' knocked up at the very first opportunity, before my mum (and we) even learned of her existence. In fact if she hadn't got PG the affair may have fizzled out and my dad would have probably moved on to the next girl in the next port, as was his way. But she made absolutely sure my mum found out about her. She wasn't going to leave it to chance or wait for him to leave of his own accord. She knew what she wanted and she made sure she got it.

You see, this is the same family, the same kids involved but with very different memories of how it felt to be part of that blended family. You could listen to my stepsister and think it was all easy and wonderful. Well it was. For her.

It sounds like your stepmum made caring for the children appropriately a condition of their relationship and your mum didnt. Whether he faked it or not, he had to be that man to your SS or he couldn't be with their mother. From the outside, it can look like your SM just had higher standards.

Either way, my friend's daughter feels no connection to her parents due to them uprooting her. She now lives in a hostel in London because she was so desperate to move back

Obviously I don't know the family but isn't moving to buy a home a good thing in the long run? Renting especially in London is ridiculous and you are at the mercy of landlords who may sell up at any time.

I don't see that your friend and her husband moving to be able to give their kids the security of a home they own and which I imagine they will inherit one day is such a terrible crime.

There are at least two ways looking at it. For the teenage girl, knowing that she might inherit a house in 50 years is no consolation for what is happening right now as she is trying to figure herself out and build her life. The lack of opportunities in the area they moved to vs London was very evident. Public transport is patchy to say the least. And trying to make new friends in the middle of secondary school isn't easy for everyone.

But I’m not dreaming of that 🤣 I said I personally feel I am happier in a relationship. Not that I expect a relationship will suddenly make me happy. And I personally am not dreaming of meeting anyone at all. But I don’t see what is wrong with people saying they are 🤷‍♀️

Oh I think it’s definitely looked down on to not have made a success of your first marriage and / or relationship with your kids other biological parent. But I get the sense that even worse than that is if you’re single after not making a success of your relationship with your kids other biological parent and then mention wanting to date again or starting a new relationship. Those people seem to be told they should just be happy being single and that’s the part I don’t get. Like because you made a mistake you should then just be instantly happy to be single forever. I agree that some people maybe should remain single, for the kids sake. But the part I don’t is get is how people push it as if it’s some magical wonderful joyful experience which should bring you so much happiness. I can’t be the only person who thinks it just isn’t like that 🤷‍♀️

You seem very much on the side of the girl but not her parents, one of whom you said was your friend.
I still think it's perfectly reasonable for parents to want to move out of London to buy a house and giving children that stability is a good thing.

I get the daughter was upset and it wasn't ideal for her but to cut your parents off for that decision seems very OTT and something she will probably regret later on.

Yeah, I said at the time that I'd never want to live there, especially as a teenager, and nor would have their mum who grew up around the same area I did with the amenities that we had.

Exactly.

I think it’s far more that people are saying enjoy being single first before going all out to find a partner. And try and see the positives of being single. After all what’s the point in making yourself miserable. If there are any people preaching about being single and saying it’s the only healthy lifestyle it’s rare.

Personally I think good relationships are better than no relationships. BUT I can’t see me ever meeting my person now I’m in my 60s and bruised. In any case I would take some time on my own before even considering meeting someone.

Most of us here are, or have been, in a relationship. It's quite normal to want one. When I was younger I definitely would, now I'm old it's different, couldn't be bothered..

It is a good idea to make the most of being single, it does have many advantages and people who are content with single status are definitely attractive :). However nobody would suggest people stay single forever.

I’d have resented my parents so much had they uprooted me away from my friends as a teenager. I think it’s selfish to not wait until they can at least drive.

Parents have to acknowledge their actions have consequences, and what is exciting for them isn’t always what’s best for their children at the time.

My stepchildren have a strained and distant relationship with their mother due to some of her more selfish choices when they were younger.

Exactly. People are free to make that decision, nobody can stop them, but they certainly shouldn’t be pretending it is for the benefit of the children or that it’s likely to be even neutral for them: the effects are overwhelming negative overall and if it happens not to be in one specific case that is simply luck (obviously there are outliers, but that’s quite a gamble given you cannot possibly know the effects in advance even if you take sensible precautions and don’t introduce new partners quickly etc).

I don’t know why anybody would take the risk of doing something which is evidenced to be highly likely to have significantly worse outcomes for their child(ren), especially when it’s perfectly possible to have a new relationship if you wish to without moving in with somebody. Yet as you say many people do, and a significant proportion it seems won’t even own the fact that they have made this decision for their own benefit despite the risks to their children and seem to be determined that the huge body of research on this is all incorrect. You are right about the defensiveness and I think it must come from guilt.

I’m not surprised she feels thatway given what you’ve described. That is an appalling age at which to decide to move a child to a new area away from everything and everyone they know and a good parent would not do that unless there was literally no possible alternative, if they were prioritising the child as they should be.

I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking to read and so typical unfortunately of the accounts of children jn blended families, even where there isn’t abuse. It’s extremely damaging especially during the crucial developmental years where children need to feel absolutely secure in their family and home in order to develop without trauma/ rejection/ attachment issues etc so that they are able themselves to develop normal, healthy relationships as adults. The damage done by this kind of thing is lifelong and can ripple across the generations.

Exactly. They could have waited a couple more years and then bought a house. The decision demonstrates a dismissive approach to her needs at the time, minimising these because they would be less important to an adult. But she was not an adult. Nowhere near as harmful on average as having step parents/ a blended family, but highly likely to have a negative impact on her nonetheless so either they are so clueless they “didn’t realise” this or, they knew but didn’t care. Either way, not good parenting because they made a decision which was obviously likely to have a severely negative impact on their child given her age and prioritised what was best for them over a small delay (in adult terms) for her wellbeing. It just doesn’t seem to get through to some people that if you decide to have children you need to be prepared to put their needs above your own for at least the next 18 years. That doesn’t mean being a martyr and having nothing for yourself, but it means putting them first and choosing not to do anything which is likely to have very negative impacts on them.

Hard disagree that it is always a bad thing to have a step-parent.
My now husband was the only other man (except their bio father) they ever met.
I chose not to date men with their own children as didn't want to blend families.
They finally learned (through seeing it) what a healthy and respectful marriage looks like, that women are equal to men, that men can express emotions without being "effeminate"... the list goes on.