Why is it seen as “wrong” on MN to want a relationship?

[Sunshine231]

I’ve noticed on threads on here that it is seen as really bad to admit to wanting a relationship. Being happy as a single person seems to be pushed as the holy grail. Why is that? Aren’t human beings biologically wired to be with someone? We are literally programmed to dislike being alone. So why is it so shamed when someone admits that they don’t like being alone?

For context I am not long out of a bad relationship and NOT looking for another relationship, before anyone jumps at me. But I can’t deny that the thought of being single forever doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. Clearly I’m wrong for feeling that way but I don’t feel like it’s a choice and maybe some people just don’t enjoy being single??

I agree @Sunshine231 Some posts smack of The Lady Doth Protest Too Much. The absolutely insistence that they're super happy single (from some posters) is a bit odd IMO. If they are soooo happy, they shouldn't feel the need to go on about it. I have seen numerous threads on here about how certain posters LOVE being single. Some actually even titled 'I LOVE being single!' I'm like 'errrr, OK, good for you hun.' Imagine if someone started a thread saying 'I am SOOOOO glad I am married. I LOVE having a husband!' They would be torn to shreds.

I never feel the need to start a thread banging on about how happy I am to have a man to share my life with, and my dreams and adventures, and my laughter and tears, and how super lovely it is to be married, so why go on about how wonderful it is to be single? Bit weird.

And whilst I know some marriages are not great, and the couple are not happy, I think there are as many - if not more - unhappy single people. (Not people who have been married/have children/already done the whole family thing, people who have never been married/in a long term relationship.) Many of them are not as super happy as they make out. Quite a number of them struggle not only with loneliness, and having no-one to depend on, or laugh and cry with, and have fun with, but they struggle financially too.

Being perma-single is NOT the wonderful, fun-filled party some posters make it out to be. You do sometimes even see them say they have had people in relationships say they envy them. The vast majority of these people don't, they really don't... Many will be saying it to make the perma single person feel better, and secretly they would not swap places with them. I mean if they did truly want to be single too, they'd just leave their partner. Not that hard to figure out..

Oh and as for tor all the posters saying 'leave him' for almost bloody anything, without even trying to figure things out and work through the issues, I believe many of them are single, and miserable with it, and want everyone else to be the same! I have met people like this in real life.

I don’t think it is bad to want a relationship. I’m single and would love a decent relationship BUT the truth is that it is not easy to find someone up to standard that I genuinely like. I’m not looking for perfection but I’m also not interested in dating most men available to date in my age range due to a range of issues (ranging from them being disrespectful, rude, poor hygiene, selfish etc). I actually also like being alone and don’t think every human is programmed to want a relationship tbh.

I think you misunderstood what people on here are saying. Which is, basically, the way the life is - you may never meet "the one", and its ok. And, being single is better than being in a shitty relationship.

You can be happy on your own, and if you meet you special one who truly enriches your life - its a massive bonus. But meeting this person is not guaranteed and it may never happen. Which does not mean you should feel unfulfilled and miserable.

Some people want relationship so badly they would accept any kind of crap and would twist themselves into a pretzel. Go to the Relationship threads and weep! Having a dick in your bed is really, really not worth all the pain and suffering these ladies are going through.

If I can recognise that most people prefer to be in relationships, and be glad for all the happy couples / families I know, why can’t you accept that some people are genuinely happier single?

As for protesting too much, I might join in a chatty thread about the pleasures of single life or mention it on a thread like this where it’s relevant, but I wouldn’t go around shouting about it.

It’s not necessarily that I “fear” being alone. It’s more just that I don’t really enjoy it 😂 I left my relationship for the kids sake. If I didn’t have kids I probably would have stayed, maybe there is something wrong with me but I just seem to be happier in a relationship than on my own. I’d be lying if I said I don’t have to fake happiness at least some of the time now I’m single. And especially because the kids aren’t here all the time now, as they go to their dads

It’s not really about having a dick though. There are so many things I miss about having a partner. As someone mentioned further up in this thread, it’s having someone to share your day with, laugh with, cry with, someone to tell the silly little stories to or just to be with while you do mundane stuff around the house. You must have a pretty low view of women if you think all they care about is a dick in their bed

I don't think there's a general disaproval of being in a relationship.

There's a disaproval of staying in bad, unequal, unsatisfying or abusive relationships

There's a disaproval of prioritising a relationship with a man who doesn't love your kids from a previous relationship, against the best interests and wellbeing of your kids

There's a disapproval of bouncing straight from one bad relationship into an almost identical one with a man who is just as bad.

But healthy, respectful and satisfying relationships, with a partner who isn't a fuckwit and pulls their weight, are very much approved of.

I didn’t know that was a thing. Maybe more context required as I have never considered Mumsnet to be anti relationships, just anti bad ones.

The huge number of posts here from women with totally terrible partners shows that many, many women feel that it’s better to be in any relationship than none, and they are willing to put up with the most outrageous inequalities and mistreatments just for the sake of being with someone, anyone.

I always recommend to young women I know spending at least a few years living on their own before living with a partner. Find out who you are, what your values are, what you want your life to look like. Then, only if a relationship adds something to your life and makes it actively better than being alone, is it worth investing time and effort in it.

I wish more women did the same - especially those with children.

From what I read on here, pretty much any relationship can be deemed bad enough to leave though. If the man forgets to take the bin out one day then that’s abuse and worthy of leaving. I just think people jump really quickly to telling others to leave because it’s so much better for everyone if you’re single and you’ll be so much happier, but what if you’re not 🤷‍♀️

As I mentioned already. I did spend a period of 10 years in which I lived alone. I did not enjoy it. I’m not enjoying being single now but I am aware I have to be and will be now for the rest of my life. I just don’t understand the mentality behind everyone (including those who are in a relationship themselves) preaching about how being single is better when it’s just not 🤷‍♀️

I do wonder @Sunshine231 how many women leave their partner/husband and end the relationship, and secretly regret it, especially when they see him with someone else...

No-one on here is going to admit it though.

As a remarried woman, I'm probably not liked that much by some posters on MN!
But luckily, despite being in a really difficult first marriage that took a lot of time to heal from, I finally found a man who treats me with respect and genuinely loves me.
I did at first push him away as I was so worried about having to go through trauma again, but he understood that I needed time and patience. He has also been a great role model for my two sons (now both young men) and our marriage is a happy one

I totally agree, although I personally can’t say I regret it because it was the right thing to do for the kids. But equally I can’t say I’m so much happier and more joyful being single because I’m simply not 🤷‍♀️

@Sunshine231 I was genuinely thrilled when I found out my ex-husband had met someone new - she was absolutely so very welcome to him! 😀
How long have you been single? Sometimes it's best to take your time and look after you.

I think that’s more what I’m getting at, it’s the relationship after having left an initial long term relationship which seems to be disliked so much on MN. Like people who got married and then separated. There seems to be a general disdain for those people getting into another relationship. I couldn’t really articulate it but I think that’s what it is rather than a general negativity towards all relationships. It’s like people don’t think you deserve a “second chance” if you made a mistake the first time around

Being single is better than being in some relationships, though - surely you can see that? Being in any relationship can’t be the goal. Meeting someone who can actually make your life actively better - great. Settling for some/anyone just to avoid being single is madness, and speaks of a total lack of self-esteem, self-reliance and frankly, good sense.

It obviously depends on the relationship. I’m not saying I’d rather be in an abusive relationship than single. And in my case it’s “better” to be single because it’s right for the kids. If I didn’t have kids I honestly don’t think my life would be better single than being with my ex. Perhaps I need more therapy…..

@Sunshine231
How was your ex good for you but not for your kids?

This is me
I couldn't live with a man again
The NOISE
the loud af sneezing / yawning/ booming voice/ throat clearing...
The man smell . .the MESS
NO THANK YOU

Totally agree. A healthy amount of push against women needing to be in a relationship, which is still societal expectation. Never picked up on idea that it considered wrong to want a relationship tbh

You do realise that that 'world set up for two' is a patriarchal construct don't you? It has kept women down and held them back for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that women have been able to live independently with the ability to be educated to university level, have mortgages and their own bank accounts.

Why do you think that we are experiencing an epidemic of violence against women and girls?

Why is there such is rise in vitriolic levels of abuse and hate towards women?

Men don't like or want women to have that independence as it doesn't suit them.

We don't need to be coupled up any more. We can however choose to be in a partnership of equals. A lot of men don't see it that way and still expect women to conform to historic and outdated stereotypes.

Step back and ask who really benefits? Is companionship a price worth paying for all the compromises you are expected to make? And of course, NAMALT, blah blah blah, but the majority are.

No one is all bad or all good. He has a lot of good qualities. I’m an adult and can understand when someone is triggered or whatever they act in ways they don’t necessarily mean to. The kids are too young to understand and therefore it is detrimental for them to be around. He was quite snappy at times (adhd and was going through med titration) which I personally could tolerate for all the good times we had together but I could not tolerate the kids seeing it. Also he did not do his share of things for the kids so in that way he was not good for the kids. Obviously I would FAR rather be single and have my kids who are my whole world, but I’m just saying if I didn’t have kids I would probably rather be in that relationship than single.