Why is it seen as “wrong” on MN to want a relationship?

[Sunshine231]

I’ve noticed on threads on here that it is seen as really bad to admit to wanting a relationship. Being happy as a single person seems to be pushed as the holy grail. Why is that? Aren’t human beings biologically wired to be with someone? We are literally programmed to dislike being alone. So why is it so shamed when someone admits that they don’t like being alone?

For context I am not long out of a bad relationship and NOT looking for another relationship, before anyone jumps at me. But I can’t deny that the thought of being single forever doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. Clearly I’m wrong for feeling that way but I don’t feel like it’s a choice and maybe some people just don’t enjoy being single??

@Sunshine231 I understand it's not easy, I hear you. I left a very controlling and unhappy marriage but also unfortunately lost my children half of the time as punishment for making that choice. It's so hard when there's kids involved 😞

I don't think MN is against relationships but you do hear about some terrible relationships on here & people just staying in them because they fear being alone and then others forcing their children to "blend" with another family for the sake of their love life.

I think it's good that posters on MN reassure people that it's perfectly possible to live a happy, fulfilled life as a single person. The idea that you "have" to be in a relationship to be happy is rooted in the past but is very ingrained in us, particularly in women.

Be in a relationship if that's right for you but don't feel pressured to because it genuinely is possible to be happy as a single person.

I don't think we're biologically programmed to want to be a relationship. I think we're brainwashed into it. I think some of us (women) have the maternal instinct and see a man as part of that.

As a tween, somewhere between 8 & 11, I remember thinking that marriage and babies were definitely NOT what I wanted. But by the time I'd become a teenager, I'd drunk the Koolaid and was desperate for a boyfriend. For validation etc.

I've wised up now. Had 3 LTR none of which made me happy. Frankly, most men are not fit for purpose. So now, I'm very very happily single. Never ever going there again.

I think there's something to what you're saying. I've noticed it myself tbh.

I have sometimes said I would like to meet a new husband. I'm widowed four years. I have had really strange responses, a bit rude tbh, that have assumed I'm sort of mentally damaged for wanting a partner? All sorts of strange advice about getting hobbies and friends. I've got hobbies and friends. I have a very nice life, a great job, my own home with lots of friends and family locally, etc etc. (I'm feeling defensive already!) But for some reason saying I'd like to meet someone indicates some kind of failure on my part. But I liked being married. I liked having sex with someone who loved me, and laughing and having our private life together and all our happy times. It was good. A+ would do again. What's wrong with that? It enriched my life, and we only get one life. I'm not sure what's wrong with wanting it, but when I've mentioned to people on here, the response is always to assume I've got some kind of personal defect that I need to work on.

I don't really know what it's about.

I think you are misunderstanding what people mean. It's not that they don't understand why women want to be in a relationship. It's that they don't understand why some women would rather lurch from one shit, dysfunctional relationship to the next for years on end, always with the same predictable and depressing outcomes, rather than allow themselves to heal, find peace and build some self esteem and self respect by learning to be single for a while.

That’s all fine. But why can’t you accept that some of us are the opposite? We are genuinely happier single.

Do you usually have such problems understanding that people are different from you? That must make life very difficult.

I never said “some” people aren’t happier being single. I said it seems to be the majority of people pushing it on here. Not even just single people. It’s also people in relationships telling others that being single is amazing and the best way to live your life and you’ll love being a single mum it’s so awesome and life enriching. I am happy to accept that for SOME people being single really does make them happy. But equally there are SOME people for whom being single doesn’t not bring any happiness or joy at all!

I said IF I didn’t have kids. I do have kids so would not rather have stayed. Also he has become infinitely more unpleasant since I ended the relationship. But at the time of it ending it definitely wasn’t so bad that I would have been miserable with him IF we didn’t have kids. And yes I get the part about him showing his true colours now I’ve left him blah blah blah. Or maybe he is just angry and hurt that I left and all of our lives got torn apart 🤷‍♀️ it’s really irrelevant anyway, that ship has LONG sailed. I’ve already made it clear I have no intention of getting into another relationship. But I just wonder why being single is pushed so much on these threads when it is largely pretty shit

@Selkin it is true

It is true that being single is better than being with an abusive or cruel partner but that not what people are generally seeking!

It is hard navigating middle age on your own, tbh, there’s no doubt about it.

I've had quite balanced relationship advice here in the past.
LTB is a thing but if there weren't so many bastards we wouldn't have to say it so much.

I think the advice generally is as a separated mum, dont rush into getting serious/ involving the kids/ blending families....which is good advice considering the stats isn't it?

The advice is based in the reality of the threat some men pose to women and children. It just is what it is.

That was a bit tongue in cheek.

But what you are describing is very often not available in a relationship (or available for a limited time only) - but many women stay anyway. Many females have an idealised view of what life would be like with a partner and sometimes are prepared to tolerate a lot of crap to have an illusion of what you have described. But yes, humans are social animals and want that warmth and support, of course they do...

You said that we are literally programmed to dislike being alone.

Are you now accepting that was an erroneous statement? Many of us positively thrive living alone.

Tbh in hindsight I think I’ve always been my best self when single. I’m married with two kids now but relationships always come with so much loss - of time, identity, possibility - for women.

If DH and I don’t work out or he dies before me I can’t imagine ever living with another man again. I might have a “gentleman friend” for holidays and company but I would never share a full life again

Exactly. I am single and have been for a while. I’d love to meet someone and have a great relationship but since that isn’t happening for me, then I’ll stay single. I am not compromising and settling for an average relationship just so that I am not ‘alone’. Though saying that, I rarely feel lonely, I’ve felt more lonely in the wrong relationship.

I’m happy for those in happy relationships and sometimes a bit jealous that I’ve not had that, but so many people are also in bad relationships and I’d rather not be.

Just from observing on these threads though, anything short of 10+ years seems to be seen as “too soon”. I just don’t get why people think after a decade you’ll be automatically healed and you’ll never make a mistake with a relationship again. Some women might get intensive therapy and be “healed” after a year. Surely healing isn’t a linear, one fits all thing?

And I didn’t realise there was so much hate for blended families but that comment has come up multiple times on this thread. What is wrong with blended families? I have friends who are part of blended families and are really happy, the kids are happy. One friend for example who has just celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary who had a child when they met and her partner had 2 children. The kids see each other as siblings and my friend even gets on well with the mum of her step kids. As far as I can see they are all much happier than when she was on her own 🤷‍♀️

Just for a disclaimer: I am in no way shape or form considering starting a blended family now or at any point in the future. I’m just trying to understand why they are vilified so much

I personally have been single for so long I dont think I would ever have another relationship. I have been married for quite a long time, and had several relationships after my divorce - but I was never so happy or contented as I am now. It could be my age, who knows, but I just can't see how a relationship would benefit me in any way. I always felt anxious about being paired up, I was never single since 18 and until the beginning of my single life 15 year ago - and was terrified of being single as I felt I cant live without support and companionship. But it turns out that I can, gloriously happily, with no stress, control, mess or lecturing. I can finally be myself, and its sad realising I was never allowed to be myself with any of my exes. And that I thought what I had with them was love.

Even on this thread for example?? People saying you “should” be happy on your own. And how anyone looking for a relationship after having been in a bad one, MUST be doing it because they are terrified of being alone (or because they are desperate for dick) and they’re bound to of course get into another bad relationship (presumably because it’s assumed that the kind of women who get abused have low intelligence…??) and they’d be far far happier staying single for an indefinite period of time but not less than several years. Also you must not ever do a blended family. Under any circumstances. Yet to determine why that is so wrong but for now just assume it is very very bad.