Why is it seen as “wrong” on MN to want a relationship?

[Sunshine231]

I’ve noticed on threads on here that it is seen as really bad to admit to wanting a relationship. Being happy as a single person seems to be pushed as the holy grail. Why is that? Aren’t human beings biologically wired to be with someone? We are literally programmed to dislike being alone. So why is it so shamed when someone admits that they don’t like being alone?

For context I am not long out of a bad relationship and NOT looking for another relationship, before anyone jumps at me. But I can’t deny that the thought of being single forever doesn’t exactly fill me with joy. Clearly I’m wrong for feeling that way but I don’t feel like it’s a choice and maybe some people just don’t enjoy being single??

The times I've seen that is usually a woman prioritising her awful boyfriend over her kids and in IMO, in that scenario is perfectly justified.

Obviously, I haven't read every thread.

I’m not really sure why that would be your business. You enjoy your single life. I will continue not to enjoy mine.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. But there’s a difference between cultivating a relationship, letting it grow and develop, and needing to rush out and be with the first person you meet up with after a relationship ends.

I totally get anyone not wanting to be on their own in the long term. What I don’t get is some women’s desperate need for a man which is such that they’re on the dating apps and needing to find someone as soon as they become single.

More relationships fail because people get together with the first person they meet after a relationship ends.

Nobody should feel that they want or have to enjoy being single. But everyone should be able to be.

I’m single and have no desire to go out and meet someone. Frankly I don’t understand why anyone would go on dating apps when you read about the kind of dregs they produce. Both male and female from what I gather, it’s not unique to women finding a man. If I ever meet someone then great. But I’m not actively man hunting, and if I never do then such is life. I don’t need a man to complete me. A man should be a compliment to your life, not the reason for it.

Hahahahahahahaha so because you read the threads (which I actually wrote myself btw) you think you know him better than me, someone who actually lived with him for years. You don’t know someone just from reading a thread 🤣 and since you cannot seem to read I HAVE ALREADY LTB. Not sure why you’re going on and on about him 🤣

I think that people in relationships/marriages that are going on about how amazing being single is have some romanticised view of it. It’s a bit like when someone posts saying they are spending Christmas alone and then all the married people come along and say how amazing that would be and what they would do, when in reality, actually being alone and fantasising about being alone (with a loving family/husband) are completely different things.

Also, being single is financially tough too. So many people can’t afford to be single. (Particularly if you’re single with no children and get absolutely no support apart from a paltry 25% council tax discount)

This poster repeatedly joins MN, is banned and comes back. Don’t rise 👍🏻 just report.

It doesn’t reflect real life, that’s for sure. I see acquaintances and the first thing they ask me is if I’m seeing anyone. No one is interested that I’ve been able to keep a family home for my children after years of part time working, have a range of interests or have made sure I’ve been there for my children when they need it. Nope, it’s just are you dating. Of course I’m not fucking dating, I’m fat and unattractive and in my 50s. I now just point those facts out to people so they know I’m aware they’re taking the piss and that the only metric that counts is my relationship status.

There are a lot of things human beings are biologically wired to do that we either do not do anymore (due to evolution or advances in civilisation) or not everyone does because of genetic and biological variation between individuals. Humans are “in general” biologically wired to procreate but of course there are people who don’t feel the need to do so. It is also possible to override the biological wiring through environment. The whole nature vs nurture thing.

Oh thank you for the heads up I was so confused why they were coming after me like that 😅

So what you originally wrote was incorrect.

At least you are making progress as a result of your thread.

MN is just a strange, contrary place and it often doesn't reflect real life.
Just don't take it so seriously and do what suits you.

Some things are predictable - someone questions an age gap relationship and there are loads of messages from people married to someone 20+ years older saying it's great for example. Similarly, someone says they don't enjoy being single, loads of people post about it being the best thing ever. It always happens.
And amongst all of these extremes you will find sensible, thoughtful advice too.

I think you understandably feel a resentment that you are now single with small kids and don't really want to be and that is colouring what you see here.

If you want to find a new relationship then do that, just be sensible about it when it comes to introducing your kids etc. MN is good in that it shows many a cautionary tale when it comes to things like that.

If you don't or think it's not the right thing for you then you have to find a way to accept that and be happy single. Again, posts on here can show you that that is also possible.
Just don't take MN too seriously is the thing.

It’s not incorrect though. We are wired to not want to be alone. It’s an evolutionary thing for survival. In the wild if you were on your own you’d more likely be killed. What I said originally wasn’t wrong I just clarified it with a more detailed explanation. There are always exceptions to what is biologically standard. For example some people have more than 10 fingers or toes. Presumably you would not argue that it’s not biologically standard to have 10 fingers?

Being single is better than being so desperate you'll put up with anything to be in a couple.

A lot of men with kids from a previous relationship seem to be very eager to rapidly commit and move in with a woman. The woman is then used for free childcare and free/cheap housing. This scenario comes up so frequently on here and I think in situations like this people do question why some women put themselves and their own kids through it.

Thank you, there are a lot of thoughtful responses here including yours. I am in the latter camp, knowing a relationship is not the right thing for me and trying to find a way to accept it. I just see all these comments about how wonderful it “should” be to be single and wonder if something must be wrong with me for not finding it wonderful. And I feel like I’m just not someone who will ever think it is wonderful. Or maybe I will with time 🤷‍♀️

That does sound tough, @Sunshine231, I’m sorry.

When hearing how wonderful it ‘should’ be to be in a relationship I occasionally wonder if I’m a bit weird for feeling so differently.

There’s a big difference between being open to meeting someone and someone being desperate to do so because they don’t feel like they can cope with life on their own, so they think they need a partner to be happy. People in the second situation are likely to attract poor partners because they believe a relationship will fix their problems and that it is the main ingredient of a happy life above all else. This kind of dependency isn’t a recipe for developing a healthy relationship.

I don’t think I’ve seen posts here stating that having a relationship in itself is bad: it’s about the circumstances.

Lots of posters also obviously advise against people moving unrelated adults into their children’s homes, involving someone they haven’t been dating long in their children’s lives, or rushing from one relationship to the next on repeat. All are signs of poor priorities and boundaries and deeper psychological problems that a relationship won’t fix.

Likewise, lots of posters obviously advise to leave unpleasant, lazy, useless, selfish or abusive men, and rightly so because being single is much better than being in a relationship with such a person!

Competition. They want to reduce competition.

If you are single, then you are available for men to partner with. Some of those men won't even be single but are still on the lookout for a better prospect than they have.

If other women can make you feel like you should not be available, then you are not competition for them. If their male partners or men they want approach you, you will reject them.

Others feel like you had your chance at a family but fucked it up somehow, either through poor choices or being unable to keep a man happy, so now you don't deserve another relationship because you are now tainted.

It isn't because they care about you or your kids.

You said you have only just ended a bad relationship, so I think you are right that you do need time to get perspective on this. It’s perfectly normal for you not to be feeling super happy at the moment!

@Sunshine231 I think it is more complex than your two camps.

There are often DC to consider, there is also a lot baggage to carry from one relationship to the next or possibility of meeting someone with lots of baggage doing the same and also being single after coming out of a difficult relationship should be used as a time to heal.

I sit in your 1st camp. But years ago when I did split from the relationship before this one, I had a young daughter, I had a career and I had a lot pain, so I practiced what I preach and nearly 10 years later met my DH and have been in camp 1 for 18 years.

Now when a relationship ends people go on dating sites to find the - Next!

I also think a lot of replies are from those who are in relationships and it’s a bit like when you’re on holiday and think it’s amazing as it’s a break from the norm, and of course that’s not really what it’s all about.

The whole LTB thing is because they want you to experience the negativity that comes from uprooting your whole life so it hopefully leads you to holding onto some of the same anger and bitterness that fuels them.

They salivate at imagining a man being left, the woman having to scrape what she can together to make some sort of life for herself and any kids having to be stuck in the middle of it all. They know that will breed hostility in the woman and make her more inclined to dislike men just for being men.

Misery loves company. It's a Schadenfraude thing. There were women who I was in prison with who would really try and disrupt someone's release date by trying to get them in trouble. What happens on here isn't much different to those broken souls I was locked up with who get joy from the pain and isolation of others.

It isn't because they care about you or your kids.

I think this last part kind of hits the nail on the head for me. I think I often get a sense from these posters that they are pushing the narrative of single being best for reasons other than genuine care for the person and their kids.

But being single does not imply “being in your own”. Earlier in human development humans lived in large groups, not nuclear family units. Survival depended far more on your extended network of friends and family than with whom you were having sex.

I think this mindset you express of single meaning “alone” is probably why you can’t understand why many people enjoy being single. They still have friends, family, busy lives… they’re not completely isolated from the entire world. And if you have the mindset where you expect/ want a relationship to be that you rely on that one person for almost everything and spend all your time with them that’s quite unhealthy and also means you will naturally struggle more if the relationship ends because you haven’t got an independent life and connections outside the relationship.

This is why people often suggest building up your own life before deciding to date again rather than obsessing over the idea of finding a new relationship, overinflating its importance and often then moving much too fast to commit to someone new when they still barely know them.

In your case, you say you’ve just come out of a bad relationship so I wonder why you’re even worried about this at the moment when you’re still in the process of recovering from that and starting again?

It isn't because they care about you or your kids

that much is very true