Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

The funny thing is from what I can tell of my peer group, many men want kids but do precisely eff all when those kids arrive. Consider yourself lucky that the trash is taking itself out.

This is one of the reasons I'm childfree!

I met my husband when I was the same age you are now. He was probably more open to having children than I was but he is glad now that we didn't. This isn't a world that either of us would want to bring kids into.

We've been together 20 years now and have a nice child free life. I do occasionally think about getting older and not having that family support but having kids wouldn't guarantee that anyway.

Bloody brilliant, thanks for asking. Also very long term single which probably contributes to the brilliant-ness 😆

It wasn't planned. Assume id meet someone, have a child, etc. The first didnt happen and I realised I didnt care enough about the second to make it happen. Now in my 50s and glad this is where im at.

I think you’ll find someone who is on your wavelength. It could be an age thing where men under 30 or around that age speak about having families and blah blah, but when they get a bit older and their peer group has kids and they realise that they don’t want to give up football, golf, mountaineering or whatever else they’re up to, you’ll find someone who is happy to be child free with you also :)

I met my husband at 21. We are now 36 and no children by choice. If anything seeing friends have children over the past few years has made us want one even less

I’m 38, child free, I was married but left because he wanted kids and I didn’t. I’m now with a lovely man who wants the same things I do - pets! Cats, chickens and a golden retriever but not a baby in sight. I’m very happy, sleep 9 hours a night, doing well in my career and never had a shred of doubt.

Occasionally I get the question “but who will look after you when you’re old?” and I give the answer: “robots”.

Stick to your guns and you will find someone who shares your vision of life!

Thank you, this is really helpful. Did you speak about children much in the early stages of dating?

I don't mind dating someone who is open to children and doesn't mind either way (rather than someone who is actively childfree). The problem I've found is that a lot of 'open to children' types are actually, 'Oh, I've never really thought about it...' and then in a few years when they finally do sit down and think about it, they decide they want them!

Thank you! If you don't mind me being nosy, can I ask why you never met anyone?

I would say I'm conventionally attractive and have never had any trouble with finding men who want to date me. The trouble I have is finding men who I want to date. Apparently once I hit 30 I will suddenly transform into an ugly old spinster and men will no longer be interested so I'm feeling a little nervous..!

Thank you, this is really reassuring to read and I really hope so :) I think a lot of men don't realise how much work children are because it doesn't impact them in the same way as women.

Child free by choice, I never wanted them. I have a fantastic long term partner, who also doesn’t have kids. We have a great life together.
I also have lots of friends the same ago who for a variety of reasons are also child free.

Oh thank you, I also broke off my engagement for this reason so this is really reassuring to read. Can I ask how old you were when you met him and whether he was actively childfree (or just 'open')?

I was about 34, he was a bit younger than me at 32 and I think he was more open to it, as men often are, but skeptical. He’s not a commitment phobe but he doesn’t like the idea of being responsible for lots of people. As friends had babies and we started to see the reality of it, as other posters have said, you go off the idea more and more. We’re both at the point now where we always say we cannot imagine having kids and are so thankful we never did.

My life is bloody brilliant - 37 here and absolutely zero desire to ever have a child. We can both afford to work part-time, we own a few animals, have a cheap mortgage and spend our free time exploring , going to the beach and going out for lunch, coffee and cake.

I wouldn’t swap it for anything.

I was married but didn't have kids, ex-husband already had two and didn't want any more.

I've been single from the mid 80s, had a well paying job, occasional relationships, friends, family etc. Had a pretty nice life and now that I'm retired, I have my own home paid for, private pensions, plus state, substantial savings thanks to my dad, still have friends some childfree and some with grandchildren now. Some family still around that I see regularly.

When the married ones whinge about their husbands ongoing health issues that are now impacting their lives or their kids personal lives that have become very stressful, I'm still pretty glad I am single. I only have to worry about me not anyone else.

Omg this is my dream life! I'm so reassured to hear it, I thought maybe my DINK dream was just a fantasy. How old were you when you met him and were you both actively childfree at the time?

Thank you! What was it like for your friends without babies? Most of my friends are pregnant or have literally just had a newborn so I haven't really seen what it's like in-depth yet.

My (now) DW was always a bit reticent about having children (I was agnostic, assumed we would, but if we didn’t not a deal-breaker); we met when I was 31/32 and she was around your age. Dated long distance for a couple of years, moved to be together, and married at 33F/35M.

We did have a brief try for a child, but an early MC reinforced DW’s view that she didn’t want children, and thus we are childfree.

20+ years later, both (very early-) retired; enjoying travel and leisure. Have cats, 3 homes, and a motorhome. Am sure we will miss family support in old age, but our friend-group are almost entirely childfree, and there is sometimes gentle talk of communal living in old age - for self-support and to make buying in support more affordable, if it comes to that.

We met in our late twenties! Neither of us were actively childfree but after a couple of years we both decided we liked our freedom too much and now the idea of having a child gives me a headache 😂

I don’t know anyone with a child who isn’t either permanently frazzled, exhausted or broke (often all three) - there’s just nothing about it that appeals to me and reading MN just reassures me that I’ve made the right decision!

Thank you! Out of interest, how did you meet if you were long-distance? At what age did you retire - is it more feasible without children? And how did you end up with a childfree friend group? One of the most isolating things for me is that basically all my friends are coupled and pregnant/having children so don't really have much time for me.

Sorry for all the questions, I just don't get to meet many of you folks!

Thank you! Did you talk much about children in the early stages of dating?

Agreed about reading Mumsnet! I was sort of wondering if I'd made the wrong decision deciding to be childfree. Then I came to post on here and the top trending posts are all about women trapped in marriages with useless cheating husbands which they can't leave because of the kids...

It's brilliant and I regret nothing now I'm in my 40's. I have had two marriages (including this one!!). My EXH had a child and that was fine, but it never swayed my thinking on the matter and our split was nothing to do with children. I met DH when I was 35/6 and he also has no children and never wanted them.

Obviously we have the normal life stresses to a point, but honestly it's generally fabulous - I have well exceeded my likely earning potential comparable to if I was trying to parent, I enjoy and am very involved with my job, we have money to do things and ample time to do what we want. Lots of weekend dinners, off peak holidays etc.

I've honestly known since I think forever, that it just wasn't for me, and that's fine.

I'm not child free myself so apologies if this isn't helpful, but just sharing that one of my colleagues has just got married (she's 30) and she and her husband are child free. She says she's just never been interested in having children, and her husband is the same. Their life is lovely, they're a very happy couple and spend lots of really good quality time together. I always love hearing about their routines, like they both work from home on a Wednesday so they always go out for breakfast together before work, little things like that. Sounds gorgeous!

I know this question isn’t aimed at women like me (46 and 3 kids) But if I didn’t want children, I almost certainly wouldn’t want a man either.
Basically, I would just enjoy being a single person

(Also just want to say I'm one of the lucky ones with a fantastic husband who more than does his share and I absolutely love having my children, but I certainly don't think children are universally central to happiness or having a lovely, fulfilling life!)