Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

Is that because your kids are grown-up now though?

I'm in my 40s and am very content with my life. I cannot name a time when I thought to myself, "You know what would make this better? Children!" My husband was on the same page when we discussed children, though by the time I met him I was on the verge of remaining single by choice. I love him very much, but if he was to go first, I have no interest in meeting another man.

I'm starting to reap the benefits of having built up my career in my 20s-30s. I now work four days a week, and I'm set for a comfortable retirement before retirement age. If I book a flight, I can always afford business class. If I spot a nice piece of jewellery, I can buy it just because I can. I can afford to be generous towards my close family and friends, and it's so nice to feel like I'm 'giving back' to my parents than asking them to provide free childcare. I don't have to think about school plays, immunisations, playground bullying, mum cliques and the constant worry that won't simply stop on the child turning 18.

One of the nicest things is being able to switch off properly after work, or just pottering around on a weekend morning with no expectations or demands. The sound of a peaceful, quiet house without kids noise, devices etc is worth its weight in gold.

Fair enough. For me, it was no different to any other operation, but all operations are tedious so I didn't want to go through it again when both my husband and I knew we'd never want children.

I think this is really interesting OP as a friend of mine is currently having & has had a very similar experience to you! She has always known she doesn’t want children and found it difficult to find a partner who felt the same, she met her now ex husband when she was 33 and he had said he didn’t want children, he turned 40 and decided actually he did want children, she still didn’t and so they split up and he is now expecting a baby with his new partner. She is now back in the dating game again and finding it hard to find a man who doesn’t want children or already have them, she doesn’t want to be step-mum anymore than she wanted to be mum so is finding it hard, so it isn’t just you!

Yes, I think us women are our own worst enemy sometimes. I do think some women aren't 100% happy in motherhood, so instead of being honest about it they try to put childfree women down - saying they're selfish, they don't know what love is, etc. I will always be grateful for women who are realistic about how tough motherhood is, even though it's taboo to admit.

Yes, but I used to go away on solo weekends, long walks and to the theatre even when my kids were small. DH and I took it in turns to sustain our hobbies.

Now I just go for longer.

Incidentally, you sound really thoughtful and switched on OP. Good for you!

Senior role alright, tough at times competing with the men ha ha, but worth it in the end. Nice big fat pension now and a payback for all the years I put in and no one to look after but myself. I have an equally financially secure partner of over 20 years, and I can tell you that the key to a marvellous relationship is NEVER to live together! We have separate houses..... so no patriarchy getting in my way at my house! 😊

Oh and BTW I took early retirement at 56. Happy Days.

I didn't want kids for the longest time, then at the end of that window, I suddenly wanted kids. This is how I found MN, and was supported through several miscarriages. Although that was a hideous time, I am grateful now that I don't have kids. I'm sure I would have been thrilled if I had, but I can see that it is also full of so much overwhelm and challenges, etc., I have such a peaceful, easy life, I've been able to retire early, I can do what I want, I don't feel confident at all about the future any child of mine would have faced.

Indeed. The old 'crabs in a bucket' mentality. I think that society judges absentee mothers far more harshly than it does absentee fathers, it is assumed that a woman's whole life will be her children, and it is statistically far more likely that her career will take the hit (that happened over Covid, women were stuck with the largest share of the homeschooling whereas men just got on with their careers)

Reading this was almost enough to convince me of my decision to remain childfree. Your life sounds heavenly. Thank you!

I also feel the same in reverse - there have been many situations, for example when I'm cosy in bed quietly reading a book, or I'm tired and overstimulated after a long day in the office, where I think to myself: 'You know what would make this worse? Children!'

Anyone who says not having children is selfish is an idiot and can be ignored. Having children in 2026 is far more selfish.

Again, you were relatively lucky. Anyone even remotely on the fence about having children should plan for the worst case scenario, like a high needs neurodivergent child. No weekend breaks happening for those parents.

It wasn't exactly by choice, exh didn't want kids & aside from a few moments of "what ifs", now, at 60, I'm delighted to be childfree, especially given the state of the world.

Met my now husband (also child free) in my mid 40s when each of us already had our own houses. Had a brilliant career, money for travel/fun & still able to save for retirement, when peers with kids earning the same seemed perpetually skint.

We are both retired & our lives are brilliant with freedom, travel & cats!

Thank you for sharing! This is useful to know in a way - I've been limiting myself to childfree men, but this thread has showed me that even childfree men can change their minds, and even men who want children can see how much their friends are struggling with fatherhood and decide 'No thanks!'

How is your friend finding dating besides the children issue? Society tells women that no man will want us post 30, but I do question whether that's true!

Within my friend circle, we had - someone who blacked out for the birth and got PTSD because they induced her early (due to pre-eclampsia), someone who nearly gave birth in a taxi because the baby came too quick, and someone who passed out in the toilets after giving birth because she was haemoragging and the nurses hadn't realised. After I got married my mum also told me about the terrible PND she'd had both with me and my sister. So that made me terrified of pregnancy and birth, and then once they were parents, our friends all seemed deeply miserable. I know parents will tell you it's the greatest love they ever felt, and maybe it is, but my god the chaos and noise of kids is unbearable to me -- when people brought their toddlers over, they would do things like kick my cats, smash pictures, throw ornaments about, and the screaming would do my head in. I would rather be single a thousand times over than have them! I used to have panic attacks about getting pregnant when I was with my ex husband. I look back now and I'm so proud of myself for leaving and not just getting pregnant because the pressure was there!

You've done the right thing. Even if men say they want kids, it's easy for them to say that - look at the threads on here. Imagine the resentment you'd feel if you had a kid to please a man xxx

Thank you, it sounds like you are a really great team. It's tricky because my mum was a single mother so I know how quickly this can change if your DH isn't supportive. Maybe it's about finding the right person?

Definitely lucky! Also many partners and husbands I know are so useless or possessive that they refuse to look after the kids for more than a couple of hours. So can't count on that.
Now my kids are grown I go away whenever I want, so the gap between parents and childfree reduces when in your 50s, assuming NT children.

Thank you! I think it's good that people are now thinking more about whether to have children or not, regardless of which side of the fence they end up on. It's the people who simply have them without really thinking about all the work involved that terrify me!

I do think there is truth in this, I also think part of it (especially now with social media) is this pressure to love every moment and have perfect lives whatever your choices. There are hard things about whatever life you choose and we’d all be far happier if we just focused on ourselves and our own decisions, making sure WE are happy with them rather than forever trying to convince other people we are so happy and that if they aren’t doing the same thing as us then they are doing something wrong.

I’m very happily married with 2 children I absolutely adore and a job I enjoy, I love my life and I love being a mum. One of my best friends is child free & single by choice and has a job that sends her all over the place, she regularly spends 6 weeks at a time abroad for work in amazing locations, Australia, Bali, Japan, she loves the spontaneity, she loves the travel, she loves her life. I wouldn’t enjoy living the way she does, and she wouldn’t enjoy living the way I do, neither of us is wrong we’re just different people who enjoy different things. The more women start supporting each other in making choices, whatever those choices look like, the happier we will all be.

Interesting!!! I'd love to hear more about the separate housing (which still seems very radical and taboo to many people). I'm currently trapped in a mortgage with my ex-fiancee so I feel very wary of ever buying a house with someone ever again. I'd be happy to go and stay at his place for long periods but have my own property in my back pocket.

She is finding it more difficult now and for various reasons really! She has noticed that most of the men 30-40 aren’t looking at women in their 30’s, they are looking at women in their 20’s. The men who are looking at women in their 30’s she finds tend to be men who are 40+, and incidentally a lot of those men already have had children which means she isn’t interested as she doesn’t want to be a step mum either. She did meet a man who she really liked a few months ago but as their dates went on he had started speaking as though being child free was something she would change her mind about, and “we will see how you feel in a couple years” so she ended things as she didn’t want to waste her time or his when she has always known she does not want a child.

This all said though, I have single friends who do want children and they are having their own dating struggles so I don’t think it is easy for anyone!

This is absolutely true. When I say I am childfree and it's better not to have children, I speak for myself, not anyone else. I sometimes think that there is more criticism and sniping directed at the childfree than the other way round, but I can't say that for certain.

I have a couple of friends who were child free and single until around aged over 40 then met their partners and did end up having a child.
I have a close friend who had an awful situation in her 20s with her (male) partner dying who then went into excessively date women, and is living a wonderful life all around the world. She did try IVf with a previous female partner when she was around z40 but after a few failed attempts the relationship broke down and she moved across the world and started a business which is now very successful.
another friend struggled mentally as she did want kids but met a succession of absolute arseholes and she ended up quite mentally ill when teaching 45 and nothing working out for her.
another friend is happily married with no kids and no plans for children ever, they have a lovely life, travel a lot and have a very nice house.
I have kids and once you have them you can’t put them back, it’s the ultimate choice isn’t it, not many decisions in life are irreversible, but having kids most certainly is.

I do worry now that this isn’t a great state of affairs for them to grow up in, I struggled with losing my sense of self, until I finally relented but it did take me a while

Shit, unfortunately. Life has been a real struggle.

I didn't really want children either at your age, but it took me a long time to fully understand all the reasons that was driving that aversion, which at times was very strong. Now it's too late for me to have kids.

I think if you're middle class, on a nice salary, and live in quite an urban area, then a single, child-free life looks much nicer, easier, or even glamours & Instagramable, but for the rest of the population, it can be really lonely and hard. Not that it's fabulous for mums either, for different reasons, but I'm just speaking from a different perspective.

Unless you live in a city centre in the midst of professionals whereby moving around for jobs is fairly common, absolutely everyone seems to be pared up with someone, and so as a single childless woman, I'm quite an anomaly, and that can be an issue, socially. If you're reasonably attractive, then you could find yourself being frozen out or not being given invitations if they see you as a potential sexual threat, and those feelings will be compounded if you're single & childless as you'll be seen by other women as being more desirable to men. I've certainly felt that cold shoulder a few times.

I've also felt very alienated as I feel like I'm living such a different live to most women.