Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

I ended up child free and am generally relieved. Its worth looking at FIRE community - someone who is focused on achieveing financial independence might also be less likely to want kids plus you would have the fun of planning your time together. See if you have any local meetups.

Just splendid, thank you. I did expect to develop the urge to have a baby but it just never happened. The worst bit was having to be brutally honest with chaps I really liked in my 30s so as not to delude them. No regrets, though, and I’m 60 now.

No I don’t think only parent are tired etc. I just think that when parents get advice from non parents about stuff the advice can be off a little. I know non parent friends of mine have given me advice that they’ve not understood why it wouldn’t work for me as a parent. So I kind of assumed parents would look to other parents for advice from people going through similar things. It’s very similar to me being a send parent of a child who has quite strict routines and who can’t leave the house if they haven’t done something in that routine, then a non send parent coming along and saying things like ‘who’s the adult? Just tell them they have to..’. So in some instances I look at send parent threads or even separate send parent socials for that advice.
But yes I’m clearly wrong about where people seek advice.

I see this a lot on here. I can’t think of one of my male friends that’s like this. Totally believe you and not trying to be a dick, I just find it mad how different circles can be so different and genuinely wonder why

Come on now. There’s a vast, vast difference between seeking advice from a fellow send parent and seeking ‘fashion advice for a tired parent’, and the relevance of a poster’s parenthood to the answer one might get.

There are childfree/childless nurses, doctors, teachers, lawyers, gardeners, speech therapists etc, I'm sure their contributions here are very welcome on the relevent threads even though they don't have children and they don't think the advice they get is 'off'.

There are too many posts on here for me to respond to individually so I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who shared your story. I was feeling really despondent about my prospects when I posted this, to the extent that I was wondering whether my DINK dream was just an unrealistic fantasy, but reading all these posts has made me feel so hopeful. So many of you are living these wonderful lives that are exactly the sort I dream of as a childfree woman - peaceful, fun and financially secure.

It probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but we are some of the first women in history who have chosen to be childfree by choice, so there aren't many other role models I can look to in person.

If this isn't too weird, would anyone be willing to be 'interviewed' and (anonymously) talk through their experiences in more depth? I feel like I have so many questions still! Let me know if so and I'll drop you a PM (or feel free to PM me).

It’s interesting really isn’t it? But all through the entire history of our species people could easily have said “This isn’t a world I want to bring children into”.

There have always, for all of time, been problems and challenges that might seem like it’s not worth having children. Would you have wanted during the Victorian era for instance - when children were sent to work from a very early age. Or during the periods of WW1 and WW2? The great depression?

I agree - I work in elderly client private law and see this occasionally, those with no one younger to appoint so have to appoint us as solicitors, with all the extra cost involved. Same with wills too. It’s so sad going into a house and having to go though their belongings after they’ve died because they had no one else to do it for them.

Hopefully those without children will have a younger family member they can turn to - but not everyone does. It’s something that difficult to comprehend when you’re reasonably young yourself and fit.

It's a good point and I did actually think about it as I was typing! In think for me it's more about social media/ai really than anything else. I see so many kids completely addicted to their phones and it makes me sad (and I am also addicted to mine, no judgement!)

THIS 100%

Met my DH when we were at uni together, now mid forties, child free by choice. I always knew I didn't want children; my mum had 5 and two failed marriages and was a bit too honest about how she'd been trapped in a life of poverty and grind by being 'left with the kids'.

DH was ambivalent but when his friends started having kids he realised it wasn't for him, he is good with kids but he's an introvert who gets easily stressed by loud noises and mess so he wouldn't have been well suited! I can see his dad is the same and wasn't the most hands on parent though his generation didn't have to be.

I love my childfree life; not rich but have enough disposable income not to worry about money, I play music, paint and do a sport that I often go away on weekends for. Outgoings are low and I could probably go part time in a few years.

You are right, of course but also women did not have the luxury of making a decision until very recently. My great grandmother had 11 children, with the last 3 between 1939 and 1943 while living in Eastern Europe with all that it entailed at the time. Then my great grandad was taken as a POW into Czechoslovakian work camp which meant she didn't have an opportunity to have any more which was a blessing given how hard her life was throughout and after the war years. Out of 11 children, 7 died before reaching the age of 2. If she had access to contraception, I am sure she would make a very different choice as would a lot of women in Victorian era.
We are incredibly privileged as women (and men!) today to be able to make these decisions.

That’s nuts. Would you have expected him to pay for every little thing for the rest of your lives simply because you’d agreed to have his child?

OP are you a journalist? A few reflections...

The question 'how did your life turn out?' - well unless someone is on their deathbed, they're still very much in the middle of their lives. Most who have shared have not got to the point where they're having to deal with their own serious illnesses or losing a partner and that could really change their views and seems to be on many people's minds when they are considering children or not.
I have children so you can discount my view but you're realy focused on the first bit - having babies, rather than the much longer game. You'll see lots of the first bit over the next few years which will doubtless make you feel certain that you were right. But then your friends' children will become real people who may chat to you, be really kind and funny, pass exams, graduate etc It is that bit that most people are thinking about when they consider children. My (unmasked for) advice is to keep an open mind

This will be my situation sadly, but I can't just have a child so that I have got someone to clear my house out when I die.

Depending on what you do in your spare time some people may prefer a stranger clears out their house 👀 😂 There have been quite a few threads on Mumsnet with people a bit...shocked with what they find 😂

Is it that rare though? I'm older than you and half of my friendship group have not have children by choice, including me. It always struck me how many sitcoms in the 1970s were about older couples without children: The Good Life, May to December, A Fine Romance and no-one thought anything of it. Also, I'm not sure why the child-free would be on antidepressants. If it's a choice, and it is for me, it's a welcome choice and makes me happy.

I think for me (child-free) I'm drawn to MN because I can't imagine what it's like being a parent and I'm hoping to be enlightened. Sadly I've been shocked by what I'm reading sometimes, although I understand people tend to post when they're in trouble, not so much when they're happy. The problems with relationships and wider family seem exhausting and never-ending. The partner or DH seems to be a bit of an accessory after the fact - not a main player. The focus is so much on kids. It's a world apart from my life, which I will defend ferociously to the end. That freedom and the lack of stress and compromise that I have valued so much.

I’m 54 and several of my close friends are childfree. Plus those of my friends my age or older and/ or who had their children young are often done with parenting in a hands-on way, as their adult children are living abroad or at a distance, so there’s never been less distance between those who are parents and those who aren’t.

I'm in my 50's and know loads of child free family and friends. For example. I have 20 first cousins. Out of the 10 cousins I have on my mother side ( all aged 30-55) there are 5 children. Only me and one of my cousins have decided to have children. That may be extreme but it's not at all unusual in general in my circle and I come from a fairly devout Catholic family.

I’m the eldest of five and all the others are childfree.

Or they can have childen with significant challenges. I was ambivalent about having childen but DH wanted them so we had DS who is 22 now.

I love my son deeply and at the same time wish fervently that I had listened to my instinct and not had any children. He will never live an independent life and as we were unable to have more children due to secondary infertility and he is the youngest cousin on both side of the family, he will almost certainly be alone in the future. I feel almost overwhelming sadness and despair when I think of his life when DH and I are gone, particularly with the challenges the world will be facing soon.

On a personal level my life is undoubtedly more restricted and harder than it would be if I had not had a child and will remain this way until I die. Had we not had DS, DH and I would almost certainly have the lovely life of the older financially comfortable child free couples on this thread.

Yes I might have regretted not having children but I'd take that regret any day over my regret for what DS will almost certainly go through when DH and I die.

Firstly 💐that sounds really tough. I think it is also worth pointing out that this type of outcome is much more likely if you delay child bearing.

Not necessarily, I was 31 and 33 when my two special needs children were born. It’s a life long worry. I was also uncertain about children. I now wished I listened to my feelings and not others.