Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

Lovely! How did you make that decision (were you both actively childfree when you met?) and how did your retirement work (what kind of careers were you in and how did you get to that point?)?

Thanks, sorry for all the Qs!

I will say that a couple of friends who said they never wanted kids, adopted them in their late 40s! ( not in this country).

Thank you for sharing, this is lovely and reassuring to hear!

I have colleagues who are child free. They have a great life - now in their mid 50s, just retired and watching lots of Grand Prix.

One thing though, think very carefully about who you will want to manage your finances later in life if you are not capable. I worked in a bank and it was upsetting when those in charge were organisations like a bank or solicitor. Try and find a nice niece or nephew.

Thank you, this is lovely to hear! I would be fine dating someone who genuinely didn't mind either way - it's just the people who haven't thought about it and then decide they want them when they do think about it I'm wary of.

I'm 43, married and childfree. My life is great, I don't like children very much and never wanted them. Being a parent seems to me to be an exhausting and thankless task.

I didn’t want children at 29. I met my partner at 37 and by 40 was very much wanting a baby. Gave birth a week after my 41st birthday and had another a few years later. My childfree life was great and my life as a mother is also great- not always easy, for sure, but rewarding and meaningful in a way that my childfree life didn’t match. Unless you’re absolutely sure, leave your options open and see what life brings.

To be honest I didn't actively date as such. I met current DH through work in my VERY male dominated field, and prior to that was intentionally single for about 2 years after ending my marriage, which had started way back in my early 20's so.

I am senior management in construction. It requires a lot of flexibility on hours, and I am required to be 'available' most of the time. It's not for everyone, but I have the time to give to it, and as such I have done pretty well out of it. Plus I love it, the variation, seeing schemes come to fruition etc. DH works in the same industry so we understand each others work pressure which helps.

I've just never wanted them, just like I have never wanted to sky-dive or whatever. It just doesn't factor, and has always been an easy 'no'. I have close family/siblings with kids, and I have several God-children, but to parent is just not what I have ever wanted.

I had never had any maternal feelings, never wanted to even look at the babies that people brought into the office. I suddenly realised that I couldn't abort a child if I got pregnant by mistake and that I would resent that child for the rest of my life. It's harder these days, I think, but I got the NHS to clip my tubes without any problem back then.

We were both in high paying professional careers and savers by nature with private and occupational pensions. I retired and he semi-retired as soon as the mortgage was paid off and we knew we had enough income to live at that standard for the rest of our lives.

A big part of the key is to reach a lifestyle which is "enough", whatever your "enough" is, and then pack every other penny away for the future.

Thank you! What changed at 40? Were you and your partner both childfree when you met?

I'm happy to keep my options open and potentially be an 'older' mum if I change my mind like you did. It's just tricky as I'm 29 dating men aged 29-35 and they are all looking to have children in the next few years. I was dating someone who I really liked who unfortunately wasn't willing to wait.

I have a friend who is now in her mid 50's and she is single and child free. She had a few short relationships. She is glad now that she does not have a child.
She has seen friends and other women she knows having kids. Some of the fathers wanted a child like a kids wants a dog but had no idea of expense or work involved with kid's. She saw friends as well dealing with kids that had extra needs and various challenges. Her friends ended up physically and mentally exhausted dealing with these. She been there for them during this time.

My friend is planning to change jobs next year and plans to leave work before retirement age. She is due to get several inheritance in time also.

She knows a lady who is now in her early 80's who remained single and child free. This lady had a good job but she made the effort to have a life beyond work. She kept in contact with friends and met them regularly even when some of them had small kid's. She travels to meet friends that moved to other parts of the country and they come and stay with her also. She has kept in contact with her siblings and relatives. As a result of this she has a network of friends and family to see, ring and go places with. My friend is doing the same now because she wants to be in a similar position to this lady as she gets older.

Thank you for sharing. Without sounding slightly sentimental I do find stories like yours really inspiring. I feel like we're some of the first women in history to choose to be childfree and I don't have many childfree role models in real life!

I was like you OP, didn't like baby dolls when I was a child. It felt awkward playing with them and preferred teddies and animals.

I got married at your age and my husband agreed he didn't want children. When we were on honeymoon we were sitting in a gorgeous old European square having dinner and I watched a group of families with young kids, the women/mums were feeding the kids, running round after them and generally doing ALL the childcare whilst the men/dads were sitting together having beers and chilling out. That strengthened my resolve to never have children as I didn’t want to be in that position of not being able to stretch my legs out and drink beer with not a care in the world.

My husband and I split and he went on to have 3 kids with his lovely new wife.

I'm now mid fifties and been with DH2 for 20 years. He definitely feels the same as me about children and we don't feel like we've missed out on anything.

We've been (and still are) happy with our animals and quiet house 😂

I'm like you, except that I've had two abortions. I have no moral objection to them but I was sick of them, so my husband had a vasectomy (one of my pregnancies was with him, the other from a previous relationship0

I think there's a difference between not super wanting children, and being actively child free. I've known a lot of women (and men!) who've been building their careers and been in a very 'not right now' mindset, who have then gone on to have children later in life. That is of course completely valid and is much better than people feeling pressured into having children just because. However, it is also very different from me and I suspect the OP could be like me. I have been childfree since I was a child myself. I knew that I didn't want children when I was twelve, and I have never once wavered from that. I have been told that I'll change my mind, that the childfree life is lonely and self centred, that I'll die alone. You name it, I've heard it. I don't care. I am 43 now and don't envy people with children one little bit.

Thank you for sharing! I also preferred teddies and animals - sounds like a common experience amongst us less maternal folks!

I had a similar experience as you in Europe. I recently went to a baby shower with lots of friends with young children and it was exactly the same - all the men sitting in one room having beers while the women were in another room managing their children looking frazzled and chaotic. These are the same men that wanted babies more too!

Lovely to hear your experience, it's good to know there are still childfree men out there post 30!

Never wanted kids, never had them, absolutely no regrets and am living the high life now in early retirement.

Having kids is definitely a vocation, for some not all.

I have plans made for the time when I might need care. Having kids is no guarantee that they will look after you anyway, nor should they be obliged to.

I am 51, married and childfree by choice. i met my now husband when I was 19 and we existed happily for 10 years together before we got married. We both discussed not wanting kids as soon as we worked out we were in it for the long haul and we have never wavered since. there was no rush to be married and we did it when we had the time and money to do it. we both work, are saving for retirement and travelling when we can. We go to gigs, away for weekends when we want etc. No-one knows what the future holds but i would never want to have children just to have them look after us in later life. Of course, life is never one long fairy tale but we are happy together and solid in our decision.

As a mother, I relate to the stories of women rushing around after children while men chill during social events. It is grossly unfair and selfish.

OP I would also say that many women who have children know they would have had as fulfilled a life (probably more so), had they not had them.

It is just still taboo to admit it.

Yes I agree and I'm more like you. I've never been maternal or liked children much, even as a child myself (never liked playing with baby dolls and preferred animal teddies etc). Not to get super political about it, but I do wonder how much of the 'you'll die alone' narrative is the patriarchy trying to pressure women into settling with mediocre men.

I would just point out that I am 54, have children, and go away for weekends and even week long solo trips by myself, go to the theatre ( my passion) and long walks/ cafe hopping.
Having kids does not necessarily preclude this.

It wasn't a moral objection, I just somehow knew I wouldn't see the it. I've got no objection in principle.

That depends on a lot of things. Just because you can doesn't mean everyone can. Someone with a high needs child probably couldn't do those things. A dear friend of mine is effectively trapped by her high needs son. She loves him dearly but he is A LOT. I couldn't cope with that.

I'm absolutely loving all the childfree women telling me they're in early retirement!!! What an inspiration. Are you in a particularly high-paying career? I'm in a corporate career which has the potential to be very high-paying at a senior level but not law / banking etc levels of wealth - I started over in my current career about 1.5 years ago and currently I'm on £50k so certainly room to grow in my 30s and beyond

I think a LOT of it is patriarchy (not men, necessarily. Most of the negativity I've faced has come from other women!)