Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

Look up Claudia Goldin and "Greedy Jobs"

A greedy job is a high-paying, high-prestige role—think finance, corporate law, consulting, tech, or executive management—that demands long, inflexible, and highly unpredictable hours

The modern dilemma:

• A couple can have both parents work greedy jobs and completely outsource childcare (which is emotionally and financially exhausting).

• They can have one parent work a greedy job while the other handles the domestic front (creating immense career resentment and leaving men acting like "duds" domestically).

• Or, they look at the entire exhausting landscape and choose the final alternative: they simply do not have children at all

And that's why you're facing this

Sorry, no answers for you.
I had kids
I tried the first option and burnt out
I tried the second option and have spent a lot time feeling resentful but now say fuck it

Thank you (both of you) for sharing both perspectives. Incidentally all the 35-40 something childfree women I see online all look about 10 years younger than I'd expect (probably because they don't have small children and a husband stressing them out and have the time/money to invest in their appearance!). Hopefully it's not all over for me in a few months!

Interesting, I'll take a look!

I would say I'm 3. If I met the love of my life I might consider 2. But I just don't think 1 is feasible. When I worked as a lawyer so many of the partners just had this army of nannies, cleaners etc running their domestic life and it just seemed incredibly exhausting!

Literally - you cannot make such a huge life altering decision for any man, it has to be entirely for you. A man could disappear anytime they want to. Even if they really genuinely want kids, it's not like they're guaranteed to be a good dad and share the load equally. With my ex, he desperately wanted kids, but when we got a cat he left the care to me 100% (I even had to get uber pet to the vets with her because he refused to give us a lift...) now imagine if I'd been stuck looking after his child for 18 years! 100% with you on the Shrek reference 😂

I completely agree that it's a patriarchal narrative, OP.

I am one of those people who was vehemently, decisively, actively childfree until I was about 33, then suddenly I changed my mind -- I couldn't even say why, it just came over me and now I'm in my third trimester! However, I am part of a close group of 6 friends who are all childfree and none of the others has ever changed her mind or wavered, so the idea that "you'll change your mind" is possible but certainly not probable. If anything I'm a bit worried my mates won't want to hang out with me when I'm a mum!

Im single and childless by choice.

Its peaceful blissful and wonderful.
No mess no dramas no school gate mum dramas.
Lay ins, no one interrupting me, spotless home.
Cheaper holidays.
Sleep with who i want no guilt.
no compromising, i can be selfish, up and go places on a whim.
Dont have to cook the list is endless.

My life turned out fantastic im 40 no regrets.

Exactly. On this forum alone we see thread after thread after thread from people who're devastated that their children don't give a shit about them in one way or another. The kids don't remember their parents' birthday let alone help them in their old ailing age. You definitely need to have kids only if you're prepared to do all the work for absolutely nothing in return, and be okay with it.

Hello from the fancy lounge of a lovely airport, OP. I’m off to Iceland to scale some glaciers. Currently sipping an aperol spritz, and looking at my very handsome husband who’s enjoying a beer.

Honestly, childfree life has been amazing for us and no regrets at all. We met young (I was late teens, he was early twenties) and neither of us ever wanted children. We’re married twenty years, very happy together and I think part of that is down to the fact that we actively choose to stay together every single day because we want to, not because we have to. I have plenty of friends and relatives in unhappy marriages who stay for the children. I grew up in an unhappy home with parents who stayed together for their children- I wish they hadn’t.

My post is probably coming across as quite smug (just because you asked!) but the life we’ve chosen has definitely been the best for us. No regrets at all, and wouldn’t change a thing if I had to do it over again.

Our life is great. Both in great health, no financial worries, I work four days a week and have loads of hobbies. Have pets and friends and family I love. Both have busy jobs and were senior in our respective organisations- the stress of not having to juggle work around childcare or crèche illness has not gone unnoticed. I manage a large team (90% women) and I see just how much falls to them (thankfully, we have a really flexible employer but it’s still such a huge juggling act, even with good partners).

I really feel for people feeling the cost of living crunch too. Got an email yesterday to say our electricity plan is going up by 8%. We’re lucky that we can afford that, and we have options to reduce electricity usage that people with young families don’t have. Seeing the price of everything increase when you have one or two incomes supporting a family is so tough on people.

I will say I fully believe that, if you take on a partner, they’re the person who will have the biggest impact on your life and happiness that you can control. Never settle for someone who doesn’t improve every single thing in your world.

The ones I know, who are dating successful nice men, or have married them.. just look like normal women of their age.
from my experience, the gym bunnies who are all botoxed and perfect looking attract each other.. they have shared interests. But most normal people are not like this…and most men are just looking for someone to connect with.. if they are perfect looking then they probably are looking for someone who cares about their appearance and is arm candy to them.. because this is what they are about, these people attract each other because they love this lifestyle of grooming and gym going. Most people do a bit of excercise and get their hair cut now and then and that’s about it.
the whole looking for a six 6 foot 2 man who works in finance bullshit is also bullshit.. some of my friends husbands work in finance and are wealthy, they are are ALL short and overweight and bald!

OP, I think you will be fine with option 3, and meet someone who wants option 3 too.
One question: do you have family and friends? One of the reasons I had kids is that my family is very scattered. I have also moved around a lot and live in London, so many friends have been very transient too. I didn't have tkids expecting them to do anything for me- and they are so busy with their jobs/ uni that i barely see them- but they do give me a sense of family. I only have one sibling who lives overseas, so in that sense it was worth having them.

If you are child free, I would advice you to invest in your friends and family, because partners can leave/die/ turn out rubbish. That said, many people don't feel the need for friends and family on MN! I do, though.

Absolutely diabolical about the cat!!! (Even if it weren't his cat I'd be judging him for not helping you out there.) Funnily enough it was getting the dog with my ex that helped me decide I didn't want kids with him. He loves her to bits and is great in that respect, but the amount of times he would just go and do his own thing and assume I was the 'default' parent who would be around to look after her!

Thank you! What made you change your mind? How did you broach this with your partner - was he also childfree or more open?

I'm trying not to feel too upset about breaking things off with this guy over the kids issue. Even if I do change my mind and eventually want kids like you, I think it's one thing to go into a relationship with someone who really wants kids in the next few years, vs going into a relationship with someone who is open and changing your mind naturally without pressure.

I want to frame this!! Your life sounds amazing (adopt me!)

I think the great thing about being childfree is that you have a lot more freedom when it comes to choosing a partner. You don't have to settle because you want children and your biological clock is ticking, nor do you need to stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids.

Thank you for this - I hope I meet someone who wants option 3 too.

I don't really have family (just my mum in London). I also think friends can be more transient than people think - for example a lot of my longstanding friends are now ditching me a bit because they've recently got married and had kids etc. There's a lot of 'I can't make your birthday because I'm prioritising my partner'. That's why I'm quite interested to hear if childfree people have met partners, as I think they are often more of a constant than people expect (but it's not guaranteed)

I think you're completely right. My DH was very on the fence about the whole thing, not bothered if we never had kids -- he would have quite liked them but knew it was up to me ultimately and wasn't a deal breaker for him.

I think you will be fine OP. I have cousin like you- never wanted DC, never changed her mimd she is 49. She has a lovely husband, a dog and a horse. I think you are very lucky if you either knew you always wanted DCs or knew you didn't. I think those who are on the fence are most likely to regret their choices.

I'm not your target group as I have 3 DC but I didn't want children when we first married or for 8 years. My DH would have been happy either way. I have several child free friends in very long marriages, they have more money and time to enjoy hobbies, been able to pay off mortgages, travel, work part-time, retire early.

Thank you for sharing, this has been a different perspective to most poster's on here so I really appreciate hearing this insight

That's because I'm from a working class background, and Mumsnet I think is a more of a middle-class space (or so I keep hearing).

I currently live in a rural area in the U.K, and for the last few years, have had a fairly decent but but unreliable job. The upside is that my income has been a bit higher than most people here who are on low wages and get by on seasonal work. Yet, as a single person, despite my big deposit, I can only afford the very bottom of the housing market, (and those houses are shit holes that required thousands upon thousands of pounds to renovate). That's not child related, but it could be what you'll face too if you don't have a partner.

However, for over a decade I've also lived and worked in some of the U.K's largest and prominent cities, so I have perspectives on both worlds. Some of the social aspects of what I've talked about is worse in the countryside. Like here, women seem to move absolutely everywhere that's social pairs or groups. Like they'll walk their dog alone or go shopping alone, but otherwise everyone here is always with someone. There are a few times I've been started at a little for going into a coffee shop by myself. It's not hostility, but I think going alone is viewed as quite embarrassing or social faux-pas. Certain things apply to the city too, such as the fact that statistically, you will be in a minority if you don't have children by the time you're 35, and that can still be alienating. That's not a case to have children, because mothers can suffer from a different type of loneliness and politics at the school gate, but I'm just showing what life can be like otherwise.

When I was younger, there was a period where I thought it was mainly due to my personality, interests, or lack of maternal feelings in comparison to other women (but I don't dislike children), but then I realised that other things, such as how I felt my relationship had such a bit influence on those feelings as well. There are other important factors, but I don't want to elaborate more on it than that because it's too outing.

I don't know if this is a reasonable fear or if I'm being disproportionately driven by childhood trauma

That's not an unreasonable fear. I think the main women who have found single motherhood ok, are those who had a very good income, were reasonably healthy, and had family networks close-by to give them a hand. For anyone else, it's very rough.

Never wanted Children, then realised after years of many surgeries would never be able to have them or it would have been very difficult. It mid 40's with my now husband over 20 years. Life has good mostly, the recession ( in 2008) hit us bad when younger, hurt my husbands business ( self employed) and i was made redundant or short term contracts, that was hard, never want to live it again. And i thank the lord that we didn't have kids at the time.
My mother wasnt that maternal and struggled financially as growing up, so i was like i am not going to live like that i value my freedom. I have a very good job now which in past involved alot of travel aswell as still requires long hours some days. But i also have a job with great flexibility, lots of holidays and a good salary, i dont know honestly if i would have that if had to take time out for children. My husband has also switched over to farming which i dont think we could have afforded to do if had children.
We are busy also have pets, but we love the fact we have our evenings and weekends to do what we want ( after all farming jobs done 😂) i can sleep in nap, have a shower in peace, house is kept reasonably tidy. We have plenty of nieces and nephews on either side, which we spoil and help out when can, there are childfree couples in our inlaws families too so its becoming more common. I have also since been diagnosed with long term chronic pain that causes extreme fatigue, which i dunno how i would cope with if i had children, i need scheduled rest breaks and my husband has had large surgery too that required long recovery, which i am glad am able to look after him.
I will say the only people i get judgemental comments or questions are women who have children, no one else, they say sure you cant be tired you dont have kids or how can you be so busy you don't have kids ect - Cause i cant have empathy or understand that everyone's lives are different. I also had one manager cancel my xmas holidays ( which he approved ) so another colleague who had children could have same time off - i quickly left that company.
I keep busy, i read alot of and am a telly addict, i walk my dogs alot, due to my illness had to drop hobbies, we can go abroad twice a year. I will say i have lost some friends though due to them having children, its like they forgot about me when had children, - yes i know life changes when have babies and i did make an effort with them, before anyone attacks me - but there is only so much giving, cancelling of plans etc you can deal with. Other friends haves stuck around and i am also involved in their children's lives which is nice. Will be honest didnt love the baby stage of nay my friends kids or nieces or nephews, love it when they get older, when you can talk bring them places have fun with them. Some of my husbands side are now mid 20's and its great to spend time with them as adults
I have no regrets, things happen for a reason and life is what you make of it, i am hoping to look at working part time by time mid 50's and want to travel more ( if i can )

I’m 34 so only a few years older than you. Met DH at work age 24, knew each other for a few years before actually getting together. I wasn’t completely off having kids at that point but it wasn’t something I was thrilled about. When we talked about it we both realised we had both thought it was something we would “have” to do because a partner would want to. That meant we were both entirely on the fence and made the decision together, really over a number
of years. He was fab at encouraging me to not assume it was something I had to do because of societies expectations and helping me unpick my feelings. I also realised that there were drawbacks to NOT having kids that would make me sad but actually that was less bad than having kids I didn’t want and regretting it. So we’re both open minded and have had lots of talk about it but we’re probably 90% in the not camp these days. My friends are all in the baby stages currently and it did make me feel the pressure but actually when we look at how hard it is, it’s made us more confident it’s not for us. DH has been incredible at helping me work through my feelings and it’s a process we’ve been through together, even though it was a more straightforward decision for him.

We’re both really career focussed and therefore have a high income. We’ve bought a house in a naice area and are gradually updating it to our taste. I’m doing a part time MBA. We have rescued two VERY high needs “special” rescue cats that need a lot more care than your average cat and they are the loves of our lives. We cannot imagine disrupting their lives with a baby, which probably says everything about whether we should have one or not! They also provide us with a mutual focus of our adoration!
We both love a lie in and a lazy day at the weekend. I help my parents care for an elderly grandparent (who I adore). Husband has a gaming hobby and I’m training for the NY marathon. Life feels full and busy and I can’t imagine finding the time for a child, nor do I want to compromise on any of those things to do so!

We also go on 2-3 luxury holidays a year- adventure trips rather than resort holidays. This year was 3 weeks in Alaska and we took (and treated) MIL. Next year is a road trip across Oman and a California road trip with my whole family!

In short, life is good and fulfilling. I’m busy! The part that concerns me is losing my elderly family and having no one left, so I’m careful to investment in my friendships and for the ones that have kids that involves embracing their kids too- I’m a “fun aunty” who is always happy to take a trip to the park, run around the splash park and buys cool presents.

Well apparently it costs between £190k and £290k to raise a child from birth to 18, and that's without factoring in the emotions like tantrums, sleepless nights, dramas and everything else that comes with having children...don't get me wrong i love mine and wouldn't change them for the world but to answer your original question i think your life would turn out just fine, you'd likely be richer, less stressed and you wouldn't have the worry of watching them navigate this fucked up world we live in 😂

I never considered a child free life, I remember what many have said, drama, exhaustion, lack of money/time etc etc however my grown up DS and DD are the most amazing humans to share my life with and whilst I don’t know what path I’d have taken had they not come along my life is definitely richer for their presence ❤️

That is not answering the question the OP posed. The thread is for those who decided NOT to have children.

Thread title "Women without children, how did your life turn out?"

You are absolutely right
Sorry for posting so many times.
Good luck, OP. Maybe move this to the child free forum?

Agree with past posts that due to your age you are still meeting lots of men who think they want kids, as they get a bit older and more of their friends actually have kids I imagine quite a few will change their minds!
I would say 35/40+ men will have a better idea of if they definitely want kids or not.
Lots of benefits for not having kids, you will meet your match and I'm sure have a great life together!