Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

I’m 50. Met my partner when I’d just turned 27 and he was 34.

We met through work so when we started seeing each other neither of us knew if the other one wanted kids or anything like that; there were no expectations. At that point I wasn’t wanting kids, but I had sort of assumed that there would soon come a point in my life where I started wanting them, if that makes sense? So when the subject cropped up in conversation all I was able to say was “I don’t want them now but I might in the future” and he said that as he was already mid-30s and had been single for a long time when we met, he was used to the idea of not having kids and would be fine with that, but would also be open to the idea if I wanted them in the future.

I never got to that point and when I said “I think I’ve realised I’m never going to want kids” he was actually a bit relieved.

Things have turned out great for us. We’re really happy and I love the lifestyle we lead. We do a lot of things we couldn’t have done with kids in tow. Our relationship has always felt totally complete exactly as it is; it never felt like there was anything missing.

Some of my friends have kids, some don’t.

The over 30 thing is bullshit. I know plenty of women who met their long term life partners over 30, over 40, my old boss just got married to her partner and she is 65 and just retired. They didn’t start dating until a few years ago.
of the women I know that met their partners later, some of the women are childfree, some have children, some are with partners with children, some not and quite a few met and married their partners and had their first children after age 40.
their partners come from all walks of life, one is a Lord, one is a roofer, one is a hedge fund owner, one a lawyer, one an electrician. All couples who met post age 35, When they were both older than 35.

I agree I see more sniping at the childfree and particularly at childfree women rather than childfree men. I have childfree female friends who I know have had lots of comments and questions, and scepticism I suppose from both men & women, that they will regret it, they will change their minds, they are making a mistake etc. Meanwhile one of my husband’s best friends is also childfree and has always been clear about not wanting children since we were just teens in school, he loves kids and is great with our children but he has never wanted his own and I’m not aware of him having ever received those same critical comments.

If you're talking about the type of dolls you put in prams, rather than Barbies, then I think a lot of that is to do with the fact that dolls aren't exactly super tactile are they? They're hard, unmoving, unblinking and rather boring. At least a teddy is soft, more like a pet, and I personally think it's normal for little children to not be interested in looking after babies when they are themselves children!

Flippin’ wonderful!! No regrets whatsoever!

I don't think that having children is going to make your life better if you're not on a good salary. Rather the opposite. In your case, not having children means that you are more free to move somewhere where you would fit in more, skill up, get a career change. You don't have to juggle childcare.

Fab thanks!

So we met when we were 25, married at 28. We're now 57, with no an ounce of regret.

We were told we'd regret it when we got older but that's never happenned.
Both work three days a week, tiny mortgage, and generally happy with our lot.

We have a lot of time to do our own thing, as well as together. Holidays outside school holidays, dog walks on beaches.

We did reconsider around late 30's but decided we were too selfish to give up what we had.

To be fair, being child free also doesn't mean early retirement, loads of travel etc, regardless of whether you have a partner or not.

Op, I would think there would be a fair few single men out there who are not set on
having children. None of my previous partners have particularly wanted children - they were mostly ambivalent, eg if you really want them, then we can think about it.

I’ve been married 35 years and did not have kids by choice as I had a high flying career and travelled the work, the only downside I noticed was that when you move location it’s hard to integrate in the community as lots of people connect around what they do with / for their children.

Yes, I can move more, but just think what that entails for someone in their mid-30s and beyond. It means settling, by yourself, in a totally different community and starting from scratch, with zero social support or infrastructure there. Imagine how lonely that it for someone coming back to an empty house at the end of a day working with strangers who are already setted in their lives. Because of how difficult the jobs market is at the moment, I'm having to consider move hours away myself to get a decent paying. Logistically, it's easier than doing that with children, but it doesn't somehow make me care free. Have some empathy.

Also, a career change is not that easy, even for someone who doesn't have children. It's becoming more common these days, but it's an incredibly tough employment market at the moment. Speaking from experience, a lot of employers seem to want very. very young people in graduate positions, not someone my age.

I don't lack empathy, I'm just pointing out that your situation isn't really because you don't have children.

I'm sorry you had to go through such a rough time but I'm glad you have a lovely life now. Can I ask what changed for you and how old you were if that's okay?

Just turned 60 and never wanted children, no regrets. I met my second husband when I was late 30s and he has children who are now grown up. I didn't really get involved with them and we have a good relationship now. I have zero regrets at not having my own. I have freedom, my money is mine to spend how I wish, no stress.

Oh society judges women no matter what. If you have children too young you're a feckless teen mother, if you have them too old you're selfish because you'll have no energy and won't live to see your grandchildren. If you prioritise motherhood over career you're vapid and have nothing else going on in your life, if you prioritise career over children you aren't present enough in your kids' lives. If you're too active in parenting you're a helicopter mum, if you aren't active enough you're neglectful. If you give them screens you're lazy, if you don't give them screens you're cutting them off from their friends. I could go on and on and on. Society will never be happy with mothers. May as well do what you want!

I was speaking to my (desperate to be a mum) friend about it. She said, 'If you knew your husband would leave you and you'd be raising your kids as a single mother, would you still have them?' For her the answer is a yes - the joy of having children is such that she'd be happy to do it alone. For me it's a resounding no!

I agree, I have kids and one thing I did consider was if my relationship broke down would I be ok with doing it all, and I was fine with that scenario. Not ideal but something you have to consider as it’s a very real possibility.

Thank you, this was a really helpful message to read. My friends are just pregnant / starting to have them now so I haven't seen the side of things that you describe as much, so it's useful to hear it from you. I also broke off my engagement because we couldn't agree on the kids issue, and it's scary starting over at 29 but I'm so proud of myself for putting me first. You know that scene in Shrek the Third where Shrek is having nightmares about screaming children? That was me!!

You're right, I'd feel so much resentment if I had them to please a man and it didn't work out. Things ended with the guy I was seeing (who I was considering having kids for) because we went out for lunch and he didn't pay. I was thinking - I'm literally considering whether you birth a whole human for you and you can't even put your hand in your pocket for Sunday lunch?! No chance!

Ditto except I'm 43. Met my husband in our sports club 10 years ago, we got married a few years ago and moved up to the Highlands to have a lovely outdoorsy chilled out life with our big garden and 3 dogs. We both work part time too and have several holidays a year. Don't regret a thing 😎

Mine fabulous thanks. I did meet a fabulous man in my fifties who already had nearly grown up kids and her I am 8 years later loving being a Nanna. Never had any regrets about not having my own children.

You're right! I'm glad people are talking about it more and that's why I wanted to make this post. There are going to be people with children that have tough unhappy moments and equally there will be childfree women who find it lonely at times. I think the important thing is to know what you're getting yourself into and go into it with your eyes open, rather than trying to curate a perfect life either way.

As a childfree woman, I do think there is a lot of vitriol towards mothers especially in my generation (Millennial/Gen Z). I definitely grew up in the 'Don't have kids you can't afford!!' era where women were pressured to prioritise their career over all else and SAHMs were made out to be lazy. Being career-minded works for me but I also think it's completely valid if you'd prefer to prioritise family life over the corporate grind. I think if there was more support for mothers we wouldn't have such a declining birth rate.

Go for it. I have a child but fully support young people’s desire not to. I’m sure you will find a like minded soul to share your life with - or many souls.

Thank you for sharing. I think the irreversibility of it is the scariest thing - you never quite know how you will find parenthood (even if you really wanted them) it's a huge change to your life and one you can't undo. I saw this really harrowing video of a mother who was struggling with postpartum and she said that she grieves the life she used to have.

What made you lose your sense of self? Was it just having to prioritise another person's needs completely over your own?

I am 42 and never wanted children. Never regretted it for a second and am enjoying my life with DH.

Thank you for sharing, this has been a different perspective to most poster's on here so I really appreciate hearing this insight. Could you tell me a little more about your life? What kind of job do you work in and where do you live?

I think this is why so much of my post has focused around whether people found a childfree husband or not. I think a childfree marriage sounds great but being single and childless could be really lonely. A big part of it is the social aspect you describe. I'm only 29 but already I feel like my friendships with other women are crumbling as they inevitably focus on their partners and children and don't really take an interest in me anymore.

Oh also, when you say 'understand the reasons driving that aversion', what do you mean?

I'm actually going to go to therapy to try and work this out. I think some of my reasons for not wanting children are just that I love sleep, freedom and quiet but some are things like e.g. I was raised by a single mother and I'm scared of that happening to me. I don't know if this is a reasonable fear or if I'm being disproportionately driven by childhood trauma!