DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

I'm sure the reasons for your separation are much more complex than the cheating so it wouldn't be right to blame DH entirely anyway, but DS2 needs to know what DS1 already knows. If he doesn't tell now, he will at some point, even if it's when they're adults, and finding out you've been lied to throughout your childhood, that "everyone" else knew, is highly destabilising. You can do that without "blaming" DH for everything.

I would be honest at that age if one knows. I hope it goes well x

Honestly, I think DS 2 needs to know. It’s not fair on the eldest to expect him to keep this secret. At ten he’s old enough to understand what’s happened if explained in simple terms.

I would say cats already out of the bag!
Tell the children about marriage rules and promises. If the eldest brings it up, you’ll have to acknowledge but not elaborate. You can say that adult lives sometimes get very complicated and confusing( personally I wouldn’t!) . Stick to the facts about what is going to happen moving fot

Totally unfair and potentially very damaging if you dont let your younger DC know.

Agree

If DS2 find out everyone kept this from him, it is natural to then thing what else does he not know

Destabilising is a good word for it, and you would do harm, despite trying to do good.

You are massively overthinking this in my opinion.
Mum and dad are separating and dad has found someone else he likes to spend time with.

Isn’t the way to avoid a toxic blame game for your STBXH to man up and shoulder the responsibility for his actions?

I agree with this approach. You can say you weren’t getting along and dad met someone else.

echo chamber but yes, tek ds2. it doesn't have to be gratuitous, just factual. is DH going to be with the new person? DS1 needs his brother, he needs to talk about the stuff he can't talk to you about - maybe not for years but at some point. it isn't fair on either of them. the burden of a secret. the pain of being excluded from it.

DC1 should not be expected to keep his father's secret.

When my DCs' dad got himself into an EA, we were in the same situation due to his dumbass arrogance and thoughtlessness. I had strongly advocated not telling the DC in order to preserve their relationship but DC1 finding out forced the issue. It would have been hugely detrimental to DC1 to be asked to keep a secret from DSib. And for what? Facing up to the disappointment and contempt of our DC was the fruit of what he'd sown, in the end. He had to take it on the chin.

Also, presumably as far as DC1 is concerned atm, DH is to blame for everything, which is probably not the case, and not helpful for their realtionship, and therefore DS1's MH, going forward. So you need to find a more balanced version of events for him too.

ErrolTheDragon · Today 08:18
"Isn’t the way to avoid a toxic blame game for your STBXH to man up and shoulder the responsibility for his actions?"

Absolutely this, op your husband needs to pull up his big boys pants and tell the truth to your boys. You all need to be there so that you can support your children.

I wouldn’t be saying you weren’t getting along unless that was the case. I’m not taking responsibility for his infidelity!

I’d say that unfortunately Dad has found someone else that he wants to be with and so you can’t stay married anymore, but that the two of you will work as hard as possible to make the changes as easy as you can on both boys.

I was asked to keep a secret from my sister by my parents about their relationship (not infidelity, just that they were considering separating) when I was 12 - I have never forgiven my mother (who engendered the situation I was then asked to keep quiet about) and I am 50!

Also why the fuck should the op take any responsibility for her husbands infidelity???

Thank you for all the points, the destabilising is a very good point. It’s not so much that “daddy met someone else” and so can’t really go with the “Daddy found someone he likes to spend more time with” line, it’s more of a “daddy apparently has a sex addiction and has been using DTF apps for years, whilst the wife thinks she’s in a seemingly happy marriage” kind of thing! Saying this, I still want to keep it all even, so that they don’t hate their dad, but I need to work out what to say to them both.

This sounds really hard to navigate, sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Since you are already planning therapy, maybe think about having this conversation with a family therapist? might take the pressure off you as well.

She doesn't. But it would be very unusual if that was the only thing wrong in their marriage.

The onus is on him to work out what to say! Can he find an age appropriate way to explain his problem to your 10yo?

Is dad staying with the new woman?
Were there relationship problems before the cheating?

You need to explain what is actually happening. They're old enough to understand marriage is choosing to be with one person only. And they are old enough to understand cheating is wrong.

DS2 needs to know what DS1 knows. And you also need to be honest about what the relationship was like beforehand. If there was lots of arguing then you tell them that, if you were happy then you tell them that.

If he's staying with her they're going to meet her at some point, they should know that.

But you end it with , mum and dad aren't going to be husband and wife, but you'll still be their mum and dad and they're not to get involved or take sides in your relationship.

I think you should let your husband explain why you are divorcing so that you aren't lying to your child. Let him answer their questions first.

but I need to work out what to say to them both

No! @SouthernHemi this is for your husband to shoulder. He has to explain to the children why you're divorcing.

But that's your view of the marriage ending. The kids don't need to know that. It won't help them to know. They only really need to know that Dad has met someone else (they don't need to hear about all the other 'someones'). Keep it simple and straightforward. They will have friends whose parents have had the same thing happen.

Just the facts, which are Daddy met someone else, that breaks the promise he made when he married Mummy so you have to divorce.

Definitely tell DC2, as it’s not fair to ask DC1 to keep the secret and put him in the middle of stuff.