DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

My parents are divorced. My DCs asked why at a similar age, and since everybody knows, I gave them an honest answer—that Granny and Grandpa were married to each other, but Granny also had another boyfriend. Grandpa didn’t agree to that, so they decided to not be married to each other anymore.

OP, it's entirely possible for marriage breakdowns to be entirely down to one spouse. Even if there have been dissatisfaction, frictions or disagreements, one spouse can still be the one who steps over the line and they're the one who 'broke the family', not the spouse who says "That's one step too far."

Addiction, in whatever form, is not the fault of a spouse. This is on him, not you.

Yes, indeed. It's far too simplistic to say that he's only betrayed/let down his wife, and that he hasn't done anything wrong for his children.

The marriage/adult relationship are the bedrock of the family. His choosing to smash that to pieces will negatively affect everybody in the family, even if some of them are too young to fully appreciate that yet.

He's also taught his children that marriage - and the promises that are made - are not serious, and are only a 'placeholder' until you find somebody else whom you think you like better.

These young lads learn crucial lessons from their father modelling how a grown-up man should act, and he has betrayed them massively in this. When they grow up, do they somehow manage to learn from somebody else that this is very wrong; or do they follow the example of their dad and maybe model it to their own sons in perpetuity?

The news last month was full of the tragic consequences of the actions of young men who had never been taught right from wrong - maybe even been actively schooled in choosing what was wrong by their parents. How can we seriously expect our children to magically learn A when we go out of our way to model and teach B to them?

Just keep it as simple as possible. There's no point in blaming your dh as they still need a relationship with their dad.

From your post, you say that apart from his behaviour, to put it mildly, that you thought that you had a happy marriage so it doesn't sound like you were regularly arguing etc? So it's not even as though you can say that you weren't getting on and then daddy found someone else.
You should both be there together to tell them and have a conversation beforehand about what you will and won't say.
I'd probably say that sometimes people don't always feel that same as they did when they get married and so don't always want to stay married. You could add that daddy has met another person that he may or may not want to be with later on.
Its so tricky. When they're older, they'll realise for themselves anyway. At the moment, being that they're so young, it's not fair for them to have take sides (a huge responsibility)or see their dad in a bad light. It would be different if their dad was a danger to them directly.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you strength. The conversation will probably go a lot easier than you expect.

I divorced when my son's were 17 and 11, the affair had been going on for 4 years, they both suffered damage which became obvious later in their lives. It was the secrecy of the years before the divorce which damaged them, the older one knew, and thought I didn't, the younger one was confused by the fact that the affair partner was his friends mum, and his life was manipulated to suit them. However, the fact that their father was, and is, deceitful and careless of their feelings was an ongoing problem, even after divorce, so trying to pretend that there is no blame is pointless. The best course of action will involve the truth, not in detail obviously.

Truth is different to blame.

Did you think everything was fine in your marriage until you discovered your H had been shagging random women for years?

Had there ever been any discussions between the two of you about problems in your marriage?

Would you have stayed happily married if H hadn't done this? (Or at least, if you still didn't know).

What has DS1 actually found out?

What you tell DS2, and DS1, depends on the answers to these questions.

My ex cheated, but tbh there is always more to it than that. When my DS was a teen I did tell him that but was clear there are two sides etc.

I would focus on you not getting on anymore/ not loving each other in same way, still being dedicated as parents etc

My DC were 18, 16 and 8 when I got my divorce. Eldest had found out her Dad cheated as overheard a conversation he had with OW. She told her brother who was 16. I told them I wanted divorce because Dad was going to live away from us which was true. He then moved in with OW which lasted all of 3 months. I struggled more when exh told 8 year old he wanted to come baybut Mummy wouldn't let him. I have never forgiven exh for that.

I 100% agree. But if the OP wants the children to have a good relationship with their father she needs to separate his betrayal for THEM. They need to know that they are loved and that they can go on loving their dad no matter what he has done to their mother.

You can just say that 2 people can love each other but want different things in life.

You and DH have decided that you both want different things which makes you incompatible and you’ve both decided you’ll be happier if you live separately - but you’re still friends etc

Its not a lie but it also doesn’t drag them into the middle of your marriage problems.

They may either ask no questions or none.
Even if you you’d the truth it’s still possible to get the ‘why’ questions even if you’ve answered everything because they’re just trying to comprehend it.

I think it’s really important to not blame each other, put them in the middle and say how you and him will still be good friends and there are no hard feelings etc.

If ds1 knows about dad's infidelity, unless you've sworn him to secrecy (which you absolutely shouldn't have as it's not his to hide) then I'd be surprised if the first thing out of his mouth when you sit them both down to tell them isn't "is this because dad shagged someone else?" or words to that effect.

This. They are old enough to interpret that for themselves (or will do as they get older and they might have questions later) and they will talk between themselves anyway-the older will tell the younger what he knows. In DH’s case his ex wife told their DC that ‘her and Dad split up because dad was angry that she kissed a few boys’. They were 6 and 7 at the time and accepted that and if anything blamed DH for the split. Now they are 13 and 14 they have started to realise what happened and ask questions-so you may need to be prepared for that, it’s not just a one and done conversation usually.

You cannot let the person who does not have the capacity to take responsibility for his behaviour in relationships take responsibility for telling his son about it because as above he does not have the capacity for taking responsibility in relationships.

I agree with the suggestions that say “for his own adult reasons Daddy was not happy keeping the promises adults make when they get married and I’m not happy about that so we have decided to split up. We both still love you very much and will still be your parents but we won’t be in a relationship with each other.”

I would say the vast majority of those cheated on would be unable to swallow their pride and take the course of action that's best for DC.They prioritize their own pain and the main goal is to ensure DC side with the parent that was betrayed.

I think, at their ages, whilst it is important not to demonise or actively set them against their dad, it is also grossly unfair to deny them their anger at their father for his betrayal of their mum and of the family as a whole.

Dismissively telling them to run along and forget daddy's 'little oopsie' would only be gaslighting them. They can still love him as their dad whilst despising those nasty selfish choices that he made.

Two things can be true here -

1. It's not right to ask a child to keep a secret like this;
2. It's not right to blame your husband for a divorce.

There are lots of suggestions on this thread about both issues, but you seem keen to make sure that the children know it's 'his fault'. I don't think that's helpful.

When I got divorced, I remember someone telling me that the children's father would always be 50% of them, and I needed to make sure that they never hated that 50%. Talking respectfully of each other in these conversations, and both taking responsibility, is important.

The other issue is that IMO children don't give a shit about reasons for a divorce - and nor do most family/friends. Your life dramas are only important to the two of you!

Your husband is the one that’s fucked everything up, so it’s up to him to tie himself in knots explaining to the children what to say.
Of course he can run it by you first so that you’re both united in how to handle it and it’s age appropriate etc.
What exactly does your eldest child know and how did he find out?

‘Daddy is a vile lying cheating scumming worm who can’t keep promises and would rather be balls deep in some random vagina than spend time with his family. Please don’t grow up to be like him as I will disown you’ ?

Or something like that?

I actually think that the idea that lying to children and not giving them a version of actual reality is in the long run more damaging for the children. If their father is an addict then that will absolutely have impacts for them in their future lives which they will not be able to process because someone somewhere has decided it is best to keep things from children. There are age appropriate always to introduce difficult realities to children so they can process actual events not a life long fantasy about a parent.

It's not 'blaming' if one person broke the promises and the other didn't. That's not blame, it's fact and accountability.

In your shoes, my priority would be ensuring that DS1 does not feel that he's been burdened with a secret which could potentially blow up his relationship with his brother in the future. A 12yo shouldn't have to carry that responsibility (or of his father's extra-marital shagging that was so indiscreet that your child knows)

I think the important thing here is to not treat this as one conversation that has to cover everything.

Start with something to do with the big picture and let the news of you separating sink in. In the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards fill in the finer details in an age appropriate way. Try not to bombard them with information on the day where their life changes. Let them both know that you are open to questions and will do your best to answer them in an honest and balanced way.

He absolutely should be the one to explain himself; but unfortunately, in leaving it to him, you're expecting a proven liar not to lie again - about the exact same thing that he lied about before.

I would be concerned that he would seek to 'justify' himself by minimising his actions and/or trying to apportion the blame equally between them.

It does though doesn't it? Their lives are on a different path now and will invariably be more difficult, no matter how well the adults handle it.
He needs to take responsibility for that, his boys need to see him take responsibility for it.
This is far healthier than pretending that the split only affects the OP. It doesn't.

This is a really good point. They are about to go into a grieving process acknowledge that and deal with the various stages as they come up and keep communication open.

Maybe it’s different for sons, but if I’d found out later that my dad had done that to my mum I would never have spoken to him again and I’d have been furious that I’d been tricked into maintaining a relationship with him.