DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

I agree but don’t think he sounds like the brave sensible integrity type of guy

The central problem in these situations is that children are suddenly faced with a huge shift in their understanding of the world. They now realise that adults can change their minds on who they care about. And since children refer everything to themselves they have no way of knowing when one or both parents might decide that they too are surplus to requirements. It is a seismic shift in their foundations.
Getting this right for children is a massive challenge and I take my hat off to those who manage to navigate this with minimum damage to the children.

The you get some needs to know, he is old enough to be able to understand that when you get married you promise that you won't have any other girlfriends or boyfriends, Daddy breaks that promise by getting a girlfriend , and that means you can't live together any more.Mummy didn't know about the girlfriend until now. He is still your Daddy and loves you, that doesn't change and you will still see him. It's nothing that you or your brother has done, so don't think that.

In my opinion, STBXH is the one who cheated and he needs to take responsibility for speaking to his children about it, including an acknowledgement that his actions are the catalyst for the divorce and an apology. His behaviour should not become your dilemma! Secondly, have you considered couple therapy? Even if you do not want to stay together, it can help to maintain a good parental relationship through this crisis and beyond.

You can’t force the situation so they have a good relationship with them. You can’t protect them so that it will just be like you don’t want to be on the same house anymore.

He acted in a crap way, one that affects his dcs too. It’s ok for your dcs to chose NOT to have a good relationship with him.
And saving his relationship with his dcs is his work, his responsibility. Not yours.

Just as much as it’s clear you want to protect them from more hurt, the only thing you can do is stay neutral about him. Fact based. The rest they will decide on their own. Based on what he did. Based what he will do. You can’t protect them from the consequences of his behaviour. Unfortunately 😢😢

No advice, just wanted to say what a w@nker your stbxh is. You and your kids deserve better. What a piece of sh#t he is. Genuinely. Wishing you and your kids the best. X