DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

What about saying that "we have issues between us that we are finding difficult to resolve".
I would help to know how much DS1 knows

Really? You don’t think cheating is enough? Let’s not blame the DH entirely though eh? This smacks of ‘OP it’s your fault he cheated’ fuck that.

Don’t over complicate this.

just say mummy and daddy are splitting up, we both love you very much and that won’t change, we will make sure you spend time with both of us and get the best of both worlds, we will answer any questions you have.

we stopped being in a romantic relationship and become more like friends, daddy has met someone else, but it is not serious, nothing to be bothered by, the important thing is we love you both and will continue to be loving parents,

From the ops perspective yes it’s enough, but when people cheat and a marriage ends, the poster is right, there is often more of a back story in terms of the health of the relationship otherwise both would fight for it, or the cheating wouldn’t have happened,

@SouthernHemi reading PPs, I agree you need to be careful in saying that it's you that wants daddy to leave. Your youngest may then blame you for the family splitting up. A pp had mentioned marriage having rules. Maybe say the rules mean you're not allowed to stay together?
How much does your DS1 know, how did he find out? Has he been asking questions? You might find he's already told his brother.
I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation, im guessing it's blown your world apart! 💐

Please get yourself booked in for a sexual health check.💐

or the person who cheated is a selfish twat who didn’t think much of their marriage vows, still nothing to do with the OP and all to do with the DH, he made a choice, he is the one to blame for the breakdown of the marriage.

Oh dear. Let’s blame the faithful women for the mens cheating. Obviously always the woman’s fault a man can’t keep his dick in his trousers. Fuck sake. Depressing nonsense again.

What a crock of shit. You could be in a good relationship and the other will still be shagging another. It’s been proven over the years. OP isn’t at fault here he is. 100%

No, don't say woolly things like this.

Children often try to take responsibility for their parents' happiness.

This might have the children wondering whether they should be helping their parents resolve the issues, or whether the issues might be the children themselves.

Or might lead to the children resenting both parents for not trying harder to resolve the issues.

Something honest, simple and final is much cleaner for the children to deal with.

I don’t have anything to add to what’s already been said as I agree the truth should be told to DS2 in a not-to-graphic way. I do want to say how sorry I am you are going through this though. You are clearly a lovely Mummy to be thinking of your boys at this time when some people would be very quick to throw their DH under the bus so to speak. The fact you’re researching the best way to address this with them tells me you are a wonderful person who deserves better. I hope you find happiness.

I don't think you can control whether your children hate or blame your husband, you can't control their emotions and it's not reasonable to do so.

I don't think you should bad-mouth their dad, but you could say marriage is like playing a game with rules, and dad broke some of those rules and now I don't want to be married to him any more.

I don't think you can micro-manage this stuff, I hated my dad when he had an affair and left my mum, now I'm happy about it as she's with a better partner and over the years I've continued a reasonable relationship with my dad (who never gave up despite a lot of hostility towards him).

I think allowing children to experience their own feelings is important, I wish I'd done that more with mine rather than try to control information that they then found out about anyway, in a different context relating to serious illness. I've started to think being a bit blunter and honest from the start is better than coded phrases children don't understand and that uncertainty creates anxiety as they don't know what's going on.

But true.

OP specifically says 'Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity' in the OP.

This sounds age appropriate for a 10 year old. The 12 year old is probably a little more knowing but hopefully will be mature enough to keep quiet.
Maybe both tell them together. Some people may think it's husband's job to tell them but you obviously want to be therevfor your babies.
Good luck OP. Such a hard time for you. I hope you manage to put your children's needs first but it is going to be hard sometimes to bite your tongue.

My DC are older, but I had a situation where dc1 knew (she saw some messages) and dc2 didn't. Dc1 told him.

I kept that out of the we're separating conversation, and focused that on we had both decided that we didn't want to live together anymore but you two remain our priority.

In your position, after the we're separating conversation, I would let dc1 know that I was going to tell dc2, so that he isn't alone with this info. Then tell dc2 in as factual, simple as way as possible - dad has met other women, so we can't be a couple anymore sort of thing.

Dc2 is old enough to put 2 and 2 together, and it will probably be a relief that he can ask qus of you and doesn't have to keep secrets from his brother.

I don't agree with you that if someone cheats, the person being cheated on is always partly to blame too.

I think it depends a lot on what dc1 knows.
Because if ‘its daddy is very friendly with OW’ that’s one thing.
If it’s ’IVe even daddy snogging OW’ Thars another one.
If it’s ’someone to,d dc1 daddy is having an affair and is in love with OW’ then it’s another story altogether.

@SouthernHemi have you talked to dc1 about what he knows and how he feels about it?

Also, I think you need to be careful to not assuming ‘not blaming exdh’ with ‘never saying a bad word, or anything that could constructed as such, about dh’.
It’s totally ok to oresent your dcs either way facts. If the facts themselves aren’t shinning a good light on him, Thars not you blaming him or badmouthing him. That’s him bring him and your dcs drawing conclusions.
Don’t protect your exdh at all cost. Your dcs deserve to be able to judge him too, to have negative feelings etc…if they are, indeed, a reasonnable reaction to his actions.

I agree with PP; the main thing is what DS1 actually knows?
Anything that fudges that or doesn't acknowledge that risks it being thrown back in both your faces - maybe even when you're having the talk, in which case it blows up in front of DS2. If he just knows Dad was on Apps, then the lines about "there being rules in marriages and one of them was broken" are fair. But if he's seen graphic examples of Dad's behaviour, then I think there needs to be a separate discussion on that - albeit maybe not with DS2 there, but it can't be ignored. He's 12, so early secondary; I'd guess he knows and understands a lot more than you probably think or would like to think.

Also remember this is not a one-off conversation; it will come back time and time again in the early days and much, much later as the kids grow up. So the first conversation can be quite neutral and factual, delivered by both of you, but what follows on is less controllable. On the kids' side, some of that may be driven by what the reality of the divorce is for you all. Because if divorce will mean a new house, potentially a new school, or a significant change in standard of living, then yes, Dad's cheating has fundamentally impacted the kids' lives and they are going to have strong feelings on that. Likewise, you can't control what exDH will say later, or what the kids will pick up. I took the stance of never bad-mouthing but always being honest- albeit age-appropriate. They knew if they had a question or something weird happened when they saw their dad, they could look to me for transparency, and that meant a huge amount as they got older.

if DS1 already knows, then you're going to have to be honest with DS2 or they'll get a completely different version from DS1
Good Luck

Rest assured that whatever DC1 tells OP, he will talk to his DB about this in time if nobody else does. The two of them are fast reaching the age when sibling and peer relationships will mean far more to them than those with "Mummy" and "Daddy". Btw they're 12 and 10, not 2 and 1. "Not allowed to stay together cuz 'rules'?" Like they're going to swallow that. 🤷‍♀️

DS2 needs to know what DS1 already knows. - this indeed. There needs to be no discrepancy in what one child knows as opposed to the other. It will cause endless trouble if this is not out in the open in an age appropriate form.

Hard disagree. If you cheat on the mother you are choosing to damage your children and their lives. Loving your children means treating their mother with love and respect, since the mother is vital to their own wellbeing.

I think its absolutely fine to tell children that you can't answer every question about what went on between you, because some things are private, but that you'll answer every question that relates to them and their lives. Because there's wanting to know and needing to/ having a right to know. And no one, not even our children have the right to every aspect of our private lives.
You situation however has been fundamentally changed by the fact one child does know. So in this case, I think the other one also should know. Ideally their dad should explain it to them. But if he won't, then calm and factual is the way to go.
Dad had an affair. I don't want to be married to him anymore because its important to me that married people don't do that.

I think due to DHs stupidity you unfortunately can't take the optimum road. You dont want secrets or tensions between the brothers...

It's not about blame per se but your dh needs to be clear his bad choices hurt mummy, and he is responsibile for the marriage ending.

The "not blame" imperative is very hard. And unrealistic.

Clearly "Your Dad is a total loser who has been betraying me and I hate his guts" is not the best route to go down.

But ...... "Your Dad has found other/another partner/s and, whilst this is not what I want, I have to accept that this is what has happened and look at how we can make a new arrangement work for all of us. I am sure that whatever happens your Dad still loves you both and you know for sure that I love you very much and will always want to do what is best for you." ... states the facts without the slagging off element (however tempting that might be).