DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

I’m sorry you are going through this. Realistically your older son will, sooner or later, tell the younger one, so better you do it. Really this should come from your shit-for-brains ex, but at least if you do it, or you do it together, you can control the narrative. However, I’d be careful how magnanimous you are, and how much fudging you do - they’ll remember and it won’t necessarily help - they probably already know and understand more about your relationship than you, or they, would like.

But you've basically said twice now that his cheating probably isn't the only reason for marriage breakdown, when in actual fact it could be 100% the only reason for the marriage breakdown. My point wasn't about what OP should tell her kids it was about you making assumptions about OPs marriage.

Never lie to the kids. Age appropriate and all that but they are about to have their lives disrupted and they need to know that at least you can be trusted. Think about all the wondering you went through trying to make sense of your husbands behavior. Don’t do that to the kids. Please.

couldn't agree more

You need to remember that honesty and blame are different things.

You can tell them the truth without using it as an opportunity to vent about how awful their dad is/ turn them against him - that is the part which is really damaging.

Yes, this.

You could say, "Daddy likes to have girlfriends, and you can't really do that at the same time as being married."

You probably need to clarify, perhaps later, that this is the "having-sex-with type of girlfriends" not just "friends who are girls". Because you don't want your children to start feeling bad about their own friendships with the opposite sex.

Having lived the lies of childhood that eventually work their way out . I think you’ve already realised that not telling DS2 would be a monumental fuck up on your part when you have currently done nothing wrong.

Also the truth is not blame the truth is the truth. How they react to the truth is personal to them . You sound like a good mum but don’t let your want for them to not hate you dickhead ex to affect your relationship with your boys .

Experince tells me that they will unfortunately progressively realise what a selfish thoughtless cunt his is .

I'm not sure what to advise, but I just wanted to post to say well done for being so considerate of your DCs - you're very thoughtful and it's great that you're making sure you do the right thing for them.

Absolutely. This ‘advice’ not to ‘blame’ is toxic in my view. What happens is that some DC then blame their DM for wanting to leave their DF, or making him leave. There doesn’t need to be any ranting or unpleasant comments, but the DC should know that DF has had/is in a relationship with another woman and so we are divorcing. I see no reason why that should not be known to DC of this age. They are bound to find out at some point anyway.

STBXH should have the decency to tell them.

why are you so keen to put responsibility and blame on the OP? Well, it sounds like there is blame beyond the DH - the people who make whatever apps it is he’s using, chances are porn too feeding a negative part of his character.

To avoid the blame game, could you ask DS1 to tell DS2 what he knows?

OR

Ask STBXH to explain the reason for the breakdown of the marriage (with you present of course)?

Or even worse, they blame themselves.

You need to separate YOUR relationship with their dad with their relationship with their dad. Their dad has let YOU down through infidelity but he loves his children very much and this has nothing to do with them.

“I don't want to be married to Mum any more; I have found other people I prefer. And Mum doesn't want to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with her."

I think this is a really good way of putting it.

I would probably want to find some way of adding that in a marriage this is wrong, people should not just find other people they prefer. Because you don’t want your boys thinking that is an acceptable thing to do. But I don’t know how you do that neutrally. Maybe it’s something they work out for themselves.

What exactly did the 12 year old see/ hear? Does he know you’re divorcing because of it? Was it him that alerted you to the cheating?

I had a friend who found her dad was cheating (she found naked photos of a women in his work documents) and although her situation had an awfully tragic outcome she lived with so much guilt that it was her fault. If he was the one to tell you he may need some additional support to not feel to blame.

Surely there's a nuance to this? You don't have to go in all guns blazing 'blaming' somebody, and shouting what a terrible person they are and how much you hate them; but you can calmly acknowledge that their actions were what led to the consequences.

I also think that, if one/both of the children were very little, you would tread more carefully, as at pre-school age, they are used to being disciplined frequently for bad behaviour when they don't yet really have the capacity to make better and wiser behavioural choices; and they may not be able to reconcile that adults DO have that capacity and are expected to use it or take the consequences - and so worry that they may be sent away to live with another family if they are naughty. 10 & 12 are way beyond that, though.

I’m a bit concerned if they say dads met girlfriends and mummy doesn’t find that acceptable then it becomes mums fault they can’t stay together. Dad will sit back and let that play out and again walks away unscathed.

He has let the whole family down though, the boys lives will be very different as a result of his actions. He didn’t have the best interests of the family unit in mind when he went off cheating. Not that I think you can word it like that for the children but I disagree that it’s something that can be separated.

That is absolutely not something that should be put on the shoulders of a child! How inappropriate.

The adults need to adult and explain it with honesty. If Dad comes out looking bad for choosing to cheat, he has to be an adult about his choices and own them.

I agree with the PP that honestly and blame aren't the same thing. You can keep it simple and factual without focusing on blame.
For mum, being in a relationship with one person is important. For dad, being able to have a choice, or more than one relationship is important. There are different types of relationships and for two people to be in a relationship together they both need to want the same type, and because you want different things thats why it's best to separate.

But his choices ARE the cause of it. Would you really have OP saying "Daddy chose to ignore his firm promises and betrayed and lied to Mummy by starting a full-on relationship(s) with another woman/women behind her back... but Mummy has used up the last of the milk and forgotten to go and buy some more a couple of times - so we're both equally to blame for the breakdown of the marriage" ?

But that doesn’t tackle the issue of DC1, but not DC2, knowing the real reason.

Since one child knows, the other one needs to know too. Maybe DC2's older sibling has already told them anyway, but you shouldn’t put one child in the position of feeling they have to keep a secret and the other in the position of being deceived - they will find out eventually and be resentful.

I don’t see how it can be done without some blame, e.g. "We thought we would only ever want each other as a partner, but Daddy changed his mind."

This sounds way more complicated than you first implied. If your STBXH is using apps to shag around how does your DS1 know this? That sounds quite worrying in itself. You can’t ask DS1 to keep a secret like this and you can’t pretend that it’s ok that he knows this stuff and that this is all part of life’s rich tapestry so nothing to see here. What does your STBXH have to suggest about explaining this mess?

You tell them both at the same time. You explain that dad is still their dad and loves them as much as he always has done. But dad doesn’t love mum anymore so you are getting divorced. Keep it simple.

(it could be worse OP my dad had a second family when we were told)

What does your shitty stbxh propose to say to his children? Is he mature enough to tell the boys in an age appropriate way, why he has chosen to break up his family?

It's not your job to tie yourself in knots to make sure they like their Dad. Let him worry about that. Don't bad mouth him but don't cover for him either. Be honest (in an age appropriate way). They're entitled to have feelings about it.