DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

Don’t make your ds1 keep a secret and don’t let ds2 find out from someone else in the future.

What exactly does ds1 know? I’m assuming that he doesn’t know that stbxh has a sex addiction?

Thank you so much for the kind and supportive posts, especially those who have shared their experiences, they’ve really helped. I now feel in a better place to have this heartbreaking conversation with them. I will make STBXH explain the reasons why to them so he is accountable for his actions (after he’s had some serious coaching on the words to use etc, his emotional maturity is somewhat lacking, so I don’t trust him to be able to do this without guidance), but I will interject if needed.
To be clear, I was never going to make DS1 keep the secret. That would be an awful lesson to teach him. I was just unsure when and how we should reveal it to DS2. I also completely agree that if nothing else, this will show the children that breaking the rules in a marriage has serious consequences and that you don’t get to just fuck around and also keep your wife and children at home.
Also, to confirm, I am 100% filing for divorce because he has been having sex with literally hundreds of women behind my back, for years. He kindly used condoms at least, so all tests came back clear. And finally, I am taking zero blame for his behaviour, the post that suggested otherwise gave me a giggle, so thank you for those too.

Hundreds??? Oh my God. That is shocking.

You can still transmit some diseases even if you use a condom. HPV is very easily spread and some strains can be deadly for women, especially if they're caught late, as they can lead to cancer. Unforgivable. I really feel for you OP.

I'm not sure if I would categorise it as a sex addiction though. So many women pathologise men to make their behaviour easier to process in some way, and it somehow makes them a victim of some kind of illness when they don't deserve it.

He's just highly unsuited to having a monogamous relationship, clearly. The really awful part in these scenarios is the fact that they're not willing to be faithful to one person....but they fully expect their wives to be whist they shag around.

One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere.

Too late for that. All you can do now is model disappointment rather than anger in your husband's behaviour.

Explain that daddy has a new girlfriend and you can't have a wife and a girlfriend at the same time and so he has to leave

Jesus hundreds?!?!?!

On your behalf I wish him no luck no peace and no happiness....

I hope he is crying into his unwashed duvet in some shitty rental in 5 months time while you thrive... 💪

I'm so sorry, OP, that's horrific. What a disgusting piece of shit he is. Tbh if I were you, he would be dead to me. I wish you all the luck in the world in building a new life for you and your sons. 💐

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so similar to my situation. "D"H had been cheating for years with dozens of different women and I found out when he got one pregnant and she turned up on the doorstep!! DC are a bit older, teens, and neither talk to their dad any more based on this, definitely best to break the news to them now in an age appropriate way which it sounds like you're going to do.

He did have a go off it with OH after this, until she dumped him and he unbelievably tried to come back to me! Whatever you do don't ever take him back, there's a good chance once he's out he'll realise what he had and will try to come crawling back. I'm much happier with him now out of my life.

I am pleased that you are going to be honest with your children. It is the very least they deserve as they approach their teenage years.

What I don't understand is all the effort into trying to protect your husband from the consequences of his behaviour? He has been lying to you all , cheating, abusing and putting you all at risk for years. You shouldn't have to coach him although I understand why you might want to, to protect your children. He will never understand the hurt he has caused if he is being guided through the process of admitting his outrageous and unforgivable behaviour.

You are a strong woman which comes across in your posts. I wish you lots of luck as you navigate through this horrendous mess. Take cars of yourself and your boys. They are so lucky to have you rooting for and protecting them 💕

Believe me, none of this is to protect STBXH. I am just trying to work out the best way not to fuck up my children. I still want them to have a good relationship with their dad moving forward, even if he is a completely awful husband.

I don't think there's any way to avoid blame or fault when your H has behaved the way he has.

What an utterly disgusting man.

I would want nothing to do with him going forward, and I'm not sure I'd want him around my sons either. What kind of role model is he going to be for them?!

He's lied, for YEARS, cheated with HUNDREDS of women, betrayed your trust, put your health at risk for YEARS, put his desires above what's best for his sons, and broken up your family.

He is truly despicable.

I hope you find a great lawyer who gets you a great settlement. If your H has any shred of decency he won't argue, and it can all happen as quickly as possible.

Re the wording of how you tell your sons: 'Being married means just being with that one special person. But Daddy has other girlfriends, which makes me sad, so that means we can't stay together.'

Good luck OP 💐💐💐

Id tell your husband to speak up and admit he has made mistakes that cant be fixed if elder son blurts anything out and gets angry upset which he is allowed too.. its up to ex to sort this to be the one who says you're separating why should you be put through all the worrying of your kids because of his selfish acts.

He is to blame though he cheated .. he was weak.
I dont think she needs to hear crap advice like yours.

When my Exh cheated and left I was unaware that we ‘weren’t getting along’ and completely blindsided. I would NOT have wanted to let him off that easily.
He cheated and left for money whilst out youngest (4) was desperately ill. Why should I shield him?
I shielded the children from any fall out. But they were told exactly what happened. Eldest is now 40 and they all agree o handled it 100% correctly.

from what I've gleaned, it's not "an affair", it's multiple hook-ups over a substantial period of time. Very different.

either way it's not her fault

This IS on him, and your DS’s need to know that (in an age appropriate way) otherwise in time they will blame you and that’s without him putting a spin on it, which he will in time. The man is already a cheater and a liar.

No mixed messages will serve them well.

It’s a headfuck for them without any smoke and mirrors to make him look good.

Good luck 💐💐

I can understand you don't want children being exposed to toxic relationship information but you should in no way shoulder any blame in this. Your sons need to know why their family is breaking up and leave it to your stbex to explain it, truthfully. I personally think you need to be honest with your boys and explain why you can't live with their father, as this is not something you are doing lightly.

I think the blame angle is an interesting one I think it's very nuanced. I think it is ok to place some blame at one party when it's absolutely the catalyst but also considerate that the children will be continuing some form of relationship and it has to be proportional.

There are many ways to tell the same story with varying degrees of "blame"

Your dad is a sex-crazed pervert who has been screwing around behind my backs for years and years. I don't want him and his venereal diseases near me any more.

Your mum is old fashioned and doesn't think it's acceptable for me to getting my needs met outside of the marriage. How did she expect me to stay faithful to one woman for the rest of time?

Or, your dad has broken our wedding vows and my trust in him by seeing other people. I was committed to the marriage in a way that he wasn't. We are both fully committed to you.

Three different ways of phrasing the same reason for divorce - the first whilst tempting isn't fair on the children, the second is wildly unreasonable to the mother. It's about finding a phrasing that separates the relationship within a marriage to a parent child relationship. Also, it's important with children to set out what is and isn't acceptable. My sister divorced due to domestic abuse, I don't know the ins and outs of what my niece knows but the broad strokes are that he was angry and controlling. She's 16 now and starting relationships and viewing them through the lens of what counts as controlling behaviour

My younger brother and I are only 4 years apart.

And I can guarantee that if my Dad had been unfaithful, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’d have told my brother as soon as I found out! And vice versa!

Your husband caused this. He should really be the one taking accountability and being honest with his children.

🤢🤢🤢
he cheated. I’m fairly sure this is all his fucking fault.

What's DTF?

Mine were much younger but I just said, “daddy decided he wants to live somewhere else and that’s ok because sometimes mummies and daddies don’t live together but we still both love you very very much and that won’t change and you’ll still see both of us very much!”

I wanted the kids to know it was dad’s decision/behaviour but in a reassuring way so I didn’t get backlash or blame when I was an innocent victim but I also didn’t traumatise them with TMI and reassured them of the important facts

I would say that mummy and daddy want different things and so feel it’s best to seperate.

But you have no way of ensuring they have a good relationship with their Dad going forward. Even if you never bad mouth him it's still up to him to step up. And sadly they don't always - irrespective of how they parented before or what they promise in the early days.

DS was determined to be neutral, 12 months on of watching his life be turned upside down and a father who has selfishly followed his own "happiness" has put paid to that. Frankly it was the aftermath of the separation that broke his heart.

You help best by being the safe place, non judgemental, always there to listen, and above all honest. As so many have said this is only the first conversation of many so think of it as setting the foundation of who you will be going forward. What DH does - well that's not your circus anymore.