DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

Unless you keep DS1 and DS2 locked in separate soundproof booths 24/7, I'd think it unlikely that DS2 is entirely unaware of your situation OP.

Good luck

i wouldn’t be surprised if ds2 already knows
I knew a lot more about what was happening in my mother’s life ( she was a single parent ) than she ever imagined

It’s so hard to navigate isn’t it

hi Op - my parents broke up because of my dads cheating.

do NOT under any circumstances ask your older child to keep a secret - I hope you were not considering this. That would be absolutely appalling behaviour from the adults involved.

Tell them the truth - simply and clearly - also, don't be reductive - the relationship has ended more widely because your marriage broke down - you can say not all marriages last, it's sad - you tried hard but don't have the right sort of feelings for each other anymore. Say - yes, dad has been seeing someone else etc.

One thing I would really advise - avoid perfection. Children are very very wise to human frailty - I remember so well how much I saw of my parents behaviour that I presume they thought they were hiding.

the lies and lack of dignity - and expecting us not to repeat what we saw - were the absolute worst part of the whole thing.

I agree with @Lampzade btw. Both children probably share much more than you know and know more than you realise.

Honesty is the best policy! Tell them the truth in as much as STBXH is responsible as he wasn’t a loyal husband and it’s nobody’s fault but his. You both love them. They need good role models - for you to accept half of the blame is unfair and untrue, and shouldn’t be expected of women in this sorry situation.

PPs saying that it couldn’t have been only his fault are talking nonsense. Nobody can take the blame for someone else’s actions.

I’m sorry that your Ex is so awful, OP, and wish you all the very best as you navigate this.

I can't imagine for a minute these manipulative, cheating, shit head men sit around agonising over how to not hurt their wives and children any further in a divorce, and how to avoid laying blame.

OP - I've been in a similar situation although the DC were younger and XP tended to pay women and relentlessly watch porn to satisfy his sex addiction. I went for honesty, in an age appropriate way. I think that you should too, especially because one DS knows.

If I hadn't, the DC would have thought that the split was because of me and not XP. You can say 'STXH loves you but <insert reason> so we can't stay married because that's not what marriage is about.' I still had to emphasize to the youngest later on that I hadn't wanted to split but that I couldn't accept what XP was doing. I'm still not sure how much DC2 knows.

It's not blaming. its his fault. The truth is that you are getting divorced because of him. And they will learn from it. My brother's grew up seeing my dad because a disgusting chest and how that affected their and his lives. They're far better men than he, because they learned what not to do from him.

Lying to them to protect him will not benefit them. You tell them the truth. Reassure them it doesn't affect their relationship with either of you.

What you dont do is go on and on about it, resent them loving him, blaming him everytime they complain that you can't afford something. Villainise him constantly etc.

I don’t understand this “no blame” game rubbish. Your children aren’t toddlers, they are old enough to understand the marriage has broken down because your ex cheated. Any damage to his relationship with them is on him to repair. I hate it when parents lie to children about big things like this. I also see you coming back in years to come complaining that the kids think he’s wonderful when your the one that been protecting him and holding his relationship together with your children all these years because you’ve covered for him.

You don’t have to make it hostile, just be factual, your not hating him but the trust is gone and you think it’s better to separate so you can both parent your children still.

I also agree with others, it’s not fair for one child to hold this burden and the other to be kept in the dark.

I should add that telling the DC the truth about where the blame lies has not harmed their relationship with their dad. I also get on fine with him in a co-parenting type of way.

I totally agree but that’s why I said he’d have to run it by the OP first so that she knows what he’s going to say. It’s really difficult isn’t it?

This. My mum cheated on my dad. He took her back once, but wouldn’t take her back the second time. He ended up filing the divorce papers and that’s the narrative that my mum spun to us kids—only when I was a young adult, did I find out that she had multiple affairs. Throughout my whole youth I thought it was my dad’s fault and resented him for it.

He will tell them what he needs to tell them to save face. “Daddy has another girlfriend, therefore we’ve both decided not to be married to each other any longer.”

There is a difference between assigning blame and being honest in an age appropriate way.

I don’t think you should lie if they ask questions, but it’s information that should be shared at the appropriate time in a gentle and age appropriate way.

My friend is going through a divorce now due to her husband’s infidelity. The children are 13, 17 and 20. One of the younger two overheard their conversation about the affair and knew from very early on. Then obviously they all asked and talked amongst each other.

They are very angry at their dad. Honestly, it’s been a very healthy anger. Friend does not talk badly about him and is moving forward, keeping it as neutral as possible. I think it’s helped the kids to feel like they have a safe space with their mum. They aren’t angry at their parents. They’re angry at their dad. It means they still have one safe dependable honest relationship they know they can count on.

My parents split when I was 10. It wasn’t because my dad cheated, but it was his fault. I found it very helpful knowing and it made me feel like my mum was looking out for me. She never said a bad thing about him. In fact, she worked very hard to maintain a relationship for us when he didn’t give a toss. But she was honest and I was grateful for that.

100% this. You are taking time to process it and prepare for this conversation but they don't have that privilege so don't overengineer that first conversation. It's a natural tendency to try to "package" the message to get across everything that feels most important to you, but that can easily get overwhelming.

"because despite loving your Dad very much, some things had gone on that I was not willing to accept within our marriage"

This.
saying daddy broke some promises is 100% apportioning blame.

Well done for being such a considerate Mum, so sorry this is happening.
Reading the replies a few things I absolutely agree with:
DC2 needs to be in the loop; it could be damaging to both of them if they know different information and is unfair
Keep it balanced, honest and non-toxic BUT I do think your DH needs to show accountability for bad behaviour. This is an important learning opportunity for your boys - they shouldn't see that infidelity (which they now know is the case) is a shared responsibility, DH needs to demonstrate true remorse and consequence.

However, there's a difference between cheating on you as the spouse and cheating on the family and maybe that's the distinction. He has done wrong which is why the marriage is ending, but the family is not and that's where you all pull together to show how the family relationship remains intact even if the end of the marriage changes what that looks like. They still have two loving parents and that love is unconditional, they need to understand that.

Id be honest. Id tell them that when mummy and daddy got married they made promises to each other. Daddy broke those promises and and told lots of lies. Adults can do the wrong thing and make mistakes sometimes. But, when you can't trust your partner, you can't continue the relationship.

I would answer the why questions with a list, mostly neutral about how you both have been growing apart and feeling more like friends than partners etc. and then add the cheating in towards the end of it as an as well. I agree its better for it all to be out in the open in this case. But there are ways to do that which isn't putting cheating as the sole reason.

No - tmi and too emotional for such young kids. Think what a head fuck it would be hearing that about your dad at 10.

Ds2 needs to know- especially if dad is likely to move into OW’s house. IME teenagers and adults don’t take this kind of news well and if you keep it secret then it’s likely to be turned on you because you kept the secret.

My kids knew their dad had an affair and was leaving to be with her. They don’t know any more than that and was familiar with the concept of adults cheating from films etc They were satisfied with that explanation and didn’t ask for more details.

My oldest was a similar age to yours and his biggest questions was about how his life was going to change. Luckily, I was able to keep him at current school and house. He was much more aware about his dad being shady compared to his sister who was 10 but she understood that cheating was a serious reason to breakup.

Also, remember what you do now might determine the future. If the split turns messy, DH could turn on you and DC could blame you for the split if you say anything like "I wouldn't accept this" or "Daddy did this so I told him to go etc"

You don't want to end up like this OP: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5442575-dcs-resenting-and-blaming-me-for-divorce

Just a word of caution. A family member caught his wife in bed with another woman. His small children were downstairs while she was shagging someone else in the house. Anyway, they split up and he left the family home. His kids resented him leaving. They blammed him because he left. He's never told them what really happened. He saw them every weekend and paid maintenance until the youngest finished uni. Even then they say he abandoned them. You dont need to go into the details but wouldnt protect him either.

I think you should tell the truth - ‘Daddy wants to be with other people’. It’s not apportioning blame, it’s stating facts. The kids might be mad at him at first, but sometimes anger is healthy. Chances are the kids will get over it anyway, but it would be harder for them to forgive you if you lie as well. STBXH needs to deal with the consequences of his actions and you don’t owe him your protection. I think the advice not to apportion blame only really comes into play if both parties behaviour contributed to the split and/ or you try to use this as ammunition to turn the kids against him in future, not when it’s so one sided like here.