DH cheated, DS1 knows, DS2 doesn’t, how to we deal with this?

[SouthernHemi]

I need to sit down and tell the children that their father and I are getting divorced. I’ve been looking online for advice on the best way to do this. One of the main points is not to assign blame anywhere. I’m ok with this, I want to do what’s best for my children. Here is the problem, we’re divorcing due to my STBXH’s infidelity and DS1 (12yo) unfortunately knows about this infidelity (due to STBXH being indiscreet). DS2 (10yo) does not know. When sitting us all down to tell them about the divorce, I’m envisioning lots of “but why?” questions in the moment and due to DS1 knowing I feel like we’ll be gas lighting him here if the real reason isn’t alluded to, even if it’s just “daddy broke some promises” kind of line. I’m also concerned about DS1, having to hold this back from DS2. It feels like more lies are being created within the family and we’re pulling DS1 into it all. But all the advice says don’t lay the blame on anyone when telling the children, but what happens when one of them already knows why the divorce is happening? As I said, I really don’t want to drag them both through it, I just don’t want DS1 to feel like he’s holding a big secret because that’s hugely damaging in itself. I will be getting counselling for him whatever happens. For the children’s future happiness, what’s the best thing to do here?

Just be honest. Their dad is a dirty shag about and he’s broken the family. The DC will know there’s something wrong already. This is not your shame, it’s his. He can tell them and face the consequences of his actions. Good luck to you - live a long and happy life without him.

I was wondering where your husband fits into the explanation process? It should not all be down to u

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Realistically, the 10 year old is going to find out anyway. After you have had the conversation, the two of them will talk and the 12 year old will tell him. 99% certainty.

You need to remember that honesty and blame are different things.

You can tell them the truth without using it as an opportunity to vent about how awful their dad is/ turn them against him - that is the part which is really damaging.

The main thing is that you aren't constantly badmouthing one another to the children.

You can say that their dad kept a secret from you, fell in love with someone else etc., without saying that he is the worst person alive.

You can tell them that relationships are complicated, sometimes they don't work out, etc etc. Tell them the truth in a matter of fact way - they can work out for themselves how they feel about what he did.

If you try to explain, but be clear there is no coming back from what he's done - that is all that's really needed (hard as it will be for you I'm sure) xx

You're doing a lot of reaching to downplay this mans infidelity. Why is that?

We’ve come to realise that we have very different needs and expectations in life. We aren’t compatible moving forward

I would be surprised if your eldest son hasn’t told your youngest. Me and my brother had the same age gap and he would tell me everything he knew about my parents, he wouldn’t have been able to keep it to himself.

Oh rubbish. OP apparently wanted to protect her DC. Making her DH the absolute and only cause of the separation is not the way to do that.

The honest truth is always better (but yes, without all the detail)

Sounds like it's going to all be on you to come up with the explanation, he's going to be a coward about it.

My kids know the basics. I've always said that when they are older, we can talk more about it if they want to. I don't really speak about, or to their dad anymore, but I also won't lie about that. If they ask something, I will be honest - they know their dad. If he doesn't book in a visit with them for weeks I'm not going to make up an excuse, I'm just going to say that he hasn't done it. If they push for a reason, I might say 'you know your dad, he can be a bit lazy sometimes' and he's complained to them about something he feels I should have done for him (eg. me not telling him there was a school event on when he booked a visit - he gets all the emails the same as me) then I will tell them exactly that. And if he's overstepped the line, I'll point out that I do 99% of everything, so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to do this one thing.

I don't think normalising awful behaviour is the way to go with children. A little more thought needs to go into it. We do not need more young adults going into the world thinking treating people you love like this is ok.

I think Dad needs to take the lead @SouthernHemi and he needs to apologise to you all when he does. They need to see him take accountability for it.

Yep, this. Won't happen though!

I was pretty much in this position OP. You can't win. I think some kids accept and don't want all the whys. My youngest wanted to know everything however. It was very difficult.

I hope it all goes ok for you and your children.

Sorry i was also wondering this. Why is he not offering an explanation for his behaviour?

Absolutely tell him in age appropriate way.
There is no other way in the circumstances.

You aren't the keeper of his dirty little secret.

I thought the same thing! There are plenty of cheating gits for whom the only marital “problem” is that they want to shag around.

Oh ok. Marriage has alot of rules that you have to follow to stay married. One of them is that you can't have any other girlfriends but daddy broke that rule so we can't stay married anymore. Same as if you had a girlfriend really but like a really really big promise. But that doesn't mean we're not still your mummy and daddy and love you the same.

They're old enough to understand, actions have consequences, treating your girlfriend or wife badly means you lose them.

You are trying to protect a man from experiencing the consequences of his actions that hurt you. And you could prevent your kids learning a valuable lesson that prevents them making the same mistake when they're older.

They're young, he's their dad, they're not going to never see him again because he cheated on you. They might be angry at him for a while, they might ask uncomfortable questions, but that's not a bad thing.

Ds1 may have already told Ds2

To me it feels like the truth of us telling them the true facts (in child friendly way), still feels like blaming STBXH. But seeing as DS1 knows and I can’t keep this secret from DS2, we will have to divulge a bit more than I’d like. If DS1 didn’t know, I would be so much easier, we could keep the explanation so simple.

Best to be honest, I think. Kids may already know more than you think. Both of them.

Can you share exactly what it is that your son knows because it's hard to comment when the facts keep changing. Your OP made it sound like he had an affair.

I think it's a good idea to tell children as much as the truth as it's appropriate for them to know.

In this instance that is affected by what one child knows.

You can't have one child knowing more than the other as that could come between them down the line. You will have to give this information. It's a question of framing and what you're both prepared to say.

If it was me, I would say that in our culture, when we get married, we commit to having that kind of relationship only with the person we're married to for the rest of our lives and no one else. At some point Dad decided he wanted something different and that means your family has to make some changes to make sure everyone is relaxed and happy going forward. Not all marriages are meant to last forever. But you are both very glad they have a good relationship with both of you and they will always be the most important people in the world to them.

If your children have views about their dad after hearing this, it's up to them. If there are difficult questions to answer, they're for him to deal with. You cannot say anything negative about their dad making this choice because he is likely to have a narrative about why he did it and the children may well buy it. And in the process of all that you will have lost the most important thing you can give them - the idea that they're parents are dealing with this together and are on the same page.

As time goes on they'll draw their own conclusions about who should have done what. But hopefully you'll have protected your relationship with them and given them that sense of stability.

It's really hard not to lay the blame on anyone when one person is obviously more to blame. You are right to want to avoid drawing your eldest son in a web flies and collusion. Don't force him to deny what he knows is the truth. Your STBXH will have to be honest. He doesn't have to say, "I cheated on Mum and I'm a bad person", but he can say, "I don't want to be married to Mum any more; I have found other people I prefer. And Mum doesn't want to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with her." That's the truth, isn't it?

Agree. If you go with the "both of us are at fault" line that some posters are (weirdly) trying to convince you of, then you're also giving the message that infidelity is a normal response to relationship problems.

And you definitely need to tell your younger child too.

Normalising marital breakdown isn’t such a great long term plan for them either. Protecting “Daddy” by fudging the truth will come out eventually (especially given it seems to be a personality flaw on his part, not tensions in the relationship), and then OP will have created a reason for both children to distrust her for no benefit at all.

My teanage daughter found out my wife had cheated.
For clarity we did end up reconciling but at the time our daughter found out it looked like divorce was where we were going.
She figured out someone had and sat me down to talk about it. She figured it wasnt me but wanted the truth. We talked it through and then she talked with my wife about what happened.
We also have a younger son who does not know what happened and we agreed he is too young to understand at the moment. We decided that if he asks we would tell him but had the divorce gone through to keep blame out of it for him.
Tough decision for all the reasons listed and many more.
Fast forward to now and he still doesnt know. All he knows and has said a few times is the house felt unhappy and not good but now its happy and he is happier.
Our daughter feels the same. It did take her some time to build back the relationship with her mum and she is super protective of me. But she is happy with us staying together.
I dont know if our son will ever know what happened but if he ever asks there will be no secrets.

It sounds as though your soon-to-be ex husband has been using apps to shag around and that is much harder to explain than him simply having an affair and leaving you for the other woman.

You understandably want to protect your children's relationship with their dad but it does seem really unfair that you are racking your brains to find a way to explain what is happening without assigning any blame to him at all.

Honestly this is exactly right and I think with boys at this age it's important to start to embed the message that fidelity is something to value and cheating has consequences. You don't have to dress it up as "daddy was bad and destroyed our marriage" but it's totally fair - and truthful - to say that daddy has had other girlfriends and that's not something you are ok with so you've decided to split up.

That truthfulness will be important to maintaining trust with your older child.