Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

Why would you put up with this not once but twice. There is flogging a dead horse when it comes to marriage and then there is this…. Your “husband” clearly thinks you have doormat tattooed on your forehead to be able to get away with this twice and is revelling in having his cake and eat it. Why would you even want to attempt to save your marriage to this man?

Omg, I would bin him straight away. The cheek of him, says he loves her yet still wants to be married. What is that all about. This would not work for me.

What do you mean you are willing to stay and work?

In the kindest possible way op, there is nothing to work at. You can’t work at a marriage if the other person has checked out. He’s only staying because he hasn’t conned some other poor cow into taking him in yet or he doesn’t want people to know what a scumball he is.

You KNOW he’s a scumball now. Why would you want to work at keeping literal trash in your life?

For the kids? Hell no. Kids deserve to see healthy relationships. Do you know how much it fucks children up to know that their mum is a doormat to an abusive (and this is abuse at this point btw) cheat? They grow up thinking that’s what relationships should be.

And even if they by magic, don’t find out the full extent of things until they are adults, it’s horrible to grow up and realise your poor mum was subjected to this bullshit. If my dad hurt my mum like that, he’d be buried under the patio!

Please get yourself away from this utter loser and choose yourself.

Life will keep giving you the same lesson until you learn it. You matter!

You cannot fix a marriage with someone who is utterly devoid of love for you. And he has contempt for you. Make no mistake. To tell you he loves someone else and still expect you to stay. Find your anger! Get away from this soul sucking fucker.

Honestly op, time to give your head a wobble.

There is nothing to work at. You don’t work at keeping dogshit on your doorstep. You scrape it off and move on with your life. The sooner the better too, else your kids will stand on it too.

I’m sorry OP but I think there is no hope. I went through similar. He got caught out, apologised, but “couldn’t” leave his job. They carried on in secret for 2 years afterwards and he eventually left me for her.

As you have pointed out, the only reason it is ended is because his work found out. Otherwise they will be still be continuing the affair. And “I tried to end it but she wouldn’t let me is SUCH a pathetic sentence. He clearly is not going to take any accountability for his actions which is essential for repair

I know how heartbreaking it is to accept, but there are zero signs here that this could be fixed

But he has told me he still loves me too and is afraid of losing everyone. His mental health is not in a good place. And I do still love him and want to believe he can change and become a better person.

But I also know how he has treated me is awful.

Honestly op I’m raging on your behalf that this waste of air had the cheek to continue the affair, tell you he loves her and still expect you to keep him.

What else have you put up with after all these years?

Please stop sweeping evil under the rug. It never stays there.

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

All exact words that my XH said to me too. It’s just because he can’t face up to his own actions and how selfish he is.

Honestly, I know everything in you wants to believe he is a good person, but he has shown you he isn’t. It’s just words. No actions.

He cant and wont change in a large part because he doesn't want to.
If he'd really wanted to dump her he would have when you 1st found out.
If he really has ended it this time its only a matter of time until he finds his next mistress.
Leave the lieing pos and find someone who respects and loves you

Don’t YOU love you?

Oh of course, his mental health. Boohoo wah wah it’s all about him again.

His mental health was fine when he was balls deep in some other woman.

What about your mental health? He’s the one who has betrayed and lied to you for years and yet somehow you are still pandering to him and worried about his feelings.

He has never cared a jot about yours. Certainly not this past year that’s for sure.

Wake up and smell the coffee. It’s been eighteen years and he hasn’t become a better person. He’s become a worse one.

He didn’t even change jobs after the affair, that’s how little he cares about what you need or being a decent human being,

When people show you who they are, believe them. Run!

And the way he treats you isn’t love. He can say whatever he likes, you know it’s not actually true right?

We don’t consistently betray people we love and then, make it all about us when they find out so that they feel guilted into forgiving us. That’s some fucked up shit.

He’s a bad person. A bad husband. A bad man.

YOU can’t fix that,

Start telling people your marriage is over because he’s had a further affair. Such thrives on secrecy. Why you kept it quiet the first time is a decision you have likely come to rue ever making. You did not protect yourself and made yourself look like a right mug.

You are stuck on the sunk costs fallacy and it’s a state that does you no favours either. There is nothing to rescue and or save here. He’s long since checked out of this marriage. He’s caused your marriage to implode by choices he made of his own free will.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You surely would not want them to have such a marriage so stop teaching them this sham of a marriage is still acceptable to you on some level. They know something is badly amiss here because they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken.

He’s ruined everything, not you.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?.

Thanks for all of the replies. I always try to see the best in people so I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here. He has told me he will change and wants our marriage and our family. He has started counselling.

He had the opportunity to leave to be with her (she would’ve welcomed him with open arms) but he wanted to remain in our marriage. I want to believe that’s because he wants me and not just because he’s a coward who has chosen the easy option.

Am I being a fool? Is there any hope of this working out?

Please find your self respect OP
.
And open your eyes and see what a lying self centered excuse for a human being he is.

Of course he wants two women in his life. He wont want the financial hit of divorce and the inconvenience of losing his home comforts.

Absolute adding insult to injury for you to find out he could have got an internal transfer in the company when he was supposed to have ended the affair but he didn't because he obviously wanted to stay close to the woman he loves.

You cant believe a word he says. Amd it's very telling he thinks you will actually put up with this latest revelation that he wants to keep his mistress and his wife.

And do not fall for the “mental health not in a good place” bullshit either. It’s all part of the script.

Honestly.. yes you are being a fool. I stayed after affair one with all the promises. I wanted to put my kids to bed every night. By the time I got rid of him he had more than 50 affairs.

Its not just the affair its the lying. He told you all this last year about how it was you not her then carried on.

GET OUT. He will not change. He only told you because he was caught at work.

I have been you. Its shit. But it is a million percent better to be alone than lied to and cheated on day in day out.

He may believe his lies but you shouldn’t.

Problem is you won’t have a choice to stay in the long run .. he will leave you when he’s in a better position. Maybe for her . Maybe for someone else and it will feel a million times worse rhen when you have wasted years and are in a much worse position. Maybe he does love you but he’s not in love with you and he can’t possibly have any respect for you when you have none for yourself. I don’t mean this badly but anyone who puts up with this repeatedly.. he’s planning now .. biding his time. The fact he didn’t even bother to lie and say it was just sex shows you that he thinks you will literally put up with anything to stay with him. It’s incredibly difficult but tell people , gather every ounce of strength and support you can and dump his ass. Life cannot be any worse than living like this

He ‘says’ he loves you. They’re just words. Anyone can say those words.
If he loved you he wouldn’t be destroying you like this.

You need to work on yourself and understand why you are making poor decisions.

I get the feeling you would say you loved him whatever he did.

That is not a good place to be.

you are clearly not his number one and no one should settle for second best.

“she wouldn’t take no for an answer!”

What a load of bollocks that is.

Wow…yes, sorry OP, I’m not one to jump straight to LTB but he is having a laugh at your expense here. Of course he wants to stay with you in his comfortable life with his two-person salary home, while also shagging his mistress. Who wouldn’t?

Who Is telling you she would have welcomed him with open arms? Him?
Maybe he just wants you to think that. You presumably don’t have her side of the story. I wonder actually, what lies he told her.

I suspect now they are both in trouble at work, she might actually want to keep her job instead of him too, don’t you think?

But even if she would have chose him, that would have meant his kushty little life would have to be upended. Maybe he would prefer to just have affairs rather than jump ship.

Either way, he will cheat again. Obviously.

But the real issue is that he’s just a genuinely awful human being.

That’s how bad people ruin lives, they rely on you having a good heart and assuming good in everyone or, being desperate to prove your goodness to them. You don’t owe anyone that. And if you don’t get off that merry go round, it will ruin your life.

Oh OP, he’s pulled a real snow job on you here. The agreement to keep it secret is just a trap for you. It means that he doesn’t have to face his parents or any friends knowing what he did and keeping him accountable, but worst of all, you have no emotional support at all. I suspect you agreed to it because telling someone else will make it so horribly real, but you need support in real life. Tell you best friend, your siblings or parents or whoever you trust who will have your back and can support you.

Given he’s told you he loves her, do you really think he is going to g to stick around long term? How old are your DC? Even if you go along with this charade for now, at the latest he’ll be out the door the moment they leave home, and you’ll have wasted years with a man you can’t trust, torturing yourself every time he’s out of the house that he’s with her (or another women).